Recovery
by realmsoffreedom
Summary: Sequel to Broken. Depression doesn't go away overnight- Austin has learned that the hard way. He and his newfound siblings are drifting closer to the commonality of suicide- and only fate can save them. But fate refuses to play by anyone's rules- except its own. Is it the end for Austin and his siblings?
1. Prologue

**Alright, so I don't know how many of you know- but when I woke up yesterday morning, Recovery was gone. The story was deleted- and I got no explanation as to why. To be honest, I'm pissed. But I don't think there's anything I can do about it- except repost the entire thing. I'm going to start doing that right now- and I'd _love_ it if you guys could review just as much as you have been. Some of you have said you love the story so much, you reread chapters anyway...so...**

**I know this is a big inconvenience- trust me- it isn't the easiest thing for me either. I'm really sorry- in advance- and I hope I don't lose some of you loyal readers/reviewers because you guys truly are why this series has gotten so popular in the first place. But- for those of you who read chapter 24- think of it like this- the more you review, the faster you get chapters, and the quicker you find out what Austin's fate is. Incentive right there.**

**Anyway- I'm sorry again- and thank you guys for your patience.**

**-Neha**

* * *

Recovery.

A word that is defined as restoration to a former/better state or condition. Simple, isn't it? The only problem is that it _isn't_. Recovery- the big picture- seems easy- all it requires is hard work. However- this simple word holds _so_ much more truth. Underlying definitions of this word that I didn't even know existed- are all coming out, making themselves evident to me. Meanings, translations of this word are forming in my head, leaving me questioning the entire process. To recover is to return to a better state- but the question is how. How does one go about doing that?

It's hard- especially if one doesn't remember their former self. I don't remember how I used to act, how I used to think- what my former mindset was. Did I dream of unicorns and rainbows, or were my dreams dark, with jagged edges, and horrible endings? Did I bring light into lives, or was I just _there_- just a person that was often overlooked and deemed as purely unimportant. Did I enjoy life, or was it just a day-to-day process- boring and unchanging, painful and terrorizing? Who was I? What was my main purpose in life? I know that the immediate answer would be singing- but I don't even know if I want that to be what my life revolves around. I haven't done much of it recently.

Thoughts of suicide are quite dynamic- they have the power to completely erase any thoughts of serenity from one's mind. They are controlling- in the realm of being able to completely alter one's mindset. They forced me to think of swallowing pills, slicing my wrists, jumping off a cliff, getting hit by a car- and many more thoughts of the morbidity that is death. Irrational thoughts- some of them may be- but they are what keep me going. The indulging thought of sinking a blade into my flesh is the reason I wake up every morning.

But let's leave the death realm behind, shall we? I'd be lying if I said that my thoughts weren't scaring me- weren't making me wonder what kind of monster I've turned into. My demons have changed me into something I'm not sure I want to be. The kind of monster that haunts a child's dream- wanting to kill them.

Anyway- I guess you could say that I've fallen deeper into the depths of what is known to be depression. I have definitely surpassed where I was before- the only thing on my mind right now is death. Emotions scarce, blade glinting in my fingers, I slash at my arms relentlessly, until some kind of relief is felt. With the absence of emotion- it takes longer, and pain doesn't overwhelm me until I've cut deep enough to reach my veins. Dangerous- but necessary for my survival. I don't know how to do anything else- so this needs to suffice. My siblings cannot witness the depths my self-harm has gone to- if they did, they would blame themselves, when it simply is not their fault. It's no one's fault- but mine. I am the only one to blame for the pain I have caused to myself.

Speaking of my siblings- let's discuss them. It'll be nice to get the focus off me for a little bit. All of them are truly worrying me- some more than others. It's true that they are not mentally stable- I know that _all_ of them are clinically depressed- as I am, and they also rely on blades for relief. That's the commonality between us. That's also where it starts to branch off- where we all start to become different.

Let's start with Ratliff. To be quite honest- I don't know if he's on his meds or not. He's always locked in his room, and when I press my ear against the door, I can hear him screaming. Screaming at people that aren't there- at inanimate objects that can't hear him. I've seen him grab at his hair and pull on it, trying to hurt himself- to ward off his demons. He's falling apart- I know he's cutting. You can only try so hard to scrub bloodstains from a sink. He's trying to appear okay- when he simply isn't. I can tell- at school, especially. He gets out of every class early, so he can come and carry my books. When I meet him after each period, I can see the pain grow in his eyes. I can see the agony- the horrible agony and obvious torture reflected in his gaze- that is wreaking havoc on his body. He's scaring me- he's not himself in the slightest, and I don't know how to help him. I didn't experience his first breakdown- and I don't think any of us are prepared for the second.

Rydel…well, I think she's already relapsed. It's evident that she's not eating- or eating a significantly smaller amount than a girl her age is supposed to eat. I don't see her a lot- she's mostly at her piano, writing songs- songs that don't seem to be pleasant or happy. I hear the strikes of dark, deep chords that elicit the emotion of anger and rage. I don't know what is angering her- she refuses to tell anyone anything- even Riker, but I know that there is something definitely up with her. She's drifting away from us, and it's starting to scare me.

I want my sister back- the sister who would tell me things, the sister whose arms I would cry in. I remember the nights during which she and I would cuddle together, telling each other all of our problems, crying in each others arms, staying up with each other until both of us felt better…we've only done it once or twice, but those nights have made an unchanging difference on my life. I miss that- I miss Rydel. She's got great advice to give- and I don't want to watch her wither away in front of my eyes. She's too beautiful- too perfect for that. I love her so much- and watching her starve herself is killing me inside.

I think Riker is the worst out of all of us. He was getting bad a few days ago- and now it's gotten _so_ much worse. He's emotionless- doesn't talk to anyone unless talked to. The only sense of security I have- is cuddling with him. Riker and I are extremely close, and the nights we cuddle are the nights he doesn't cut himself. I'm glad that I can help him- but he's still withering away into nothing. He doesn't sleep much, doesn't eat, nothing, really. It's terrifying me, because I'd probably kill myself if I lost him. I love all my siblings, but I'm closest to Riker.

He's been arguing with Ratliff a lot more than normal. I hear them screaming at each other, and it breaks my heart. I love them both- and it hurts to see them yelling at each other, feeling anger toward each other…it just makes me wonder…when did everything fall apart? I don't know how it happened, but it's had the biggest impact on Riker, and I'm so fearful- I can tell that he's nearing his breaking point- and I don't want him to commit suicide. I don't think I can live with that. I need my brother.

Rocky is trying so hard to hold us together- trying so hard to make sure that we don't break or fall- but he's neglecting himself. I can see the signs of depression on his face. He's so stressed, so exhausted, and just about ready to throw in the towel and end his life. He's cutting again- I've seen his arms once or twice. I know the feeling- the one of needing to control at least one thing when everything else is spiraling out of control all around you, and you can't do anything except watch.

There will be a point where Rocky just won't be able to handle it anymore, and that's when he'll shatter. And I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't have a huge impact on our family. Right now- the only reason we haven't fallen apart- is because of Rocky. He's holding us together, while falling apart himself, and the prospect is scaring me. He can't break- we rely too much on him. If something happens to him, the rest of us are fucked. We need the comfort, the care, the love- everything that he brings to the family. We need him.

In reality- we're fucked either way. None of us are ready for life, and it's just going to keep getting worse while we keep falling apart. In my eyes, nothing's ever going to get better- all I'm waiting for is a sense of security in the house- so I can commit suicide and know that none of my siblings will follow. I don't can't do it otherwise- the thought of one of them doing it _because_ I did is guilting me out of it- which should be a good thing- but it isn't. I just want to fucking die. Not just me- I think all of us are thinking the same thing.

Morbid it may be- but death equates to pure serenity- and don't you think we all deserve it?

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**So- because this is extremely inconvenient- and it wouldn't be fair to leave you guys hanging for close to two weeks- those who review _will_ get the first scene of chapter 25- as a PM. Sadly- I can only do this for people that review without an account- so guest reviews, could you possibly make an account to review? I'd love to send you guys scenes- but I can only PM users that have accounts- sorry. **

**Anyway- I'm really sorry about this, again, and I hope you guys can understand and reread this without it being too much of an annoyance. **

**-Neha**


	2. Chapter 1

**12 reviews? Guys, that's seriously amazing- thank you all so fucking much. T****rigger warning- graphic self-harm, depression, anorexia, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and suicidal thoughts.**

* * *

"Ready, Aus?"

I nod, grabbing my crutches, as Ratliff hefts my bookbag onto his free shoulder. Lunch is over- we're heading to gym, where I obviously can't do anything but sit and watch. Can't say I'm upset about it- they're square dancing, and Ally was _not_ pleased to get Dez instead of Dallas- as her partner.

"Did you take your meds this morning?" Ratliff asks. Since I'm only a week post-op, I was given painkillers to manage the agony that accompanies knee surgery. Even with the drugs in my system, I can still feel the pain, so I'm glad I have them. I can't imagine functioning without pain management of some sort.

"Yeah," I reply, as he pulls open the gym doors.

"Go ahead in. I'll put your bag with mine in the locker room, then bring 'em both out when it's time to go."

"Thanks, Ratliff. For this," I say gratefully, leaning forward to place a hand on his shoulder. "Love you."

"You too, Aus," he replies, giving me a smile. "See ya after class, yeah?"

I hobble into the gym, and check in with my teacher, before crutching over to the bleachers and lowering myself down. Leaning the crutches next to my body, I glance at the gymnasium floor, holding back a laugh.

Ally is getting her ear talked off by Dez, and I watch her try to get rid of him, but he doesn't seem to get a single hint she drops. It's amusing to watch her get irritated- in a normal situation, I'd go rescue her from Dez, but considering the circumstances, that isn't happening.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her. She was my best friend, and no matter how much she's hurt me- no matter how many times she's broken me- I'll always feel the emptiness of her absence. I don't think I could ever love her in a romantic way again- but I wouldn't be opposed to a friendship.

* * *

"Love, be careful. Don't hurt yourself."

Austin sighs and nods, as I lift him- a hand behind his back, and the other under the crook his knees- being extra careful with the injured one. I place him into the backseat, next to Riker, and he immediately curls into the older blonde's body, leaning his head on Riker's shoulder.

"Thanks, Rocky," he mutters, as I slide his crutches under his feet. I nod in assent, closing the car door and walking around to the driver's seat. Sliding in, I glance at Ratliff in the seat next to me. His eyes are trained on the road, as he clenches and unclenches his fists. Something must have gone wrong- to make him this silent- not to mention how fucking _pissed _he looks.

Cautiously, I slip my right hand into his left, squeezing gently as a gesture of calmness- as I pull out of the school and onto the main road.

"Gotta talk to you at home," Ratliff mutters tightly.

"Of course, Ell." I pull out his old nickname, and he pulls his gaze away from the road to look over at me briefly. I don't know _what_ emotions are running through his system anymore. He's like an enigma- okay at one pint, angered at the next. I don't know how to handle this anymore- did it once, don't know if I can do it again.

I just wonder when everything started to fall apart. All of us are nearing relapse, and I don't know how this happened. I don't know what to fucking do anymore- I want to save my brothers and sister- but it isn't proving to be that easy. Stress is piling on to me like garbage in a landfill, and I'm not sure how much more I can take- before I explode.

* * *

The blade pressed to my wrist is keeping me from going full-rage mode on everyone. I don't know what's up with my emotions lately, but it feels like my bipolar disorder is kicking in, full-haul, and the meds are doing nothing to control it. I'm snapping at _everyone_, and my typical mood is pure anger- which is also confusing me. I don't know what's wrong with me…I'm scaring myself.

I sigh, dragging the razor across my wrist and just staring at my arm. The cut is pretty deep, and the blood is already beginning to well out, but I barely feel the pain. I don't think that's a good thing- it means my pain tolerance is getting much higher, and I have to cut deeper to feel something. I don't think I should be going that deep, but the thoughts running through my head are urging me to succumb to the blade.

Tears stream down my cheeks- and I don't even realize I'm crying. It just…I thought this was over six months ago, when I got the meds to control everything. I didn't know that these mental disorders would haunt me for the rest of my life- quite honestly, I don't want to live with this until I die. Or- I could always end my life, as the easy way out. I know it'll hurt my siblings, so I've been resisting the urge for so long, but it's so damn difficult.

"Ratliff? You in there?"

_Austin_.

My haste to put everything away and hide my blade is obvious. I wipe the blood from the tile floor quickly, glancing in the mirror to make sure I don't look like I've been cutting- there's something about a person's exterior that makes them look like they've been self-harming, and Austin definitely knows what it is.

I open the door, and step out of the small room, glancing at my younger brother. "Yeah?"

"What were you doing?" He asks, looking at me suspiciously.

I sigh. "Nothing, Aus. I'm fine."

"I didn't ask if you were okay," Austin replies, shifting himself a bit on his crutches. "And I don't believe you when you say you are. There's something wrong- there's obviously something wrong with all of us. I'm not okay- I'll admit it straight out. I'm a mess- and I don't know how to fix myself- but at least I'm accepting it."

"I'm _fine_," I reiterate, trying to move past him. It doesn't end well- with my shoving, and Austin's evident instability, he loses his balance and hits the floor with a loud thud.

"Austin, oh my god…I'm so sorry…" I whisper, dropping to my knees, as a cold sweat washes over me. _I just hurt my little brother. He's injured, and I pushed him down. I'm a monster._

"What the hell was that?!"

Rocky rushes into the room, his eyes widening as he sees Austin crumpled to the ground- and the obvious guilt that's taking over my facial expression.

"I'm fine, Ratliff. It's okay- you didn't mean it," Austin croaks, his face paling- growing whiter by the second.

"Here, come on. Off the floor, love." Rocky pays no attention to me, as he helps Austin up, scrutinizing his knee to make sure it isn't further injured.

"No, Rocky- I have to talk to Rat-"

"You're gonna lie down and rest. You just had _surgery_- you shouldn't be up and about." Rocky steamrolls right over Austin's protest, herding him away- into the living room, without a second glance at me.

_No one cares about you._

_All you do is fuck up your family._

_Go die, Ratliff._

_Go fucking die. _

I'm on my meds…I shouldn't be hearing any voices…right?

* * *

"Rydel?"

I look up from my piano, catching sight of my twin brother. "Yeah, Rik?"

"It's time for dinner. Rocky made chicken. Coming?"

I shake my head. "I had something an hour ago- I'm not particularly hungry. But you go ahead- enjoy the chicken, I'm sure it'll taste amazing."

He sighs, walking further into the room- until he's standing right behind me- his hands on my shoulders. There's a mirror above the piano, so I can clearly see his facial expression- seriousness and worry. Sometimes I think he worries about me too much- we're really close, and if there's the slightest thing wrong with me- he goes into immediate overprotective brother mode. Of course- it doesn't help that he's five minutes older than I am, and he uses that against me every chance he gets.

"No, you didn't," Riker says suspiciously. "I watched you- and I haven't seen you go into the kitchen since lunchtime. Don't lie to me, Ry- you know that you'll get nothing past me. I wasn't born yesterday."

Annoyance flares in me. I don't know _why_ he's stalking me all of a sudden, but it's creepy- not to mention irritating. I love him- he's my brother- but there are certain times where I just wanna punch him in the face, and this is definitely one of those times.

"Why does it matter to you?" I shoot back. "When did you become the food police?"

"You had an _eating disorder_ in the past, Rydel," Riker says coldly. "Excuse me for trying to make sure you don't fucking _relapse_."

"That was two goddamn years ago," I mutter. "Don't you think- if I was going to relapse- I would've _done it_ already?!"

"I can never be sure with you. One minute- you're making meals for us and acting like it's nothing- the next, you're starving yourself and pretending that you fucking ate. What the hell is it gonna take for you to be honest with me?!"

"Maybe," I hiss. "If you were a better brother, you would've been able to figure it out the _first_ time- without watching me almost fucking kill myself."

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**Reviews would be lovely- and they'd make me very happy. Thank you all so much- again.**

**-Neha**


	3. Chapter 2

_**Heavy **_**trigger warning for this chapter- graphic description of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, and attempted suicide. And guys, please make sure you read the important author's note at the end of this chapter.**

* * *

"How's your knee, Aus?"

Austin sighs. "Okay. Sore, but I'll live."

"Ratliff didn't make it worse, did he?" I ask, pulling Austin onto my lap. I press a kiss to the side of his head, and he nods against me, slumping back against my chest. I can sense his exhaustion- most of his body weight is on me, and his heavy breathing conveys his obvious tiredness.

Personally- I don't think Austin _or_ Ratliff should go to school- all that place does is stress them out, make them hate themselves, and teach them crap they probably won't care about anytime in the near future.

"I was going to talk to him, I'm worried about him…" Austin mutters. "He looks horrible…"

I sigh. It's so damn _difficult_- trying to keep up with all four of my siblings and make sure that all of them are okay. I promised Ratliff I'd talk to him today, but I haven't had the chance, and it's already nearing eight. I don't know whether I'll have time today- maybe he can just ditch tomorrow, and I can spend the day trying to figure out what's wrong with him. Something tells me he needs that.

Riker walks into the room, and the first thing I see is his wobbling lip- he's blinking heavily, trying to hold back tears. I know that his head is down because if he looks at us, he'll start crying. Austin's never seen him break down…I'm not sure what to do, at this point. I don't want Austin to see this- it'll scar him, because Riker is an absolute _mess_.

"Aus, I'm gonna go talk to Riker for a second. I'll be right back," I mutter, placing Austin against one of the armrests, and rising to my feet. I intercept my brother before he can walk much further- shushing him and pulling him into the kitchen.

"What happened, bro?" I ask gently, pulling out a chair, and lowering him down. He bites his lip, swallowing hard, and looks at me.

"Rydel," he says, after a moment's consideration. "Called me a horrid brother- said m'a fucking idiot for not noticing her eating disorder sooner. She's right…m'awful…why didn't you guys tell me how atrocious of a person I am…?"

"Riker," I say sternly, lifting his chin and forcing him to look at me. "She's wrong- you are _not_ atrocious. You're trying your best- and even twin telepathy couldn't get the message to you sooner- you did what you could, when you found out. You're the reason she's _alive_, Rik. She said those things out of anger- she didn't mean them. You're so amazing- I don't know what we'd do without you. I love you- you're the reason I haven't had a stress breakdown."

"It just…I can't keep doing this, Rocky…I'm about to fall apart, and she just made it worse. You don't know- she's my _twin sister_. I'm closer to her than I am to anyone, and hearing her call me a horrid brother- hearing her say that I found out too late- it hurts more than anything. She has the power to break me."

* * *

"Rydel, I gotta talk to you."

I stand in the doorway of the bedroom that Riker and Rydel share, glancing at my sister. She doesn't look like herself- but I am still pissed at her for making Riker cry. Lately, no one has the power to do that- and she managed to elicit tears, make him feel worthless, and convince him that he's a horrid role model- all in one conversation.

It may seem like nothing- but Riker is teetering on the edge of suicide. One comment just might be enough to make him end it- and I _can't_ let that happen. He values Rydel's opinion more than anything else- as he said- she does have the power over him that none of us possess.

"What is it?" Rydel asks.

I sigh, walking further into the room, until I'm sitting on the edge of her bed, looking up at her in concern. "Why did you purposefully make your brother cry?"

"I haven't spoken to Ratliff _or_ Austin in the last few hours."

I roll my eyes, inwardly wanting to scream at her. Why is she acting like such a bitch? Riker is just as much her brother as Austin, Ratliff, and I are. "You know who I'm talking about. He _never_ cries, Rydel. You single-handedly broke him. It's bullshit- saying he doesn't care. He cares so much, and you've just convinced him that he's a shit older brother- congratulations."

"He was being nosy. And I don't need to be grilled about my damn eating disorder."

"It's calling being an _older brother_, Rydel. He cares about you- he loves you so much. Imagine if anything happened to you- it'd _destroy _him. He's heavily considering _killing_ himself, and I think you just pushed the scales."

Rydel sighs. "I guess…I was pretty harsh on him, wasn't I?"

"You made him cry," I deadpan. "I think that's saying something."

* * *

"Rik?"

I look up, my tearstained, puffy face bringing tears to Rydel's eyes. "What do you want?" My voice comes out hoarse- probably from all the crying that I've done.

"I'm sorry, Riker. I shouldn't have said that- it was uncalled for and rude- I made you cry, love…"

"Come here," I whisper, opening my arms. Rydel nods, crossing the room in two strides, and scooting into my embrace. I rest my head on her shoulder, leaning some of my weight on her. I'm just so…exhausted. Life is tiring- especially living with depression.

"Rik," she says gently. "Talk to me. Rocky said you were thinking of killing yourself…baby, don't hide this from us…"

"It hurts…it hurts so bad, and I'm just done…" I sigh against her shoulder, closing my eyes. I can't tell her everything- but I assume she was able to decode this much- this part's obvious. It's the other demons- that aren't.

"I know it hurts, love," Rydel murmurs. "But that's not the answer."

"Why did you hurt me just to feel better about yourself?" My question is blunt, and I can tell I've sparked something in her. Rydel's gaze drops to the floor, and there is a pregnant pause, before she even thinks about speaking.

"I don't know. Maybe I'm more of a monster than I thought."

* * *

I feel nothing.

Emptiness, loneliness, and hollowness cloud my emotions, pushing them away- making me completely indifferent to the world around me. It feels like I'm just _there_, like I have no sole purpose in the world- and that hurts more than any injury. I'd honestly prefer to be stabbed in the heart- maybe that would hurt less than not feeling anything. I don't even feel sadness anymore, and the prospect of losing every single emotion known to man is fucking _terrifying _me.

If I don't feel anything- there really isn't any purpose for me in the world- there really isn't any good reason why I should stay- after all, everyone would be so much better off without me, and I don't know why I stay- why I remain here to make their lives purely miserable. It's easy to make everything better- a slide of a blade, a fall off a roof, a swallow of a mere handful of pills. Committing suicide is not hard- and that's what makes it so scary. I very well could kill myself- cutting too deep, but not meaning to.

My actions are slow and methodical- I already have a suicide note written- I like to have one written at all times, just in case I cut too deep by accident. Just in case, so they'll know how much I love them and how much I tried to hang on. They need to know- that I'm not trying to be selfish by giving up, and letting them deal with eons of more pain- I've just hit my limit, and sometimes, you just can't do it anymore. Sometimes- breaking is the only thing left to do.

I'm fully aware of what I'm about to do. Fully aware that it might be _years_ before I can ever see my brothers and sister again. Fully aware that this might result in one of them joining me. Fully aware that this is not the easy way out- and they're going to have to deal with the consequences of my actions. Fully aware that it may not even work- that I might be saved like last time. But I'm going to do it. I've come as far as holding a razor blade to my wrist- there is no going back from this.

One soft, fluid motion. The blade splits my skin easily- going down the length of my entire forearm. The blood that flows from the wound is sticky and the smell of it makes the dizziness stronger. I'm already light-headed, slumping to the floor in a matter of seconds. The next thing I hear, is a door slamming open, and heavy footsteps thudding on the ground. Screams of my name- tear-filled voices, hoarse with pain, heed my foggy vision, as the darkness grows.

And then everything fades to black, and I am dead.

* * *

**So...I'm really not looking forward to reposting all of this, because it'll take fucking forever, and I'm not a petient person. If you guys have any ideas/ways I could get the stuff you've already read up faster, without losing all my readers, that'd be awesome. And no- I cannot restore the story- you can only restore stories you, yourself have deleted, and the site deleted this.**

**Something I was thinking about was- when I update- I'll post three chapters, instead of one. We've got almost 22 chapters left, before you guys get the new stuff, so I can have it all up in about a week. I'd just love to have you review each of them- this is a popular story, and the amount of reviews truly made me really happy- I just don't want to lose it- your kind words would all be in vain, because they were deleted, and I don't want that. Anyway- if you've got any other ideas, I'm completely open to them.**

**Thanks for bearing with me, guys.**

**-Neha**


	4. Chapter 3

**So, I've decided ti start with two chapters a day, possibly three. If you guys could review both, that'd be so amazing. Trigger warning- anorexia, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and depression.**

* * *

"RATLIFF!"

"Call a fucking ambulance! One of you, don't fucking care who, just do it!"

"Riker, help me!"

My thoughts are racing, as I drop down to my knees beside Rocky. He looks at me- panicked fear evident in his eyes, passing me a towel.

"Put pressure on his wrist," Rocky mutters. "He'll bleed out, otherwise."

I nod, still having no words to describe the situation, as I swaddle Ratliff's mangled arm in the towel, and press down hard. The click-clack of Austin's crutches grows closer, and I glance up at the right time- for him to hobble into the room, phone in one hand.

"They're on their way," he says lowly. "Rydel went outside to wait for them. Is he breathing?"

Rocky presses two fingers under Ratliff's chin- to the pulse point on his neck, holding his hand there for a few moments, before nodding slightly. "Barely."

"Fuck…" Austin whispers. "I fucking _knew_ something was wrong…"

"Don't," Rocky says, his voice laced with tears. "Don't blame yourself for this. It was _all_ our faults. We should've noticed something was wrong sooner. I should've…fuck…I forgot all about him… I was so wrapped up in taking care of you, and Riker and Rydel's fight…he wanted to talk to me…probably about something related to this…I could've fucking prevented this!"

He slams his fist into the bathroom wall, creating a dent in the tiling. His eyes blaze, as he does it once more, twice more, three times more, and he immediately brings his arm back to hit the wall again- despite the fact that the appendage is already bruising and swelling up.

"Rocky," I say hoarsely, using my free hand to catch his fist. "Don't. You're scaring Austin."

Rocky sighs. He glances over at our youngest brother, who does have the look of obvious fear etched on his face. "I'm just…sorry. This is the second time, and…I just…" He trails off, biting his lip _hard_, before turning back to Ratliff's motionless body. "Is the blood stopping?"

I nod. "Yeah, it's getting slower. The towel's helping. Grab me another?" The towel's soaked red with Ratliff's blood- it's everywhere, even covering my arms, to an extent. I wonder…if this is how they found me when I tried to end my life. Obviously, Austin wasn't there- but everything else is nearly identical.

"He can't die." Austin's voice is a dead whisper. "I need him…I love him so much…

"So do we, Aus…" Rocky sighs. "And if we can get him to the ER in time, he'll be okay. Otherwise…" A choked sob escapes, and then tears streak his cheeks- shocking me. Rocky doesn't cry- he hasn't done it in _years_.

"We're gonna be okay," I whisper, my voice shaking on every level. "We're gonna be fine."

But my words of reassurance are purely empty- because I don't _know_ if we'll be okay, at this point.

* * *

"He left a note."

Riker slumps into the chair next to mine, a haunted look in his eyes. Austin's eyes widen, and he cranes his neck to see the paper that Riker's just handed me. Rydel isn't with us- she went outside to collect her thoughts- this had a huge impact on her- not that it didn't impact the rest of us on a great level.

"You read it?"

Riker nods. "I can't…I need a minute to process it…he said some things…" He rises to his feet, and turns back for a second. "Rocky…you're trying to take care of all of us…but you can't forget about one of us…"

He walks off, and Austin sighs. "Read it first, there's obviously something in it for you- I'm gonna go find him and Rydel." He props himself up on his crutches, and hobbles away, following the direction Rydel- and now Riker- have gone in.

With shaking hands, I unfold the creased notebook paper, almost crying at Ratliff's messy handwriting- anything that reminds me of him is sparking emotion in me.

_Hey guys._

_You're gonna find this with my dead body (hopefully), so I guess all traces of happiness are gone. I don't think any jokes I could crack would take away from the spell-binding pain that's twisting and gripping your hearts right about now. I'm sorry it had to end this way- I really am. I didn't want it to- don't think of me as a selfish dick that was just waiting to hurt you guys- no. I never wanted to hurt any of you- even though I know that this will hurt more than anything. I'm not a soft person- I never have been- so this is gonna be harsh. If it makes you pissed at me- good. I'm already dead. But let's move onto the painful things, shall we?_

_I'm gonna start with you, Austin. Let's just put it this way- you were the true light in my life. It's almost been a month- and while some may consider that a short amount of time- it was enough for me. You fucking cared, Aus. You cared when I don't even think my biological siblings did. It's not that they didn't care- it was pushed to the back of their minds- but I'll elaborate on that soon. You were gonna ask me if I was okay, multiple times this evening, and the thought of you caring so much is enough to me. I love you for it. When you joined our family, the attention was taken off me- which proved to be a blessing and a curse at the same time. It was a blessing, because I didn't have these guys fucking smothering me all the time- that got old, fast- but a curse, because I was pushed to the side and forgotten about. I don't hold a fiber of resentment toward you, Aus. It's not your fault at all- so please, for me- **don't** put the blame on yourself. You're such an amazing person- one of the strongest I've ever met. Even though you don't see it- you have so much sunshine in you, bro- enough to light up an entire room. I didn't know the old, happy, cheerful Austin personally, but I feel like he's trapped in you. He's trying to get you, love- you just have to** let **him out. Let yourself be happy, because happiness is not easily achieved. I love you so much- do me a favor? Take care of the dumbasses I call siblings for me, yeah? They're gonna need you. I'm so sorry, Aus. **I love you**._

_I guess- Rydel, you're up next. What happened to you, you fucking idiot? I've watched you drift away these past few weeks- lashing out at everyone. You know I love you- and it breaks my heart to see you fall apart. Let me tell you one thing- you're **not** fat, babygirl. I'm younger than you, but I'm calling you that and you're gonna fucking live with it, because these are my last words and I'd like to convey them just like I envision. Back to the point- you aren't fat, and I hate that you think you are. You're perfect, and I just wish you'd see it, because what's staring back at you in the mirror is distorted. I hate the way you think of yourself. But- don't blame yourself for this- not your fault, either. I'm just…I dunno, done? Whatever. But you are not fucking killing yourself over me. I swear, if you join me in the next year, I will greet you by beating you with a stick. I wouldn't, really, but please just, don't. Rydel, I'm saying this as your brother- your fucking protective younger brother. Don't. Promise me, yeah? Keep the idiots in line- lord knows, they'd forget their heads if they weren't attached. They need you. I love you, babygirl. So fucking much. I'm sorry it had to end this way- really, I am._

_Apparently we're going in age order, because it's your turn, Riker. I feel so bad for doing this- because of you, Rik. You're killing me right now- you're so broken, and I'm hoping to whoever is fucking up there, that you don't follow me immediately. Rik, you have so much to live for, and you need to stop cutting. Please, bro. You need to stop slitting your wrists- you're so much goddamn better than that. The promise you made to Rocky **means something**, and you know it. You can't ignore it- you need to get your head back on straight, love. I guess being ignored and pushed to the side by you doesn't hurt as much, because I know you were trying to keep yourself alive the entire time, and I would prefer to kill myself, than to watch you do it again. You'll be in my place- when we found you on the bathroom floor, only the tables will be turned. Rik, just…don't destroy yourself any further, yeah? You're already so far down, if you cut, you are **going**__to cut too deep. I can promise you that you're gonna do it, because I **know **you. I know you well, Rik, and I know that you have absolutely no self-control when it comes to self-harm. So please, **don't** start. I love you too much to even think about you dying, Rik. Hang on, if not for yourself, for me. Please. I love you so much- and I'm so sorry this is going to hurt you. _

_At last, Rocky. I saved you for last, because I honestly don't know what to say…I don't know whether I want to yell at you, or just flat-out tell you what you've done. Don't get me wrong- I love you, but you've been an asshole to me, lately, and maybe, that's what brought this on. It most likely isn't- probably an effect of me not being able to control myself, even with those fucking meds, but still. Anyway. Rocky, when Austin came into our lives, I became chopped liver to you. You and I always used to be the closest- I relied on you, Rocky…you were the reason I was still sane, at certain times, when all I wanted to do was breakdown in tears. You keep me calm- you made sure I was alright, and then Austin arrived. I was pushed to the side for him. In the car, this afternoon? I asked if you and I could talk, Rocky, I wanted to tell you that I had this note written. I wanted to show you my arms and ask for help. I wanted to bury my face in your chest and cry. I wanted **you**, Rocky. But Austin was more important. I didn't mean to knock him down. I didn't mean to hurt him, I love him so much. But I was deemed unimportant. Riker and Rydel have fights like no fucking tomorrow- and you felt it important to reprimand Rydel, because Riker's about to commit suicide…but I'm farther gone than he is. Am I not important anymore? I'm sorry if I've done anything to disappoint you- I love you, and I just needed my big brother. You were there every time I didn't need you, but the one time I really needed you…and you had more important things to do. This doesn't mean I don't love you, because I fucking do. I love you so much- you were my fucking lifeline. Just…you needed to know. I love you, big bro. Don't doubt that- I always will. I'm sorry. _

_My meds aren't working anymore, guys. The voices are back. They're worse than ever, and it hurts so much. I couldn't take it- I knew slitting my wrist would be more effective than holding the gun to my temple, because I did that last time, and Rocky found me. I guess this is it. Never doing for a second that I love you guys, because I do, and I always will. I'll be watching, so try not to make complete fools outta yourselves, yeah? _

_I love you all more than there are stars in the sky,_

_Ellington Ratliff Lynch_

* * *

**Thanks for understanding, really, guys. Reviews would be lovely- I'd really appreciate your thoughts on the entire story. Thanks for reading.**

**-Neha**


	5. Chapter 4

**Trigger warning- suicidal thoughts and depression**

* * *

"He's stable. We managed to stitch the wound, and we've cleaned him up- but he did lose a lot of blood. We're slowly giving it back to him, but he will be pretty weak for a few days. Now- this _was_ obviously a suicide attempt, so we're going to keep him here for seventy-two hours, and run some tests. We also want to get him started on a new medication to control his schizophrenia, because the old prescription doesn't seem to be doing its job anymore. He _is _on suicide watch, so nothing sharp, pointy, nothing he could use to kill himself/hurt himself is permitted in his room. I imagine you'd like to see him?"

He's met with unanimous nods. I look up at him, my eyes searching for any tidbit of information that might say more about Ratliff's condition. There were a bunch of medical terms in that- ones that I didn't particularly _get_.

"C'mon, Aus," Riker says, as he helps me up, before straightening and leaning over to wrap his arm around Rydel. He leads us both behind Rocky and the doctor- I can see the incessant quivering of his entire body, and it's worrying me. Riker looks like he's about to fucking disintegrate.

"Alright. Rocky, you're allowed to stay with him, but only you, as you are his legal guardian. He should be released by Thursday night. He's still unconscious, but _if_ he wakes up- do not get angry with him. No negativity in the slightest- because he will not be happy that this didn't work. Just comfort him- let him know you're there for him. And now- I'll leave you to it. If he wakes up, one of you needs to come get me."

Rocky nods and thanks him, and Riker pushes open the door to Ratliff's hospital room. He steps inside, and Rydel follows wordlessly- Rocky urges me to go in next, and he brings up the rear.

"Oh fuck, Ratliff…"

My brother honestly looks dead. His skin is translucent- hair messy, the hospital gown making him look extremely thin. There's an IV in his left wrist, and a bag of blood connected to tubing, in his right. His left wrist is also wrapped heavily in bandages- covering the stitches put on the cut he hoped would end it all.

"Can I…can you guys give me a minute alone with him…? Please…" Rocky looks at us desperately, his eyes flickering from Ratliff's body, to the ceiling.

* * *

"I'm so sorry, Ratliff…god, I'm so sorry, baby…this is all my fault…"

Tears stream down my face, as I stroke Ratliff's cheek gently. He's completely out, and I don't think he will even remember this when he wakes up. I just…I still can't believe what I've done to him. I'm a horrid big brother- it's my job to take care of these guys, and I just left Ratliff in the dust.

"I just…you can't die on us, Ell. We love you, we need you…_I_ need you…you said that you rely on me, in your letter, but I rely on you too…I need you, and I'm so sorry for neglecting you. Like, you don't even know, if there's anything I could ever do to make it up to you, I'd do it in a second, no matter what it is…"

"…love me…"

My eyes widen. "Ratliff…?"

"The very same." His eyes blink open, finally coming around to rest on me. "Somehow, I had doubt that even this would work. I guess I was right to. You guys'll always save me, won't you?"

"_Yes_," I say forcefully, leaning over to wrap my arms around him. "I love you so much…I'm so fucking sorry, Ratliff…"

"S'okay," Ratliff whispers. "Still love you."

"Oh, Ratliff…you shouldn't. I almost _killed_ you…"

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, keyword- _almost_. I'm still here, aren't I? And the extreme guilt taking over your body right now means that you _do_ care- a helluva lot, and that's enough for me."

I sigh. Ratliff exhales a heavy breath, kicking off the blanket, and sitting up, turning so he's dangling his legs off the bed. "Can you give me a proper hug now?"

"Thought you'd never ask," I reply, pulling him into my arms, and squeezing as tight as possible. I lean down and press a multitude of kisses to his head and hair, smiling ruefully. "I'm sorry, baby."

"I've already forgiven you. And _stop_ calling me baby!"

"You're a baby to me. I'm four years older than you are. So shut the fuck up, and let me have my moment, because I just watched you almost fucking bleed out on our bathroom floor, and I think I fucking deserve it."

* * *

"Hug me, you fucking idiot. I'm not gonna snap in half."

I hand Riker my crutches, and hop over to Ratliff. He lifts me and pulls me onto the bed easily, even in the weak state he's in. Ratliff presses me into his chest, and I bury my face in his shoulder, letting my tears soak into the hospital gown.

"Never again," I scold shakily. "You fucking scared me. Never again, I swear to god, if you try again and it doesn't work I will kill you myself."

"Threatening a suicidal patient? We could have you kicked outta the hospital for that!" Ratliff teases, kissing my head. "But really, I'm sorry, Aus. Although I meant what I said in the letter. I love you so much- and you _have_ brought happiness to my life."

"Here, go over to Rocky. He looks like he could use a hug. Too damn uptight for his own good, don'tcha think?" Ratliff whispers in my ear.

"I _heard_ that!"

Ratliff lifts his head and smiles at our oldest brother. "Good." He helps me into a standing position, taking my crutches from Riker and slipping them under my arms. I hobble over to Rocky, and crash into his chest, inhaling his scent, as he pulls me onto his lap.

"Hey, you idiot. Is Ratliff plotting against me?"

I giggle, nodding slightly.

"Austin! I can't believe you'd betray me like that! I thought we were brothers!" Ratliff's voice rises from the other side of the room, where he's hugging Riker, and he sticks his tongue out at me.

"Austin loves _me _more, he'll always tell me what's up!" Rocky shoots back.

"He does not!"

"Actually, I love _Riker and Rydel_ the most," I tease, eliciting horrified looks from the two bickering brothers.

"See?" Rydel scoffs at her brothers, walking over and wrapping me in a tight hug. "Twins are the fucking best."

"Oh, don't tell me we're gonna get another lecture on twin power…"

"Ratliff!"

* * *

"Really scared me, y'know. Was gonna follow you. I thought about it."

"Damn glad you didn't, then," I reply into Riker's hair, rubbing his back gently. Rocky and Austin dragged Rydel to the cafeteria- they're gonna try to make her eat something- it's been a while since all of us have eaten anything. "If you had joined me in fucking heaven, I would've killed you a second time, I swear to god."

"And what makes you think I'm going to heaven?" Riker laughs bitterly, pressing closer to me.

"You're too amazing to even be considered for hell," I reply immediately, kissing his hair. "I'm two years younger than you, but I'm no fucking idiot. You're a wonderful person, Riker. You deserve happiness."

"Apparently I don't," Riker says steely. "Because whenever the tiniest good thing happens, something else goes fucking wrong."

"Would you stop being a fucking pessimist?" I sigh. "Good might happen, you just need to let yourself see it. Let yourself break, Rik. You know that we won't judge you for it. You deserve to let all the pent-up emotion out."

"You don't become a pessimist by choice, Ratliff. You have to be broken in a multitude of ways, before you come to the realization that nothing will ever get better, and if it does, you're going to die either way."

* * *

**So, there's the first two chapter update. I hope this works out, and we can eventually hike it up to three.**

**-Neha**


	6. Chapter 5

**So...I only got two reviews on each chapter last time...I'm not upset or anything, but I'd love some more- I'd really love to know that you guys are still reading and sticking with me... Trigger warning- depression.**

* * *

"I'm worried about Riker."

"Correction- I'm _terrified_ for Riker."

Ratliff glances up at me, before resting his head back in the crook of my neck. "He's a mess, Rocky. I…I'm afraid he's going to try and kill himself before we can intercept him."

"I don't know how to help him…he refuses to listen to any goddamn things we have to say…"

Ratliff sighs. "I think he's broken his promise. I think he's cutting again. But I don't want you to send him to therapy, Rocky. Therapy is shit, and it helps no one. If you do decide to- you need to find someone who has self-harmed in the past- those people are the only ones who truly understand. Not the ones who just sit there and ask 'how does that make you feel?' after you tell them every goddamn thing. You need to get Riker someone who will understand." Ratliff takes a deep breath. "Because he's drowning, and he needs someone to understand- he needs someone to take care of him, because he obviously can't do it on his own."

* * *

"Fucking finally. I thought it'd be ages before I was out of this fuckhole."

Ratliff stretches his arms over his head, yawning, as he stumbles into the car. He's finally being released- the psych hold didn't come up with anything unusual, so he's good to go. We just need to bring him back in a week or so, to get those stitches removed.

"Just drive," Rocky chuckles, handing the keys to Rydel. "And try not to get us killed."

"Excuse me? Are you doubting my driving skills?" Rydel huffs, turning the key in the ignition, and backing out of the hospital.

"Well, you did get that ticket…"

"It was _one_ time! And we promised we'd _never_ speak of it again!"

"But-"

"Shut your mouth, before I crash this car on _purpose_!"

"And you call _us_ the children," Austin scoffs, resting his head on my shoulder. He glances at me with concern in his eyes. "Y'alright, Rik?"

I nod wordlessly, pressing a kiss to his mop of blonde hair. The silence that drapes over our car next is tense, sticky with agitation and quieted words. There are so many things that I _know_ every one of us wants to say, but we keep quiet, in fear of hurting another, or accidentally saying the wrong thing.

"God, it's quieter than a cemetery," Ratliff comments, earning him a thump on the forehead from Rydel.

"_Must_ you be so goddamn morbid all the time?"

Ratliff smirks. "Only for you, dear sister."

* * *

"Are you _sure_ you want to go today, Aus?"

I sigh, giving Rocky a slight nod. "Yeah. I've missed too much school. I need to go. Midterms are soon, and I don't wanna fail. I'll get Ratliff's work for him."

"But who's gonna help you out?"

"I'll manage," I reply. "It's one day. I'll keep my bookbag on my back, and I should be good."

"Rocky, come off it. He'll be fine," Rydel chuckles, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "You worry too much."

"I'd rather that, than me worry too little," Rocky mutters. "I just love you guys and wanna take care of you, okay?"

"Alright, we're here," Rocky says again, turning around to look at me. "I love you. You'll call us if you need us, yeah?"

I nod. "Promise. Love you guys too." I push open the car door, and Rydel hands me my crutches, getting out behind me, and helping me get situated. She puts my bookbag on both shoulders, and I take a step forward, wincing at the added weight, but sighing moments later. I turn around, leaning up to kiss her cheek. "Thanks."

"No problem, love," she replies. "See you after school."

She gets into the car, but Rocky doesn't move. I assume he's waiting for me to safely get inside the school, so I continue to hobble forward, until I've reached the building entrance. When I get inside, I hear the car drive off, and I sigh to myself.

Something tells me I'm not gonna like this day.

* * *

"Hey Austin. Where's your brother?"

I glance down from the bleachers, a sigh escaping me. Ally's standing there, trying to talk to me. Gym class is almost over- they were given five free minutes after the square-dancing competition, and I'm wishing I was somewhere else right now.

"He stayed home today," I mutter, pulling out my phone. "Anything else I can help you with?"

"You can tell me how your knee feels. And you can tell me that you're okay."

I scoff. "My knee obviously fucking hurts. And why do you give a damn of whether I'm okay or not? We're not friends, remember?"

Ally looks at me sadly. "Maybe I want to change that. I miss you, Aus."

"You lost the right to call me that, the day you called me a jealous dickhead," I growl. "And maybe I _don't_ want to change things, in terms of our friendship. I'm happy the way I am, and if you're friends with Dez, I'm not going to even think about associating with you."

"Oh, come on," Ally chides. "This isn't middle school- I can be friends with both of you. And what did Dez do that was so awful, anyway? It's not like he told that kid to push you down. Nor is it that he told anyone to beat you up or call you names."

"I'm not getting into this with you," I mutter. "I gotta go."

"Ally! Period's over, we're gonna go change!" Trish's voice is loud, even though she's on the other side of the gym.

Ally groans. "We'll talk later."

"Yeah, just keep believing that," I mumble under my breath, hefting my bookbag onto my back, and grabbing my crutches.

* * *

"Austin!"

"What the _fuck _is it this time?!" Ally stops beside me, and I sigh, continuing at my slow pace. I have four minutes to get to class, and I'd rather not waste them talking to one of my former friends, who thinks everything can be fixed in the blink of a fucking eye.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for Dez. He's an asshole- you're right."

"Oh, really?" I snort. "What made you change your mind? The fact that you prefer my friendship over his? Come _on_, Ally. This is just a ploy to get me to come back to you, and it's not gonna fucking work. I don't need you."

"Yeah, you do." Ally leans her arm on my back, and I freeze. Why is she putting more weight on me? I already feel like I'm going to fall down- the weight of my bookbag is more than enough. I'm tired, and finding the strength to support my _own_ weight is hard enough.

"Get off me," I growl. "You're gonna make me fall."

Someone bumps into Ally, and she stumbles. Her full weight is on me- and that's enough to push me to the ground. That's enough to make me hit the ground _hard_- on my injured knee. My eyes widen, as pain shoots up my entire leg.

"Oh my god, Austin! I'm so sorry!"

"Fuck," I curse, grabbing for my injured leg. I look up at her, blinking back tears and biting down on my lip. "My phone. Back pocket. I need you to scroll down to the R's, and call one of the four names you see, and give me the phone. _Please_."

"Here, let's get you up first…" Ally looks extremely worried, and I sigh, shaking my head.

"No," I grunt. "Do it. I need you to."

"I'm so sorry," Ally says again, and I have to resist the urge to cry out. She slides my phone out from my back pocket, and I can hear her tapping the screen, looking for one of my siblings' names. She taps one of them, and then I hear the phone ring. "Here."

"_Aus? What's up, love? Aren't you in lunch?"_

Ratliff's voice booms from the speaker, and I sigh into the phone. "Got knocked down in the hallway, Ally was leaning on me for some goddamn reason, trying to talk to me, she stumbled, and I fell. My knee…it fucking hurts…don't think I can get back up…"

"_What?!_" Ratliff's voice holds surprised shock, and I can hear him talking to one of our siblings, probably Riker or Rocky. "_We'll come get you. What hall?_"

"Near the north gym," I mutter. "Hurry. It hurts."

"_We know, love. We know. We'll be there in five minutes. Just hang on, yeah?_"

I press the 'end call' button, and let out a soft whimper, pressing my cheek to the cold floor.

"Here, come on. Let's sit you against the wall," Ally says gently. She reaches over and grabs my waist, but I shimmy away, causing myself more pain, but not caring.

"Don't touch me," I growl. "I can do it." I scoot over to the wall, and force my body into a sitting position, leaning my head back against the wall, and stretching my knee out. Movement of the injured limb causes so much pain, and I just hope I haven't hurt it worse, because that'd be horrid.

"So, they're legally your siblings now?" Ally tries to make conversation, and I groan inwardly, shaking my head.

"Yeah. Rocky adopted me." Short answers are all I can give, but she should be happy that I'm talking to her. I wouldn't be, if I wasn't going hallucinated from the pain.

"I still don't think it was justified. He's not even 21, is he?"

My glare hardens. "He's 20. And he is one of the four best things to happen to me in the past month, so I'd suggest you shut your fucking trap, because I'm in _no_ mood to hear you talk shit about the people who've kept me from committing suicide."

Thudding footsteps cut her answer off, and I glance up at just the right moment. Ratliff is running toward us, Rocky following. The white bandages on Ratliff's arm are quite prominent, and even though he's holding his arm to his chest, I'm gonna hope he doesn't run into someone he knows and get questioned about it. Saying he attempted suicide is not the typical answer someone wants to hear.

"Thank _god_," I mutter, reaching out an arm for them. Ally glares at me, wanting to say something, but holding her tongue. Good going, I'm not in the mood for her shit right now. Rocky reaches me first, leaning down and lifting me into his arms. I sigh, hanging onto his neck, and burying my face in it. "Thank you…"

"Don't," Rocky shushes me. He and Ratliff turn to Ally, their gazes serious, hollowed by concern and hints of anger.

"Why would you _lean_ on him?! He's injured- he had _surgery_ less than two weeks ago!"

"I didn't mean to," Ally defends weakly. "I forgot."

"Forgot?! He's on crutches, for god's sake!" Ratliff snaps. He exhales a heavy breath, turning to me. "Aus, you okay?"

"My knee hurts," I mutter. "Can we go home?"

"Yeah, love. Ratliff, it's not worth it, yelling at her won't do anything. You _both_ need to be resting, so let's go home."

"Wait, both?!"

Ally looks confused, and I feel Rocky shake his head. "That's none of your business, really. C'mon Ratliff, let's get him home."

* * *

"Aus?"

Rocky enters our room, his eyes wide in thought. "I have an proposition for you."

I prop myself up on my elbows, looking at him curiously. "Yeah?"

He sits on the edge of the bed. "Well, me, Riker, and Rydel were talking…and we were talking about the shit you and Ratliff had to put up with in school, and it's really not fair to you guys. You're not learning anything because you're so upset- so we came up with something. We talked to Ratliff, and he's fully on board with it."

"What is it?"

"Well, Aus, how would you feel about homeschooling?"

* * *

**Could I ask for 30 reviews? That'd make my day- thank you guys so much for being so patient. **

**-Neha**


	7. Chapter 6

**So, here's the thing. You're getting the entire rest of the old chapters. Right now. And no, I'm not kidding. I'm way too impatient to wait, and you guys are pretty amazing. And you all should also thank this gues reviewer who finally convinced me of this. Chapter 25 will be up tomorrow, but you guys have to deal with my old author's notes, because I'm lazy as all hell. xD Anyway- sit back, relax, and enjoy.**

* * *

A feeling of warmth crashes over me, as I turn to Rocky, nodding frantically. "Yes, oh my god, yes!"

He grins. "Similar to Ratliff's reaction. I should've guessed. We'll get to work on this, love. Only instead of actual homeschool, Riker said he'd try to find you both something online. Sound good?"

"Yeah," I say happily. "Help me up? I need to go hug him."

"Aw, of course," Rocky chuckles. "You're so cute."

"Call me cute one more time, and this crutch goes in your eye," I mutter.

"Well then, Mr. Feisty. Come on out with me." He ignores my crutches, instead lifting me into his arms and kissing my head when I attempt to protest. "You're exhausted, love. Let us help you- you don't need to use those plastic pieces of metal when we're home."

"Plastic pieces of metal? Really?"

"I tried, so shut it."

"Hey! Are we making fun of Rocky again?" Ratliff greets us with wide eyes and a large grin on his face, leaving Rocky groaning.

"What the _fuck_ did you give him?"

Rydel sighs. "Nothing. He's just naturally hyper. Have fun with it. I'm stealing my Austin."

She stands up, and pulls me from Rocky's arms, her strength amazing me. I'm not that light, and she doesn't look like she could lift someone of my weight, but I guess she can. "Let's go find Riker," she mutters.

"Since when did I go missing?"

"Rik," I say, stretching my arms out for him. "I love you so much right now."

He laughs, reaching out and taking me from our sister. "You love me all the time, we all know it. But why do you love me so much _now_?"

"Homeschool," I murmur into his neck. "I need it so badly."

"Yeah, you do." Riker's tone is serious. "We don't want you to have to call us every day to come get you. We'd rather- _I'd _rather- you _both_ home safely, doing your work with no distraction, where we can protect you and love you guys."

* * *

"It's all set?"

I nod. "Yep. You two officially no longer attend public high school. I still have to actually register you guys for online school, but I found a good one, so it's basically done."

"Amazing job, Rik," Rocky murmurs, leaning over to drop a kiss on my head. "Thank you."

"Yeah, thank you so much," Austin seconds. "Ratliff's sleeping, but I'm sure he'll be grateful." His eyes widen slightly, and he sighs. "I need to go clean out my locker…ugh…"

"Hey, Ratliff has to do it too. So tomorrow morning, we'll take you both over so you can do that. All your credits are transferring, so you don't need to worry about that," I offer. "It'll be fine, you'll see."

"Just…ugh. Why the fuck would she even lean on me? That fucking hurt…"

"She's batshit crazy." A voice rises from the couch, and I have to hold back a laugh.

"Ratliff!"

"What? It's so true!"

"That doesn't mean you _say_ it!" Austin giggles.

"You should know by now, that idiot has _no_ fucking filter. He says what's on his mind, and half the time, the things aren't pleasant," Rydel mutters darkly, glaring at Ratliff.

"You know you guys love me," Ratliff grins. "And I know I love Riker because no fucking bullying anymore thank fucking god."

"I love you too, in response to whatever that was," I reply, laughing at him. I'm actually happy, for once in a long time, and it's heart-warming that a mere conversation with my siblings can do that much to change my mood.

* * *

I thought Austin was strong.

I mean, he works out, right? So when I leaned on him, I assumed he'd be able to hold my weight, like he used to be able to. Has he gotten weaker or something?

I just…I don't understand him anymore. He's not the Austin Moon I know, and I don't know who the hell this guy is. This guy is bitter and rude, yet he cries like no tomorrow. It's like he's bipolar- his mood swings are uncontrollable, and I don't know what to even say to him.

Leaning on him was something I did a lot of, when we were best friends. He'd laugh and hug me, and I'd laugh too. Where's _that_ Austin? This depressed, angry Austin is pissing me off- he needs to take a chill pill and relax. He needs to have some fun in his life, and learn that not everyone deserves to be fucking screamed at.

He's also too damn dependent. It seems like he's _attached_ to Rocky and his siblings. Like, the Austin I know isn't dependent- he's the fucking opposite, and doesn't like to be molly-coddled. He doesn't accept help from anyone, and he's always trying his best to satisfy everyone with help from no one. Where the hell did _that_ Austin go?

He's changed, and I don't like it. I want the old Austin Moon back- this one is the exact opposite of him, and god, he's acting like a completely different person. What happened to the funny, happy guy that was once my best friend? Where'd he go?

* * *

"We're just gonna go in, clean out your lockers, and come back. It shouldn't take that long, and hopefully, we'll be in and out by the time the period's over, so you won't run into people you know and have to explain this."

I nod, limping forward with Ratliff beside me. "How're we gonna do this?"

"Rocky, Rydel, you come with me. Riker, you go with the cripple," Ratliff orders.

"Excuse you!" I reach over to thump his forehead, glaring at him. "Who're you calling a cripple, you asshole?"

"Ratliff, run! Before he goes for your eye!" Rocky mock yells, feigning fear with wide eyes.

"You better," I grumble, as Ratliff dashes down the main hallway, and disappears into A-hall.

"Well, Rocky and I are gonna go chase an idiot. See you guys soon," Rydel mutters, pulling a protesting Rocky down the hall.

"So, locker?" Riker asks.

I nod tiredly, hobbling forward. This school is fucking huge, and crutching through it is exhausting. I feel like I want to drop fucking dead, and by the time we get to my locker, all I want to do is curl up in fetal position and sleep.

"Let's just get this done, then we can go home and nap," Riker whispers. "Here, put those down. I've got you. Won't let you fall."

"Ugh…" I groan. "I fucking hate this."

"So do we, love," Riker replies sadly, as I pull various books from my locker and set them on the floor.

"Austin? What are you doing?"

When I turn my head, I catch Ally's eyes, and groan loudly. _Why does she need to butt into every single goddamn thing I do, for fuck's sake?!_

"Clearing out my locker. What does it _look_ like I'm doing?" I reply bitterly, pulling a sweatshirt from the small space, and tossing it on the floor with everything else.

"_Why_? It's November, the school year isn't _close_ to over."

I sigh, slamming my empty locker shut. Riker helps me to turn around, so I can face her, still supporting me so I don't fall. "I'm not coming to school here anymore. Neither is Ratliff."

"What the _hell_?!" Her voice rises in disbelief, as she stares at me. "You can't _do_ that!"

"And why not?" I shoot back. "I didn't know it was _you _who made my decisions for me."

"What are you gonna do? Drop out and end up on the streets?! I didn't know you were the type to quit when things get difficult." Her voice is cold, and it angers me even further. Does she always _need_ to see the bad in me? I'm not a fucking coward- I'm switching to homeschooling, so I don't end up committing fucking suicide, not because I'm selfish or trying to avoid her. Trust me, she's the _least_ of my worries.

"No," I say steely. "I'm being homeschooled. And honestly, I don't see why it matters to you. You're being a fucking bitch, Ally. There. I said it- I said what's been on my mind since that damn episode with Dallas. You're being a bitch, and I'm fucking _sick_ of your shit. If you wanna be my friend, you're not getting yourself any closer by acting like this. It's my choice, and my decision, and _Rocky_ is the only one who has a say in it. You don't control me- you don't decide what I do. I'm doing what's best for _me_. It may not be the best for you, but god fucking forbid, you don't have your former best friend by your side 24/7. When I was there, I was treated like gum on your fucking shoe. When I'm leaving, you suddenly care. You're not my goddamn damsel in distress- if you need someone, you have Dallas. And Trish. And Dez. Not to mention, you're fucking popular. I'm the person everyone fucking hates, thanks to Dez. You guys have ruined my fucking life, so why are you so damn interested in it now?! Do me a fucking favor, and stop poking your ass into my life. I'm fucking _done_ with you. All you've done is ruin me."

* * *

**Reviews would be amazing- thanks guys!**

**-Neha**


	8. Chapter 7

**Eight reviews equal an early update! Thank you guys so much. By the way- I don't own Heartbeat, by Ross Lynch, or One Last Dance, by R5, but I'm using them for the sake of the story. Anyway- trigger warning- depression and suicidal thoughts. Enjoy.**

* * *

"The one thing I like about homeschooling, is how late I get to sleep in. Like, I could do schoolwork at midnight, if I wanted to."

"But you're not _gonna_," Rocky says sternly, glaring at me. "You will do schoolwork at a normal time, like normal kids, thank you very much."

"Aw, but that's no fun!" I protest, glaring at him. "Austin, back me up here!"

Austin chuckles. "Honestly, Ratliff. Why would you want to do _schoolwork_ at midnight, when you could be doing _other_, more _entertaining_ things?" He winks at me, and I grin, nodding.

"You gotta point, my brotha, you gotta point."

"Wait a second. _What_ exactly, do you two do while we're asleep?" Riker asks suspiciously.

"Um," I say quickly. "Nothing! Right, Austin? Nothing!"

"Plan out my suicide," Austin mutters under his breath, but we all catch it, and immediately- our attention is on him.

"Aus, love," Rocky says gently, pulling the injured boy onto his lap. "You're not thinking seriously about this, are you?"

Austin sighs. "Can't lie to you. So, yeah, I am."

"Love," Rocky exhales a heavy breath, kissing Austin's forehead. "That's what we're here for. You need to talk to us about this."

"Don't wanna burden you guys," Austin whispers. "We're just getting back to normal, after Ratliff's…y'know…and I didn't want to shake the family anymore. I'm sorry…"

"Give him to me," I order, holding out my arms. Like a baby, Austin's passed into my arms, and I hug him tightly, sighing. "Austin, my suicide attempt shouldn't make you reluctant to tell us things like this. It was stupid- I did it rashly, without thinking, and I'm damn glad I didn't die. But love, how long has this been going on? How long have you been feeling this way?"

"It never stopped," he says hollowly. "I'm a good actor. A really good actor. You guys didn't see through my mask."

"Baby," I gasp, hugging him tighter. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Aus, sweetheart," Rydel says gently. "You need to tell us about these things. You're hurting, you can't just hide that. We love you, and we just wanna help, but we can't help you if you don't tell us you're hurting."

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm a mess, I'm sorry."

"Hey," Rocky murmurs, lifting Austin's chin. "Stop apologizing. You're not a mess, love. We've got you. We'll hold you together. That's what big brothers are for."

"What am I, chopped liver?!"

"Fine, big _siblings_. Happy?" Rocky grins at our sister, leaning over to ruffle her hair. Her eyes widen, as she bats his hands away, shrieking.

"Riker! Save me!"

Riker grins. "Don't touch my sister, you idiot." He pulls her into his arms and uses his body to shield her from Rocky's fingers.

"I love you guys," Austin whispers. "You're morons, but I love you so much."

* * *

"I just don't get it, Ally. Why _wouldn't_ you want to be friends with Austin again?"

My eyes lock on the brunette in front of me, as I cross my arms over my chest, awaiting an answer. I haven't really been in the loop about the shit that's gone down between her and Austin these past couple days, but something tells me it wasn't at all pretty.

Ally throws her hands up into the air, as if this is the most obvious thing ever, and I just don't seem to get it. "Because he's _not_ Austin!"

"What the hell does _that _mean?!"

Ally sighs. "Trish, he's turned into an asshole. Rude, angry, bitter, a complete dickhead. He basically cursed me out in the hallway today, when all I asked him was why he was cleaning out his locker, and it turns out, he's gonna be homeschooled from now on, can you believe that?!"

"Yes, actually," I mutter. "I can."

"What?!"

"Ally, were you _daydreaming_ the five thousand million times he reiterated that he's depressed and suicidal? Were you on fucking _crack_ when Dez told us that he told the entire goddamn school lies about Austin being entitled and ungrateful?! If you ask me, he's _right _to leave the school."

"The Austin _I _know wouldn't leave when things got tough. He'd stay and fight."

"The Austin _you_ know, is never coming back, Ally," I growl. "You're a bitch, quite damn honestly. You say you want the old Austin back, but look at him now. He's a fucking _mess_. And it's all _our _fault. We kicked him when he was already down- he was getting enough crap from his parents, and all we did was add to it. The poor guy is struggling to keep himself from committing suicide- doesn't that make you the least bit _worried_?"

"I just want my best friend back."

"I do too," I mutter. "But I don't mind him like this. He's so hurt because of _us_. He's damaged because of us. It's _our _fault that we lost the old Austin. I want to be his friend again. And I don't _care_ how broken he is- I'll still love him like a brother. If you wanna join me, fine, but if you wanna spend your time wishing he was the old Austin, good luck with that. You should've thought about it when you were berating him for trying to protect you. I'm going to go get my brother back, come if you want, I don't give a damn if you don't."

* * *

"Rik? Can you help me with something?"

I glance up at my older brother, trying to get his attention. He mutes the TV lazily, before turning to me. "Yeah, Aus?"

"I'm working on some new songs for Jimmy…and I'm shit at song-writing. You think you could help me?"

Riker's eyes light up. He nods excitedly, flicking the TV off, and scooting out from under my legs. He stretches, yawning a bit, before leaning down to lift me off the couch. "Song-writing is something I love doing, let's get this show on the road."

"Idiot," I grumble, as I'm carried off to the basement.

"Alright," Riker says, five minutes later. We're in our previous position- me sitting against the armrest of the couch, with my legs elevated on his lap. He's got my songbook and a pencil with him, and I'm strumming my guitar, appreciating the soft chords I form.

"So, do you want to finish this song?"

I nod slightly. "I really like it…"

Riker thinks for a moment, tapping his pen to a rhythm. He reads over the pre-written lyrics another time, considering them.

"Got it," he says, scribbling something down underneath what I've written. My mind races, as I watch him, strumming my guitar and looking for some indication of what he's thinking about.

"Here, what do you think of this?"

_So wait up, wait up_

_Give me one more chance_

_To make up, make up_

_I just need one last dance_

I hum the lyrics to myself, playing a melody on my guitar that I can associate with them. It all sounds really lovely in my head, and I'm really starting to like this song. Riker's a genius when it comes to this.

"It's beautiful, Rik. I love it," I say honestly.

"Awesome," Riker replies. "I was thinking that for the title, if you don't have one in mind?"

"What, One Last Dance?"

"Yeah," he says, with a sad hint creeping into his voice. "It'll be kinda like a ballad."

"Hey guys? Can we join you?"

The rest of our siblings descend down into the basement, looking hopeful, as their eyes travel over to the couch and land on us.

"Of course," Riker replies. "I was just helping Aus with the song he's been working on. It's really very beautiful."

"Oh, that one?" Rocky asks. "He showed it to me as well…I really like it."

"Wait, what song are we talking about here? I wanna read the lyrics!" Ratliff cries, dashing over and practically ripping my songbook from Riker's hands. Riker starts to say something, but cuts himself off, shaking his head tiredly.

"This is fucking amazing," Ratliff murmurs, glancing up from the pages and looking straight at me.

"Thanks." My cheeks redden slightly at his words, as I turn my gaze to Riker. "Riker wrote the third verse."

"It's still amazing," Ratliff repeats.

"Eh…" I sigh. "I don't know…"

Rocky lets out a heavy breath, looking at me sternly. "You need to stop degrading yourself. I want you to sing something for us now, to prove to _yourself_- that you're not shit."

"No, I can't, it won't be-"

He cuts me off with a look. "Sing, love. Just do it. Don't think about it."

"Can I just sing part of a song?"

"Yeah, love. As long as you sing."

I sigh heavily. "Fine. This is heartbeat."

_I can get your heart beat beat-beat-beatin' like__  
I can get your heart beat beatin' like that  
You know you got my heart beat beat-beat-beatin' like  
Hey-ay ay-ay Hey-ay-ay_

_Would you, would you want it if I stood up above this crowd_  
_Got up on a chair and if I shouted your name aloud_  
_Could you, could you take me, call me baby without a doubt_  
_I'm shouting your name right now, shouting your name right now_

_Don't you get it, get it, I'm nothin' like them other ones_  
_It's placed upon the notion, I ain't hosting no re-runs_  
_I said it, said it, said it, wouldn't let it be all or none_  
_'Cause I ain't no rerun, I ain't no rerun_

_I'll make you forget (forget)_  
_What you came here for (here for)_  
_For goodness sake, let's make or break this heart_  
_'Cause it needs more_

_I can get your heart beat beat-beat-beatin' like_  
_I can get your heart beat beatin' like that_  
_You know you got my heart beat beat-beat-beatin' like_  
_Hey-ay-ay-ay Hey-ay-ay_

_Hey-ay  
Let me hear you like  
Hey-ay-ay hey-ay  
Can you do it like  
Hey-ay hey-ay_

_Hey-ay_  
_Let me hear you like_  
_Hey-ay-ay hey-ay_  
_Can you do it like_  
_Hey-ay hey-ay-ay_

"See? Austin, that was amazing," Rocky whispers. "You can sing beautifully."

"That was lovely, Aus," Rydel seconds quickly, rising to her feet, and walking over to press a kiss to my head. "You sing like an angel."

"I loved it," Ratliff says. "You're so perfect, yet you fail to see it. I don't understand that."

"Austin, you're absolutely amazing, and you have so much potential. Your voice is beautiful, and you need to let yourself see that, love. You need to let it out- it's a gift that you have. Share it with the world, they'll be blessed to have someone like you, singing for them," Riker whispers.

"I'm not that good…"

"Oh, baby…your self-esteem…" Rocky sighs heavily. He holds open his arms, kneeling in front of me, and I bite my lip, sliding my legs off Riker's lap, and leaning down, allowing Rocky to wrap his arms around me.

"I hate how badly people have damaged your self-esteem," he mutters. "You're amazing, and it breaks my heart that you don't see how perfect you are."

"I just…feeling worthless is part of me now…"

"We're going to change that," Riker says firmly. I glance up from Rocky's shoulder, to see him make eye contact with each of his siblings. I wonder what they're trying to communicate- obviously it doesn't include me, because otherwise, they'd be able to speak normally.

"Austin?" Rocky asks, grabbing my attention once more. "Can you look at me, love?"

"Yeah?" I meet his gaze, my tired eyes locking with his brighter ones.

"We've been talking about this for a while, the four of us. We've wanted to ask you for a long time, but we could never find the right moment. Considering what's just went on, I think now would be a perfect time to propose this to you." He takes a deep breath, his eyes unmoving from mine. "You're insecure and your self-esteem is badly damaged. We don't want you going up onstage to perform in front of thousands of people, because you're _going_ to get hate. You're gonna get insulted and catcalled, and considering everything you've been through, you should not have to deal with that bullcrap. So, getting to the point here…we were wondering, since your voice is beautiful, and we need a lead singer- would you like to join R5?"

* * *

**So...how many of you were expecting that? Lol, I've had this planned ever since I started _Broken_, and I'm planning to do some fun things with it :) Anyway- thoughts on the chapter? I'd love it if we could try for 40 reviews? That would make me extremely happy, guys. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	9. Chapter 8

**Trigger warning- mentions of suicide, panic disorder, and self-harm.**

* * *

At first, I don't believe him. I feel like he's just shitting me, because I can definitely not be that good. I don't think I'd even do well as a lead singer for their band, because they have the voices of angels, and I'm just here- a fat lump of nothing that can't do anything right.

"You really want me?" I whisper, looking into the eyes of every single one of my siblings' eyes. All of them look serious, so I can tell this isn't a joke.

"Yeah, we do. It would be amazing. You'd complete it," Riker says.

"Then I guess…I'm in," I reply, still somewhat hesitant.

"Perfect," Rocky murmurs. "We'll keep you safe, love."

"I do have one question, though…"

"Yeah?" Ratliff asks. I glance at him, and then back at the ground.

"Why are you guys called R5, when there were only four of you?"

He grins at me. "Because R4 sounded idiotic and stupid. And now there are five of us. Even though your name doesn't start with R, you're still part of us."

* * *

I ring the doorbell of the Lynch's house nervously. I don't want to be thrown out again, and I know I'm gonna have to penetrate the shield of siblings Austin has in front of him. They're all quite overprotective, and I can finally understand why. They're trying to keep him safe from harm- and all we _did_ was harm him.

The door slides open, and surprisingly, Austin is the one standing in front of me. He's leaning on his crutches- I can see tear tracks on his red face, and he does look pretty tired. His eyes widen, seeing me, and I smile ruefully.

"Trish, what're you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you," I reply. "I finally understood everything…and god…I need to talk to you. I don't care how it happens, but I really need to talk to you."

Austin sighs. "Are you going to yell at me like Ally's been doing? Or are you here to curse me out for the choices I've made? Oh, even better. Are you here to insult me for not forgiving Ally, and for cursing both her and Dez out?"

My heart sinks. Because everything he's just said is completely _true_. He's right to expect that, because that's all we've been giving him, these past few weeks. I finally see what his brothers and sister meant about breaking him. We've done it.

"No," I say. "I just want to talk. I want to see the horror of what we've done to you."

"Fine," Austin mutters. "You can come in." I nod, stepping through the threshold, and into the foyer.

"Aus, who was at the door?"

"Follow me," he says, turning around, and leading me into the living room. In an instant, all gazes are on me, and I can't lie- it does make me feel a bit self-conscious.

"Why is she here?" Ratliff mutters, glaring at me. "Haven't they all hurt you enough?"

"She says she means well, so I'm going to trust her- for now," Austin replies. He limps over to the other blonde guy- who does look like him- I think he's Riker. Riker takes his crutches from him, and helps Austin to sit on his lap, before they both lock their gazes on me.

"You said you wanted to talk, Trish. Have a seat, and go ahead," Austin invites.

"Alright," I sigh, taking a seat on the floor. I glance at my surroundings, catching all of Austin's siblings. Rocky- who's sitting on the couch, next to their sister, Rydel, and Ratliff, who's sitting on a beanbag- a few feet from me- looking not so happy that I'm here. There are white bandages wrapped around one of his arms- and I wonder why. But then I see them all staring at me expectantly, and realize that my thoughts have taken over.

"Austin, yesterday, I realized how much we've actually hurt you. As if the Dallas thing wasn't enough- we were complete bitches to you- and after speaking with Ally and realizing how much of an asshole she's being- it finally clicked," I say. "I'm sorry for everything. I know that doesn't heal any of the emotional wounds we've caused, but I do want to know. What did we do, Austin? I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I deserve to hear it."

Austin whispers something in Riker's ear, and the elder guy nods. He rises to his feet, and carries Austin over, until they're both sitting right in front of me. Austin looks into my eyes, beginning to speak. "I'm not gonna lie, Trish- what you've said and done _have_ really hurt. But you're the first one to actually realize your mistakes and apologize- by apologize, I mean, actually say sorry and mean it. That's sweet, Trish. I really appreciate it." He breathes out a sigh. "This is what you've done to me- it's not pretty, so don't say I didn't warn you."

He rolls up his sleeves, and holds his arms out in front of me. When I see them, a nauseous feeling creeps into my stomach. His arms are completely cut-up and scarred. Red lines criss-cross, creating grotesque patterns all the way up, even past his elbows. Seeing the look on my face, he sighs heavily, pulling his sleeves back down, and pressing himself further back into his older brother's chest.

"I know you regret it now," he says. "Ally may not, and Dez may not, but you do. I can see it on your face. I can't forgive you yet, but I can say that I'll try to work on it. I'm a mess, Trish. A cutter, suicidal, depressed…I'm a fucking mess, and I know that I'll never be the same again. I don't know if you _want_ to be friends with me, at this point. I'm not going to be a good friend- I'm not happy. I don't even know what that is anymore. It's foreign. Ally obviously doesn't want me like this, but I can't change anything."

It's my turn to sigh. "I know. And I don't know what the hell she's on- but she's not making any sense. You're still Austin- no matter what. You've hit your breaking point- but it's _our_ fault. If she's so hung up on the _old_ Austin, then maybe she should've treated him better."

"Yeah," he whispers. He shakes his head, to the glance he receives from Rocky, and I wonder what exactly they're talking about.

"Is he still suicidal?" I direct this question at Rocky, so I can give Austin a break. He looks like he's trying not to fall apart, and this is confirmed, when Riker turns him around, to cradle him into his chest.

"Yeah," Rocky replies. "He's still thinking- planning- his suicide. It'll be a while before he's anywhere close to sane. I mean, the four of us were in his place, and we still haven't recovered. It's an ongoing battle, Trish. He's still fighting- and right now, he's losing."

"Can I just…I don't know…" Austin rambles, his face paling slightly.

"Riker, you and Rydel, take him out. Go calm him down- he's working himself into another panic attack. You can bring him back when he's relaxed- but staying here is only gonna make it worse."

"Rocky…"

"No, love. Go with them. You need to calm down," Rocky murmurs. "I'll talk to Trish."

I watch, my heart wrenching, as Riker rises to his feet once more, and carries Austin from the room. Rydel follows, her eyes wide with concern.

"What was…?" I trail off, not knowing how to finish my sentence.

"He's prone to panic attacks," Rocky replies. "He usually can't breathe, so we have to do whatever we can, to calm him down."

I stare at him. We really…he's having a panic attack because of _me_…?

Ratliff crosses his arms over his chest, grumbling to himself. "I still don't trust you."

"I know you don't," I mumble. "I haven't done anything to earn your trust, nor have I done anything to earn Austin's back. I'm working on it- I am going to win his- and all of yours'- trust, and maybe even go back to being the best friend, the sister I once was to him. I know he's been through a lot, and I know I've been absolutely horrid, but I'm willing to change."

"Good," Rocky says. "That's good. He's broken, but he can be fixed- and I think your friendship will make the healing process easier. You want to talk to him before you leave, correct?"

I nod. "I'll wait until he's ready." The love that radiates from his siblings touches my heart. They truly care about him, and I'm so glad that he's finally found people that won't hurt him- people that care, and shower him with the love he deserves. He's worked so hard, and he deserves to feel happiness- even though he doesn't know what it is- he needs to remember it.

Luckily, the wait is only about five minutes. Riker brings Austin back; the younger one seeming much more relaxed at the moment. He glances at me, his eyes darkening slightly.

"Sorry," he mutters.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," I reply. "_I'm_ sorry you had to go through that. It couldn't have been fun. But- I gotta go, and I wanted to say bye before I left."

He looks so sad and vulnerable- I really want to hug him, but I'm not sure whether that would be considered moving too fast. I just don't know if he's ready for something like that, and I don't want to pressure him into it.

"Um, Austin? Would you mind if I hugged you?"

He looks up at me, eyes wide, as he contemplates this. His brothers' facial expressions change, and Ratliff opens his mouth to protest, but he's silenced when Austin lifts a hand. He shakes his head, before turning back to me.

"I wouldn't mind. C'mere, Trish."

A shadow of his old smile peaks in, and I grin, stepping forward to wrap my arms around him gently. He hugs me back, and I smile at that. However, the fact that he's so thin, and I can feel him shaking- alarms me, and all it does is worsen the guilt that I've been feeling about hurting him in the first place.

"Thank you for giving me another chance, Austin. I won't let you down- I promise."

* * *

**Thoughts? What do you think of Trish's mindset- and how she treated Austin? I'd love to know. Also- today is my last day of spring break- I go back to school tomorrow, so I will be busy. I'll try to keep up with the daily updates, but I can't promise anything. Thanks for understanding- and thank you for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	10. Chapter 9

**Trigger warning- mentions of self-harm and suicide. Also- Ally _is_ very OOC. There's a reason for it- a reason that will later be revealed, but keep this in mind while you read.**

* * *

"Any reason why we're sleeping on the _floor_?"

"Because we were fighting who gets Austin tonight, so now we all get him!"

"What, am I a toy now? No fighting over me!"

"All of you shut the fuck up, some people are _trying_ to sleep!"

"I swear to fucking god…you people are going to be the death of me…" I grumble, shoving my face into a pillow. Ratliff forces himself under my arm, trying to bury into my chest, and I sigh, wrapping my arms around him.

"You love us," Austin chuckles, his voice muffled by Riker's shirt. Rydel is on Riker's other side, and Ratliff is between me and Austin. Awkward sleeping positions…but since when have any of us given a damn?

"Goddammit, will you all just go to sleep?! It's like, 1 in the morning!" Riker's voice is exasperated, as he pulls Austin closer and attempts to bury his face in the younger one's hair. I have to laugh- he likes to go to be at a decent time, and if he doesn't…well, he becomes cranky and pissy and someone you definitely don't want to mess with.

"G'night, Rocky," Ratliff mumbles, settling in against my body and nuzzling his nose into my t-shirt.

"Night, lil' bro," I reply, leaning down to kiss his hair. I pull him closer, as my eyes drift shut.

* * *

"So, you actually went and talked to Austin? And he didn't throw a hissy fit like he usually does? What'd you do, drug him first?"

"Ally," I say stonily. "Listen to yourself. You're going fucking mad. _You're_ the rude, bitter, completely out of character one. Austin is fine- his actions are normal, or as normal as possible under the circumstances. I don't see what you were going on about yesterday- he was fine to talk to. He didn't act rude- and I was truly appalled at what we've done to him. It's not pretty- not at all. He's a fucking mess- I'm surprised he didn't blow up at you sooner."

"Everyone's saying _he's_ a mess! It's not a that big a deal- we apologized, his parents are out of the picture, what's the problem?! Why can't we all just be friends again?!"

"It's a lot bigger than you think," I grumble. "He's so unstable and so fragile right now. He pretty much had a panic attack during our conversation, his brothers took him into another room to calm him down. His mental state is_ fucked_. This is gonna take time, Ally. It's not like he's gonna be the same Austin he once was."

"What do you mean, panic attack? He never has panic attacks. He's the most confident person I know," Ally scoffs.

"Obviously not," I reply. "He had one. It seemed like he couldn't breathe. And I still don't understand why you _leaned_ on him. His knee is braced, and he's on crutches, but it still looks like it's fucking painful. I can't imagine what that felt like for him. You really need to stop being so damn oblivious. Your best friend is deteriorating in front of you, and what do you do? Criticize him for being broken. He knows, Ally- he knows exactly what you think of him. And trust me- it hasn't softened his perception of himself."

"Then shouldn't he be trying to _fix_ himself?"

"Healing takes time, Ally," I sigh. "Especially when you're trying to heal a self-harm addiction."

"Wait, heal a _what_?!"

"A self-harm addiction. Austin's a cutter. And it honestly doesn't surprise me. He needed _some_ way to deal with the bullshit we were giving him, and even though cutting is dangerous, it was his outlet. He's still doing it, but they're trying to wean him off. I know what they mean- an addiction can only be beaten if you take small steps. Quitting cold turkey would just put him in misery."

Ally stares at me blankly. She looks completely disgusted, which I find quite offending. Not to me, but to Austin. I'm so glad he's not hearing this conversation. "That's gross. Slicing your skin on purpose? Making yourself bleed on purpose? Disgusting. And even if he's miserable, at least he isn't threatening his life."

I glare at her, before finally gathering my words. When I speak, my tone is cold as ice. "Oh, yeah? There's this thing called suicide. If he were to quit cold turkey, it would get to him. He's been relying on a razor for a _while_, Ally. He'll do anything for it. It's like smoking or alcoholism. There's a high chance that Austin will commit suicide, if he can't have that blade. And they don't want to lose him."

"I still don't like- or trust them," Ally grumbles, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Why not, exactly?" I can't _wait_ to hear this. More bullshit that's not even true. Whoop de fucking doo.

"Because they're acting like assholes as well. It's _their_ fault he's all bitter and rude. They're influencing him."

"They're the reason he's fucking here. And Rocky filed for custody when Austin's parents got to be too much for him. They _saved_ him. They love him so much, and they treat him like an angel. He honestly looks very happy there, and I'm so glad he has them. They're much better than we've been."

* * *

Three weeks doesn't seem like a lot- after they pass. It's finally time for Austin to start physical therapy for his knee- and he's less than stoked for it.

"Do I _have_ to do this?" Austin whines. "I don't need fucking therapy, I can walk just fine on my own."

"Yeah, I'd love to see you try that," Ratliff snorts. "It's not gonna be that bad. I mean- what's the worst they can do to you?"

"Kill me."

"Austin," I sigh. "You need to stop thinking so morbidly. Therapy is _not_ gonna kill you- I can guarantee it. Now, come on, we're here." I park the car, and Rydel helps him out, handing him his crutches with a small smile. Rocky leans down to kiss his head, giving him a sympathetic smile. Austin mutters something in his ear, and our oldest brother chuckles, shaking his head. He flanks Austin, as we walk into the building.

"I don't wanna be here," Austin pouts, as we lower ourselves down into waiting room chairs. Ratliff went to sign him in, and smirking at the irritated boy. I have to hold back a laugh- I kinda feel bad for Austin, but his incessant pouting is making it hard to have _too_ much sympathy for him.

"I don't give a damn, you're still going through with it," Rocky replies smoothly. "We're only doing this because we love you."

"Yeah, and I'm starting to doubt how much you "love" me," Austin mumbles.

* * *

"Ow! That fucking hurts! Stop!"

The therapist releases Austin's leg, and he grabs for it, breathing heavily- tears streaking his cheeks and sweat beading on his forehead. It breaks my heart, because he looks like he's in so much pain, but I know this is good for him.

"You're almost done, love," I coo, trying to calm him down. He's distressed- working himself up into a right state. We're all trying our best to calm him, but it doesn't seem to be working- he's still breathing horridly and crying hard.

"I hate this," Austin whispers, his eyes sharp with obvious agony. "Can we go home?"

"No," I reply sadly. "You need to see if you can put weight on it- then stretch, and _then_ you're done- I promise."

"It hurts so bad. Make it stop hurting, Rik, please…"

"I'm sorry, love. I'm so sorry. We'll cuddle when we get home, okay? I promise…" It hurts so much to watch him deal with this agony, when all I can do is love him. All I can do is tell him that he's alright- tell him that it'll be over soon, and it _still_ doesn't feel like it's enough.

At least, I'm allowed to help him up. At first, he's leaning completely on me, but as I remove my weight, helping him to balance on his good leg, I can feel him getting weaker. Slowly, he lowers his injured leg to the ground, and as soon as his weight shifts, he cries out loudly, practically falling onto me.

"Riker, no. I can't. Please, I can't," he gasps, looking up at me with pleading eyes.

"It's okay, love. You did amazing. Now, we're just gonna stretch, okay? You're almost done, calm down."

"Hurts," Austin whimpers, as I lower him to the ground. His physical therapist shoots me a grateful glances, as she begins to stretch his leg out again. I can see him wince, and honestly, I'd love to shove the woman out of the way, and take him into my arms, but I know I can't do that.

Five minutes later, the torturous session ends, and the smile I give the woman- who has just caused my little brother tremendous pain- is fake and obviously plastered on. Without giving a damn to her instructions, I lift him into my arms and kiss his head, cradling him into my chest.

"It's okay, baby, you're okay. It's all over- you did fantastic."

* * *

"Alright guys, I'm gonna go pick up the food. Rydel's in charge. Austin, you rest. Don't get up for _any_ reason- if you need something, have one of these dorks get it for you. The rest of you, keep him from getting hurt, and don't be idiots. I'll be back in half an hour."

Rocky slams the door shut, and I sigh, settling back against a sleeping Riker's chest. "That was a hard therapy session…I don't wanna go back…"

"I know you don't, but it's only going to help you," Rydel reassures me. "I promise we're not trying to cause you pain- it's gonna hurt, and we're sorry about it."

"I hate it so much," I grumble. My knee is propped up on two pillows, still hurting from the stretching and twisting and weight-bearing.

"Think of it this way- you have a week without them!" Ratliff says optimistically, joining us on the bed.

"Yeah, and then I have to go back for more pain and more crying and I just hate life," I sigh.

"Yeah, life fucking sucks. But it's getting better, isn't it? We're slowly managing to recover, Trish is actually feeling remorse for what she's done, _and_ we got pulled outta school. Not to mention, you joined R5, which was a kickass decision," Ratliff summarizes, a bright smile on his face. He's so adorable when he's happy, like a little child.

"I guess so," I mumble, leaning my head back and letting it fall into the crook of Riker's neck. It's silent for a few minutes- Rydel has her head in the clouds, Ratliff's reading something on his phone, and I'm letting my thoughts wander.

How did I go from the confident, happy Austin Moon, to the mess I am now? How did I go from singing like it was my job, to cutting to release my emotions? How did I go from Austin Moon, the best actor that could fake a smile, to Austin Moon, the crybaby who wears his heart on his sleeve? How the _fuck_ did it happen?

The house phone rings, and I barely register Ratliff rising to his feet and rushing out of the room to answer it. I exhale a heavy breath, listening to Riker's steady heartbeat, and relishing the sound of his gentle breathing. It's calming- contrasting to the demons attacking my mind.

When Ratliff reenters, his face is pale- white as a sheet, and his hands are shaking. There's a haunted look in his eyes, and I can hear him breathing heavily.

"Ratliff?" I sit up straight, shaking Rydel, and she stares at him too. "What's wrong? Who was on the phone?"

"The hospital. Rocky was in a car accident."

* * *

**This is where everything starts to spiral out of control- the catalyst, you could say. It's gonna be intense from here on out- plot twist after plot twist, suspense, drama, and agony. Be prepared ;) Anyway- thoughts on the chapter? I'd love 50 reviews, if you guys can try for that :) Thanks so much for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	11. Chapter 10

**I love plot twists 8D Trigger warning- self-harm, depression, mentions of suicide.**

* * *

I can't breathe.

I can barely even process the words that have just slipped from Ratliff's lips. I glance up to make sure he's not playing a trick on us, and it's obvious that every word has been genuine. He's still shaking, and Rydel leads him over to the bed and sits him down, looking at him frantically.

"Details, now!" She says, giving his shoulders a slight shake.

Ratliff shakes his head, his teary eyes meeting her panicked ones. "There are none. We have to get to the hospital- they'll only tell us shit there. We need to wake Riker and go. He's in surgery right now, and they don't know how long it's supposed to take."

"Surgery?!" Rydel wails, tears pooling in her eyes.

I shake Riker harshly, startling him out of sleep. He blinks, staring at me. "The hell?"

"You need to drive us to the hospital," I whisper, my vision blurring and distorting from the liquid welling up in my eyes.

"Drive you to the _where_?!" Riker stares at me, fully awake now. His eyes are wide with panic, as he glances at Rydel and Ratliff for answers as well. "What the _fuck_ happened?"

Ratliff swallows hard, refusing to meet his brother's gaze. "Rocky was in a car accident. I just got the call- he's in surgery. We need to go."

"Fucking...what the _hell_ happened?!"

"We don't know!" Rydel exclaims. "But that's why we need to go! I don't feel comfortable driving, you need to take us."

Riker shakes his head to clear it, before looking at me. "Someone needs to stay here with Austin. I don't know if he should come- his knee…"

"That's fucking bullshit," I say immediately. "My knee's fine- and Rocky's my brother too. I'm coming, whether you like it or not."

"Alright," Riker says dazedly. "Into the car, come on, let's go."

_Please be okay, Rocky. We need you to be okay. You're what's holding us together right now. We'll fall apart without you…_

* * *

"He's still in surgery."

Ratliff sighs, slumping back into his seat. "Why can't they tell us anything other than that?!"

"Because maybe that's all they fucking have," Rydel grumbles back.

"Both of you, stop it." I brush a hand over my face, pulling Austin closer. "He's gonna be fine- you guys need to relax. We'll have information soon enough." I watch sadly, as Ratliff pulls Rydel onto his lap, and whispers something into her ear. A small smile peaks at her lips, and she nods slightly, leaning down to kiss his cheek and ruffle his hair.

My words are empty. In all honesty- I'm absolutely fucking terrified, and on the edge of having a goddamn panic attack. I need to cut- the stress level is rising higher and higher, because I'm the one in charge. I'm the one that has to reassure them that Rocky's gonna be okay, when I don't fucking know if he will.

I'm about to rip my hair out- anything that will cause me pain works for right now. I just can't do this. I can't sit in a fucking hospital waiting room, wondering whether my older brother- the reason I haven't slit my wrists in two months- is alive or not. I cannot do it.

Austin is crying against my chest, and the comfort I'm muttering to him is fake. I hate lying to him. I hate lying to my siblings, but there's nothing I can do. It's not like I can tell them that I don't have the answer. They look up to me, and they expect me to stay positive for them. It's the least I can do- their brother is in an operating room, for god's sake.

* * *

"Alright, you ready to go?"

Ally nods slightly, clutching her injured hand to her chest. She cut her hand while trying to chop vegetables, and asked me to come to the hospital with her. I lead her out of the examining room, and back into the waiting room, but what catches my eye- makes me stop short in my tracks.

Austin is here. And so are Riker, Ratliff, and Rydel. But what freezes me, is how hard Austin is sobbing. He's buried in Riker's chest, and I can hear his choked cries from here. I wonder- where the hell is Rocky, and more importantly- what the _fuck_ happened?

"Ally, come with me, and don't say one fucking word," I warn, my tone even, as we approach.

"Guys? Is Austin okay? What's going on…?" I ask, glancing first at Riker.

"I can't…I need some air…" Ratliff mutters lowly. He rises to his feet, pulling on Rydel's hand. "Come with me. I need you to make sure I don't…y'know…"

Rydel nods immediately. She leans over to whisper something in Riker's ear, before kissing his cheek, and allowing Ratliff to pull her away.

"What was that?" Ally asks. I glare at her, shaking my head vigorously. We need to tread lightly on this. It's the only way to earn trust from them.

"Nothing," Riker says tightly. He glances at me, sighing heavily. "Rocky's in the hospital. Car accident. He's in surgery and we're a mess. If you wanna stay, that's fine- it would actually be a big help to me, but she can't. Please, Austin can't handle anything right now, and if she's here, all she's going to do is provoke him."

"Excuse me?" Ally's tone is high and haughty, and I can see Riker wince, as he brings Austin closer to his chest. Truthfully, he doesn't look so great himself. I feel bad for him- he's trying his best to hold his siblings together, when he wants to just break down in tears. He looks fucking exhausted.

Austin lets out a heaving sob, and lifts his face. I cringe at the sight- his face is red, blotchy with tears. His eyes are bloodshot and watering, along with his quivering lip, and the fact that I can see him trembling- his entire appearance is quite alarming to me.

Riker shoots me a pleading glance, coaxing Austin to bury his face back in his chest, and I sigh, turning to Ally. "Go home without me. I need to stay here."

"Then I'm staying too," Ally says firmly.

"You are not," I reply. "Austin doesn't need you being a bitch right now. His brother is in surgery- and your negativity isn't fucking appreciated. Go home and be a bitch all you want, but Austin can't handle you being here right now."

* * *

"Rocky Lynch?"

It's like someone dropped a bomb- we're all alert in that instant. The doctor walks over, his expression grim. I can see some spots of blood on his coat, and I already know that this is going to be far from good. I just need to know what's wrong with Rocky.

"I'm Josh Simmons. I operated on Rocky." I rise to my feet and shake his outstretched hand, forcing a smile to my face. Ratliff and Rydel stand beside me, and I can hear Ratliff telling Austin not to move.

"Rocky was in pretty bad shape when he was brought in. He was bleeding badly from his head- and that is our biggest concern. His skull is cracked, and we're suspecting brain damage. A drunk driver ran a red light and slammed into his car- he's very lucky not to have died. His left leg is broken- a fracture in his tibia. We set it and casted it- along with his right arm- he sustained a hairline fracture in his radius. There was some internal bleeding, which we did take care of- along with four broken ribs, and the collapse of one of his lungs- he isn't breathing on his own at the moment. However- we've patched everything up- the only thing, is- he's in a coma."

* * *

"Oh my fucking _god_…"

"Rocky…shit…"

It feels like I've been dunked in a pool of frigid water, when I first lay eyes on my oldest brother. He's so pale- so lifeless. A hospital gown is covering his thin frame, there are bandages wrapped around his head, and his left arm is casted and held to his chest. I can't see his leg, because of the blanket, but I imagine there's a large, thick cast around it as well. Tubes and wires are there, wherever I look.

The artificial breathing is the only sound in the room- and it's making me nauseous. The thought of a respirator being the only thing keeping Rocky alive is making me physically sick, and I'm so thankful I have crutches to hold me up, because otherwise, I think I'd probably pass out.

He looks horrible, and I just don't understand what we did to deserve this. Everything was starting to look up, and then it had to turn to shit again. I just don't fucking get it.

"He's gonna be okay," Riker whispers. I can see the tears pooling in his eyes, but he's forcing himself to contain it. Normally, I'd be against that, but he's the only reason I'm not going straight for my blade, so I need him to stay strong. I need him to stay strong for me.

Riker needs to stay strong for all of us, because right now- we can't do anything without him.

* * *

**I bet you all hate me now, right? Lol, I kinda expected it. Rocky's coma is gonna have a _major_ impact on the story- and you know with me, everything happens for a reason. So this coma isn't just to get him outta the story for a bit, there's a reason. And you've already gotten hints in this chapter. Trust me- next chapter's gonna be much worse. Let's just say...Ally pushes Austin too far...and shit happens...if you want it, review! I'd love 60 reviews, that'd make the chapter appear much faster tomorrow :) Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	12. Chapter 11

**Trigger warning- self-harm, depression, and suicide. Also- I cursed a _lot_ in this chapter, warning you now.**

* * *

Cutting feels so fucking good after three days clean.

Pressing the blade to my wrist and sliding it down until I see the crimson liquid that always seems to calm me down. It brings back memories of before I met my siblings- brings back memories of how bad I got, how much pain I was in, etc. I don't know if the pain I feel right now is worse than that. It's gruesome and disgusting, but I don't really care. Rocky is in a coma and I can't figure out any other way to release pain.

Yeah, I fucking relapsed. Shoot me, why don't you? Or how about you take my place? How about you imagine yourself on crutches, after having knee surgery, learning that your brother is in a coma? Rocky is one of the reasons I'm alive right now, and I can't live without him. He's not fucking breathing on his own, and all I can do is cut, and cry, and feel sorry for myself. Because that's all I am- a sorry mess.

My heart hurts, and it feels like it's physical pain. The pain in my chest is unbearable, and I feel it with every step I take. It makes me nauseous, and I just don't know why I feel so horrible. I'm not ill- it's just the pain of Rocky's accident, Ratliff's suicide attempt, Rydel's possible relapse with anorexia and Riker's persistence that he's fine. They're all falling apart, and I firmly believe that it's my fault.

They were fine, before I entered their lives. They were recovering, helping each other to heal from the horrors of their pasts- and then I showed up, the suicidal, cutting mess that I am- and it set them all off again. I was the catalyst, and it's my fault that they're falling. It's probably my fault that Rocky ended up in an accident, as well. He was going to get food for us, and if I hadn't had physical therapy, one of our siblings probably could've gone with him, and helped him to avoid the accident.

I sound crazy and irrational, and you can judge me all you want, but I firmly believe that I'm the cause of all this. The pain it's afflicting on me is horrendous, and it's the reason I've almost cut until I hit bone, for the past day or so.

* * *

I slump against the hospital waiting room chair, closing my eyes tiredly. Ratliff and Rydel are visiting Rocky, while Riker went out to get something for us to eat, and to grab some stuff from home for us- because none of us plan to leave the hospital. We're staying until Rocky wakes up- no matter what the nurses and/or doctors have to say about it.

"Austin?"

I glance up, and groan loudly. Ally is standing in front of me, her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes narrowed. I'm in no mood to deal with her right now. I couldn't handle being in Rocky's hospital room anymore- it was getting too hard for me to handle. I told Ratliff and Rydel that I'd be fine on my own, and so far, it's worked out for me.

"I'm not in the fucking mood, Ally," I grumble.

"God, do you _have_ to be so damn bitter all the time? Why would anyone _want_ to talk to you, if all you do is curse and be rude to them?" Ally stares at me, and my eyes widen. I think I have a fucking right to be pissy right now- considering what's gone on in the past few days. I'm not in the mood to be messed with, and she should _know_ that- I've reiterated it for long enough.

"I just wanted to talk to you, jeez," Ally mutters. "I have a few things to say. And plus- you let _Trish_ talk to you. Hell, your brothers allowed her to stay yesterday, while _I_ had to go home, because apparently _you_ couldn't handle me. Wanna tell me what the fuck's up with that?"

"I was a sobbing mess. I was crying into Riker's chest the entire time. Isn't it fucking _obvious_?" I scoff, shifting a bit, so I can rest my leg on the chair next to me.

"But why do you tell people that I'm such a bitch- I'm going to set you off?! Why are you talking _shit_ about me?!"

I roll my eyes. "I haven't told anyone _anything_. I think your actions in the past _week_- speak for themselves. You need to look back on what you've done, and tell me _then_, why people think so badly of you? I have had _nothing_ to do with it."

"Well, you seem to love telling people that they're fucking assholes. Like you did to my _boyfriend_." Ally smirks at me, and I sigh. Does she _need_ to bring that up again? I'm not in the mood to explain myself- _again_.

"For the _last_ fucking time," I growl. "I was trying to _protect_ you."

"Well, you obviously didn't need to. Dallas is a amazing boyfriend, and I'm happier with him than I ever would've been, with _you_."

"That's fucking wonderful," I spit back. "I'm not romantically interested in _anyone_. I don't have feelings for you. I did once- and I regret it. I don't think I could've _ever_ gone out with someone like you."

Ally's face changes. "Shut the _hell_ up. I'm an amazing girlfriend, and you _know_ it."

"I don't think I do, considering I've never _dated_ you. I don't fucking _want _to, either. You need to stop butting into my life, because it's obvious that our friendship is in fucking shambles, and it'll never be fixed. You've hurt me so many times, and I don't think I can be friends with you again, considering what you've done to me." I sigh heavily, rubbing a hand over my eyes. "Go away- _please_. I'm trying to hold myself together, and you are _not_ making it any fucking easier."

"Oh, god fucking forbid, Austin Moon shows weakness. Why don't you just slice your arm open, like you always do to relieve pain? Or better yet, slice it down the middle, and hope you bleed out."

"Stop it. Stop it right fucking now, you're triggering me, and you need to shut the fuck up," I force out, squeezing my eyes shut, and clenching my fists. She's making my need for the blade much worse, and I can tell that I'm about to burst into tears, because I need it, and I can't have it, and I just don't know what to fucking do. I'm a mess and I'm damaged and I don't understand why she has to keep _doing_ this to me.

"Triggering you? The hell does that mean? All I'm saying is that you should go through with your _normal_ way of dealing with things, and just slice your entire fucking arm open. Personally, that's fucking disgusting, and I don't understand how something like _blood_ could calm you down, but that's just me."

My mind is taking over. The mental images she introduced to my head are taking over, attacking me and reminding me of how much I need to cut. She needs to fucking shut her mouth, because I'm about to pull out my blade right here, and start cutting into my flesh. I'm that far gone.

"Shut the fucking _hell_ up, I'm fucking serious. You're triggering me, and I _need _you to stop. If you were ever my friend, you will." In desperation, I have to say whatever I can to make her stop. She's pushing me too far, and I know I'm about to break.

"Goddammit, why are you so on edge right now? You're pale as all hell."

"My brother is in a fucking _coma_, and all you're doing is triggering me! You _know_ I'm trying to deal with my cutting addiction, yet you _still_ do this! I don't fucking _get it_, but I'm done! Stop trying to _ruin_ my fucking life! Just _stop_!"

I've hit my breaking point. The sobs tear my throat before I can stop them, and I squeeze my eyes shut, hanging my head so Ally doesn't see me cry. I'm breathing hard, wheezing as I try to calm myself down. I can't handle this- she's pushed me too fucking far, and everything that's happened in the past few days has definitely pushed me off the edge.

* * *

When I rush into the hospital, my jaw drops at the sight that greets me.

Ally is standing in front of Austin, smirking at him, while he's curled into a ball, shaking and crying. My first thought is to kill her, but my brother's wellbeing is far more important to me.

"What the _fuck_ did you _do_?!" I exclaim, crossing the floor in two strides, and lifting Austin into my arms. I uncurl his body and cradle him into my chest, allowing him to sob into my neck, his tears soaking into my skin.

"Riker," Austin gasps, wheezing heavily against me.

I shake my head and shush him. "No, no, shhhh. Calm down, you're working yourself up into a bad panic attack." I turn back to Ally, shooting her a death glare.

"I didn't do anything. He freaked out."

"I call fucking bullshit. You obviously said _something_, because this is the _worst _I've ever seen him. So, let me ask you again- what the _fuck_ did you do to him?"

"I apparently_ '_triggered him'," Ally replies snarkily. "Not that I know what that means."

"God fucking dammit, Ally, do you _have_ to do this all the time?! Why can't you leave him _alone_?! He's enough of a mess- without your bitchiness!"

Austin wheezes, coughing and choking from all the crying he's been doing. I hug him tighter, pressing him closer into my chest. "You're okay, you need to calm down, shhhh, love…"

"Need…razor…" he chokes out.

"No, no you don't, hush, it's okay. I gotcha, I love you, you're fine, calm down." He's in the middle of a horrible panic attack, barely able to breathe, coughing and choking on breaths.

"He's an asshole," Ally grumbles. "And an overreacting dickhead. I didn't even do anything- _he's _the one that freaked the fuck out. Good luck with him- don't go calling me, if you realize truly how hard he is to handle."

* * *

**Thoughts? It may seem hopeless for Austin and Ally, but I've got a plan, I promise :) Reviews would be lovely- you'll get the next chapter sooner!**


	13. Chapter 12

**Trigger warning- panic disorder and mentions of self-harm/suicide. Also- important author's note at the end- please read it!**

* * *

"How is he?"

"Shaken. Really shaken. God…I don't know what possessed her to _do_ that…she destroyed him…"

I sigh, running my fingers through Austin's hair, as he sleeps on, against my chest. He cried himself into sleep- the signs of his panic attack are blatantly obvious. He had a _really_ bad panic attack, and the poor kid is fucking _exhausted_.

"Would it be wrong if I cursed her the fuck out?" Ratliff grumbles. "She's not allowed to keep fucking _doing_ this. Austin's enough of a mess, without her damaging him even more. If you hadn't showed up when you did, he may've even passed out from lack of oxygen- because he was panicking so badly, and Ally needs to realize that."

"Normally, I'd say not to, but go ahead," I reply. "She deserves it."

Ratliff grins. "Sweet. I'll be back. I'm gonna go see if I can find that bitch. She needs to be taught a lesson."

"I better go with him. Make sure he doesn't kill the girl," Rydel grumbles. "Though she _does _deserve it…"

"I'll be back soon. There's no change in Rocky- I wouldn't take Austin in there. He was with us, and then he freaked, and decided to come out to the waiting room. He wouldn't let us come with him- and he got…ambushed…"

"Yeah," I reply, as Rydel leans down to kiss my cheek. "Love you, Ry. Thanks."

"No problem, Rik," she replies. "I can see through your act, no matter how hard you try to make yourself seem fine. You're a mess. I'll take care of Ratliff- you just worry about Austin, okay? You're going to crack under the pressure, if you try and take Rocky's reigns."

I sigh. She does know me more than anyone else. "I guess you're right."

"I'm _always_ right," she smirks. "Now, I better catch up with Ratliff, before he turns this hospital upside down in his search."

* * *

I walk into Rocky's hospital- albeit a little nervously. I don't know if they trust me enough to allow me into their brother's hospital room. However- when I get there, the sight that greets me sends my stomach rolling.

Riker is cradling Austin into his chest- but what alarms me is the state of the younger boy. Austin's face is red, blotchy, and streaked with tears. The rest of his body is pale, and I can see red scratch marks on Riker's neck- obvious, Austin was in a distressed state before he fell asleep. Just…what the _hell_ happened?!

"Riker? What the _fuck_ happened?!"

Riker lifts his head and looks at me. "Why don't you go ask your friend _Ally_?" His tone is sarcastic, holding heavy hints of exhaustion and anger.

"What did she _do_?"

"She triggered him so badly- he had one of the worst panic attacks ever. The lines on my neck are from him scratching me, begging for a razor blade. She triggered him _that_ badly. He relies on it- and if he's triggered, that takes over his mind. He told her to stop, told her to shut the hell up, but she didn't listen. She pushed farther, and farther, and farther, until he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't _breathe_, Trish. The panic attack Ally triggered him into was so bad- that if I hadn't shown up when I did- he would've passed out from lack of oxygen."

"Oh my fucking _god_…I had no _idea_…" I hold a hand up to my mouth, staring at him. I can't believe Ally did that…she had no fucking right. She broke him- and it's stirring up absolute rage in me.

"Ratliff went to find her. He's gonna have a talk with her- Rydel is too. I don't care whether you think it justified or not- she needs to know that doing shit like this is so far from okay. Austin couldn't _breathe_."

"I'll talk to her too," I mutter. "She deserves to see the horrors of what her words can do to a person. It's not right."

"It really isn't," Riker agrees. "And I'm fucking terrified that- because of this- I'm gonna have to see another one of my brothers- unconscious- in a hospital bed."

* * *

"Hey, you. We need to talk."

I find Ally in the waiting room, texting someone with a small smile on her face. I'd love to wash that damn smirk from her lips- she's probably fucking _proud _of what she did to Austin, and the mere though disgusts me.

"What do _you_ want?" She looks up at me boredly, and I grumble to myself. She better not give me the same bullshit she gave Austin- I'll just take it and shove it right up her ass.

"What the _fuck_ is your fucking _problem_?!" I mutter darkly. "What was the need to do that to Austin?"

"He's an asshole- he got what he deserved," Ally replies matter-of-factly.

"What _does_ he deserve, Ally? To be triggered into a panic attack? An add on to all the pain he's had to suffer through? More weight piled on his shoulders? Tell me, _what_ has he _done_ to deserve all this? What the _fuck_ do you have against him?"

"I'm not justifying myself to you." At this, Rydel rolls her eyes, and steps in front of me.

"You are going to tell us what the _hell_ you want from Austin- because I swear to fucking god- if you ever do something like this to him again, you are going to _regret_ it. And I mean every word."

"I don't care. He needs to apologize for being a rude, bitter asshole to me, and then I'll start being nicer. I need the old Austin back- this one is a fucking dick."

"And you only have yourself to thank for that," I say firmly. "You're the one that damaged him- you're the one that broke him into pieces. You're the reason he's like this- and you say you want the old one _back_? Well, people can't magically fix themselves according to your wishes- your fucking _majesty. _Everything doesn't always go the way you want it damaged him- it'll take him a lot longer than a day to heal from it."

* * *

I wake in Riker's arms- the exact place I went to sleep.

My heart hurts like a bitch, and as it all comes rushing back- the fight with Ally, the panic attack, crying myself to sleep, I feel myself start to convulse again. I'm still not exactly calmed down from what happened.

"Aus, it's okay, I've got you. You're fine, baby. How do you feel?" Riker coos, leaning down to kiss my forehead, secretly checking for fever- I can see it in his eyes.

"Head hurts," I croak, wincing at the pain in my throat.

"Yeah, you lost oxygen flow to your brain for a bit, while you had that panic attack, and you cried and screamed yourself hoarse. You need to let your body rest for a bit- that was a really bad panic attack."

"M'sorry," I rasp. "Scared you. And your neck…"

"No, don't even think about that, Aus. You weren't in a right mental state- you had no idea what you were doing. And I prefer you hurting me, than hurting yourself. That was withdrawal, combined with a bad panic attack and respiratory problems."

"Hurt me…why does she keep-"

I cut myself off, coughing harshly with a hand pressed to my throat. Riker sighs and shakes his head, pulling out his phone and pressing it into my hand.

"Type it out. Rest your voice- you'll lose it, at this rate."

I nod, opening the notepad app, and typing out what I want to say.

_Why does she feel the need to hurt me so badly? She was triggering me and she knew it, and I just don't know what to do anymore. It hurts so much, Rik, and I'm so close to killing myself._

"Oh, baby…" Riker exhales a heavy breath. "She's a bitch. And you can't think that way- we all need you, and life is going to go back to normal soon, you'll see. Rocky is going to be fine, Aus. I promise you- he's not going anywhere."

_How do you know for sure? He's in a fucking coma- he could die. His heart could stop- he could go brain dead…the possibilities are endless!_

"Because I know my brother," Riker mutters. "He survived jumping off a roof- he was in a coma then, too. He survived that- there's no reason he won't survive this. He's strong, Austin. A fucking fighter. He wouldn't give up on us that easily."

_I just want Rocky, Rik. I want him to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I want Rocky._

"Austin…I'm so sorry, love. If I could bring him back, there's no question- I would. But we just have to wait for him to wake up. He's coming back to us- I promise. His body is just taking its time in healing itself."

_What if the brain damage is severe enough that he doesn't remember us? He doesn't remember adopting me? He'll toss me out onto the streets and I'll die without you guys because you are my lifeline right now and if it weren't for the love you guys are giving me, I'd be dead in a matter of minutes._

"Austin," Riker says firmly. "No matter _what_ happens to Rocky- I can _guarantee_ you that you are not leaving us. We wouldn't _dare_ toss you into the streets- you can stop worrying about that, because I swear on my life- it will _not_ happen."

_Ally's right. You'll see how damaged I am eventually, and you'll all be off and running. You don't know everything about me- you don't know how messed up and broken I've become. I'm much more of a mess- much more than any of you know…_

"We love you unconditionally, Aus," Riker replies. "Always have, and always will. Your past doesn't matter to us- we're not the kind of people to judge you based upon it. You'll always be the epitome of perfect, in our eyes, and we're gonna do our best to help you realize it. I know you've been broken in the past, but all that's broken can be fixed. And we're gonna do our best to fix you."

_Riker…I…I was raped…_

* * *

**Ah, yes. Hello again, plot twist. Nice to see you. Keep in mind- I haven't exactly told you the details of Austin's backstory, and this is where it starts to unravel. He's been hiding a dark, painful secret for so long- and this is it. Thoughts on that? On the chapter? **

**Also, another thing. The Auslly reconciliation...would you _like_ that to even happen? Because I am absolutely fine with making Ally an utter bitch and having her that way for the rest of this story- and making the story into an R5/Austin centric. It wouldn't bother me, though I _do_ have a way for them to make up. Right now, it doesn't seem likely, and some readers are completely pissed at Ally and don't think she can redeem herself. So, thoughts on that?**

**Anyway- I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and thank you for reading.**

**-Neha**


	14. Chapter 13

**Trigger warning- suicide, depression, and self-harm. Also- this chapter is a bit shorter than normal- but I ended it where I did for a reason. Enjoy.**

* * *

It feels like all the air is knocked out of my body.

I cannot believe what Austin's just told me. I can't believe it. He was…raped…? Someone took every last bit of innocence he had? How is this fucking possible…? He's so vulnerable and innocent- but he's been hiding such a dark, deep, and painful secret for so long. The burden must've weighed down hard on his shoulders- I can't even imagine how hard that was for him to keep to himself.

Austin stares at me pleadingly, his eyes watery. I can feel him shaking- he's terrified that I'm going to leave. That this is going to repulse me- and I'm just going to get up and leave him. I wouldn't _dare_- but he's been abandoned so many times in the past, that his assumption is- everyone will leave at some point.

"Oh, Austin…" I whisper, leaning down to kiss his head. "I can't believe that happened to you, love…do you want to talk about it? Will it make you uncomfortable to tell me what happened?"

Austin nods slightly. "Can't. Not yet. Just hold me? Hold me, and please don't let me go…please…" His voice is rough from disuse, and it makes me wince. He might be getting strep- but it's more probable that he'll lose his voice. Screaming does that.

"I will _never_ let you go, Austin. I promise."

* * *

"So, is he getting any better? It's been two weeks…"

I glance at the doctor nervously, pulling Ratliff closer to me. Riker tightens his grip on Austin- four pairs of eyes staring at the elder man in front of us.

Doctor Simmons looks up from his clipboard- a few moments pass, before a smile begins to grace his face. "He is, indeed. Rocky _is_ breathing on his own. We've see signs of brain activity- which is a signifier that he'll wake up soon. He's on the road to recovery- his lung is almost healed- his skull is also on the mend. He'll be in casts for another two to four weeks, however."

A feeling of warmth rushes through me, and I smile, turning to face Ratliff. "He's gonna be okay," I repeat the doctor's words, pulling my younger brother close to my body, and leaning down to drop a kiss on his head.

Out of my peripheral vision, I can see Riker whispering something in Austin's ear, cradling him gently. Austin's mental health is concerning- he's been _attached_ to Riker- and he hasn't said much about what happened. In my eyes, there's something Riker knows about him- something he has neglected to tell us.

Sighing, I pull away from Ratliff and glance down at him. "Something's wrong with Austin, Ell. Something bad. Riker knows what it is, but he won't tell us anything."

Ratliff is silent for a moment, turning his head to glance at brothers. "Maybe he's not ready. If it's affecting him that much, it must be horrid, and I don't think Austin's in any kind of position to be blurting it out to all of us. Just give 'em some time."

"I guess you're right," I say reluctantly. "Come on, let's run back home for a bit. You need to take your meds, and I wanna get my laptop."

Ratliff groans. "Do I _need_ to take those goddamn things?"

"Yes," I reply firmly. "End of discussion."

"You're a bitch, Ry," he complains, leaning his head on my shoulder.

I chuckle. "And you're just figuring that out?"

* * *

"I don't know what the _fuck_ got into you, but I swear to fucking _god_, Ally…"

I stare at her, crossing my arms over my chest and glaring at her. She refuses to meet my gaze, and I don't know why. If she's regretting this now- why the _fuck_ did she do that to Austin in the first place?

"I don't know- I just got angry… He was just pissing me off with his goddamn attitude, and I snapped."

My eyes widen. "_Attitude_?! His brother is in a fucking coma, he's fucking suicidal, and he's barely able to keep himself from cutting! He's on crutches, and it's obvious that his knee is fucking hurting! What kind of fucking attitude do you think he _has_? And not to mention- you can't take your anger out on him. Do you not _know_ how sensitive he is?!"

"Stop yelling at me," Ally grumbles. "I know I fucked up. You don't need to be the third fucking person to say it."

"Well obviously- I do have to be," I reply. "You destroyed Austin. He was doing okay- until you triggered him into one of the worst panic attacks he's ever had. The kid could not fucking _breathe_. He was in full-blown panic attack mode when Riker showed up, and I could see the red scratch marks that Austin left on his neck. He was completely freaking out, Ally! Doesn't that mean_ anything_ to you?!"

"He's not the same Austin. He's not the best friend I once knew. That person is not Austin. He doesn't matter to me. Austin is cool, confident, happy, and my best friend. This Austin is a suicidal, depressed, crying mess."

* * *

Trembling violently, I lay against Riker's chest- eyes closed. The sound of his heartbeat is calming, and the steady rise and fall of his chest calms me. I don't think he's asleep- but we're not talking- we're just sitting here and thinking.

Some of you may call me a baby, but I've been through a lot in my life. I've seen so much pain and felt things that no fifteen year old should have to feel. I don't know how to handle myself. Breaking down in Riker's arms is my only source of comfort- because he won't let him out of his sight to cut. I need my blade, but he won't let me have it, and that's just making the withdrawal so much worse.

I just…I still can't believe I told Riker that. I can't believe I confessed my biggest secret to him- I didn't mean to. It just came out- my thoughts caught up with each other, and it was like my fingers were moving on their own. I don't know why I said it- but I just regret it. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to know that I'm dirty.

I'm dirty and used and just plain disgusting. Some man took away my innocence, and I'm never getting it back. I just don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live with my dirty, disgusting body, and my terrorizing mind. I don't want to live, breathe, or think anymore. I just want to be done with it- I don't think I'm cut out for this, nor can I take it anymore.

I sigh, cuddling closer to Riker and holding back a whimper. It catches in my throat, and creates a horrid sound. Riker sits up straighter, and cradles me in his arms, glancing at me worriedly.

"You okay?"

"Hurts," I mutter hoarsely, turning my head, so my face is pressed against his chest. I can hear his heartbeat under my ear, and that's basically the only thing keeping me sane. It's constant- and I need a constant thing in my life.

"What hurts, love?"

"Everything," I whimper. "I need help."

"I know you do. Everything is gonna be alright, Aus. I promise- Rocky's doing better, and he'll wake up soon, and we can have our happy family back. Well, not really happy, but still our family. Everything will be fine."

"No," I sigh. "When it all becomes okay again, something goes wrong, and we're left trying to pick up the pieces. I can't keep doing this, Rik. I can't pick up my pieces all the time- I'm so broken- in so many shards, and I don't think I can be put together again."

"By yourself, no," Riker agrees. "But you have us. You have Rydel, and Ratliff, and Rocky, and me. You have us- and we're going to do anything in our power to help you get through this. We helped each other- we're able to get through the day without losing all sanity, and soon, you'll be able to, too."

"It won't be enough. I'll be broken forever. It just hurts and I'm so tired and I want this all to go away, Rik. Make it stop…"

"Oh, Aus…" Riker sighs, leaning down to kiss the crown of my head. "I love you. And you're gonna be okay. It's late, get some rest, yeah? I won't leave you."

"Yeah you will. Everyone does. I'm just gonna die alone and broken."

* * *

Another week passes.

Rocky hasn't woken up yet- and it elicits so much fear in me. I promised Austin he would. I promised Austin that everything would be okay. I promised my younger siblings that Rocky would be fine.

I run a hand through Austin's short blonde hair, as he lies lazily against me. Rydel has her head on my shoulder, and Ratliff's head is in her lap, as she plays with his hair casually, occasionally leaning down to kiss his hair gently. It's affectionate, but we need comfort right now. The person that holds us together is lying unconscious in a hospital bed- and we're all falling apart without him.

"Guys?" Doctor Simmons strides over to us- clipboard clad. "I have some news on Rocky's condition."

* * *

**Thoughts? I'm still looking for insight on the whole Auslly reconciliation. Reviews would be lovely- 80 reviews would make me so happy. Thank you guys so much for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	15. Chapter 14

**Trigger warning- self-harm, depression, suicide, mentions of schizophrenia and anorexia**

* * *

At Doctor Simmons' words, I sit straight up, feeling Riker's arms tighten around my abdomen. I'm sitting on his lap- Rydel's head is on his shoulder, and Ratliff- who's head was previously in Rydel's lap- sits up, leaning against her.

"What is it?" Riker asks- and I can hear the shakiness of his voice. This can't be horrible news- I don't think we could take it.

"He's awake."

My eyes widen. A feeling of relief combined with a burst of emotions crashes into me, and the force is enough to make me slump into Riker's chest, closing my eyes briefly. I can feel him shaking as well- and hear him speaking in an excited, elated voice, to Ratliff and Rydel.

I finally lift my head, turning to face Riker. He grins and me, and I hug him tightly. "He's awake," I breathe. "He's fucking awake."

"I know," Riker replies. "Let's go see him."

* * *

"One at a time," Ratliff insists, as we stop outside of Rocky's room. "We should all get to spend time with him individually. He's been in a coma for three goddamn weeks."

"Alright," I murmur. "I'll go in first, then Austin, and you two can decide amongst yourselves who's going first."

Without waiting for an answer, I glance back to make sure Ratliff is still pressing close to Austin- making sure our youngest brother doesn't fall- before pushing open the door and stepping inside.

My heart swells at what I see. Rocky is sitting up in bed, one of his arms in a sling- and his left leg propped up on two pillows. But the bandages around his head are gone, and as I enter- he looks at me, breaking into a wide smile. "Riker…"

"Oh my god, Rocky…you scared me so bad…so fucking badly…" I whisper, stepping up to his beside.

He sighs. "I know. And I have no fucking clue what happened, but my head hurts like a bitch. I do know that you worked your ass off these three weeks, trying to hold the others together- while managing not to relapse yourself, and god, Riker…I am so proud of you. Come here."

I waste no time, climbing onto the bed next to him and burying my face in his shoulder. The rise and fall of his chest- his steady heartbeat- both are music to my ears, as I swallow hard and try to regain my composure. I feel him lean down to kiss my hair gently, and I sigh, hugging him tighter. I need to be close to him- I need to know that he's actually _here_, and he isn't going anywhere.

"You can't leave me like that," I scold shakily, my throat beginning to close up. "You can't do that to me. It's not fucking fair. It hurt so much, and I couldn't break because I had to be strong for them and Austin…oh god, Austin…"

"Riker," Rocky says, his eyes serious. "What happened to Austin?"

"Ally triggered him into one of the worst panic attacks ever, a week ago. He couldn't breathe and he would've passed out if I hadn't gotten there in time. He's still so badly shaken, he hasn't left my arms ever since…it's been so hard, you have no idea…he told me something…and he's so broken, there's something he's hiding that damaged him so badly and I just…" I'm rambling, and I don't even know if Rocky can process my words, but I can't do anything else. I'm overcome with emotion, and my words are tumbling out faster than I can stop them.

"Fuck…" Rocky mutters. I'm still pressed to his chest, breathing in his scent like it's pure oxygen. I've missed his presence for three weeks, and he's the only one that I can break in front of. I know that I'm safe with him.

"I'm okay, Rik. Calm down, you're working yourself up. I'm okay, I'm right here," Rocky murmurs, using his good hand to rub my back.

"You're _not_ okay, Rocky! You're injured and we're fucked up and you can't do that! You can't fucking do that to me! I'm not strong enough to fill your shoes, you fucking know that, you fucking bastard!" I sob, hitting his chest for emphasis. "I fucking _hate _you!"

"I know," Rocky mutters. "I know. But I'm here now. And I'm going to fix this. You need to take a break, Rik. I assume Ratliff and Rydel are taking care of Austin now, yeah?"

I nod silently. "Okay, then I want you to leave this room, go get your headphones, and take a walk. Plug your headphones into your phone, blast your music, and go for a walk. Do this because I'm telling you to. Riker, you need a break from life. You need to go calm yourself down- this isn't healthy. I'm gonna talk to Austin, Ratliff, and Rydel, okay? Don't worry about anything."

I lift my head, eyes pleading. "You sure?"

He nods, his eyes baring unwavering promise. "Positive."

* * *

"You'll be okay, right?"

I nod, as Rydel pushes open the door to Rocky's hospital room. Sighing, I hobble into the room, keeping my head down. I don't want to get my hopes up, and then have them shattered when I actually see Rocky.

"Hey, Aus. Come here, love." At the sound of his voice, my head snaps up, eyes going wide. He looks relatively normal, except for the injuries, smiling at me and beckoning me with his good arm.

"Rocky?" I whisper, my voice cracking painfully, as I limp over to him. The sound causes worry- as concern washes over his face.

"Oh, baby…what have they done to you…?" Rocky manages to lift me onto the bed with one arm, immediately pressing a kiss to my head, as I bury my face in his chest.

"Hurt me. I'm so done with life, Rocky…it hurts so much and I just can't do it. I needed you and you were gone and I just can't," I choke out, my words jumbling together and not sounding at all like full sentences.

"Shhhh. I know, love, I know. I've got you, it's okay." Rocky runs a hand through my hair, leaning down to kiss my forehead. "I'm so sorry, Aus. I'm so sorry that happened. I'm so sorry for what Ally did, but it's okay now. I'm here now."

"Don't leave me again," I beg, lifting my head to look him in the eye. "Please it hurts I got so bad…so suicidal…"

"Hush. You need to calm down, you're panicking, love. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I'm gonna keep you safe. Why don't you rest a bit? You look exhausted…"

I shake my head immediately. "N-no…don't wanna leave you…"

"You can sleep right here- it's fine, love. You just need to calm down."

I sigh, nodding slightly, and placing my head back on his chest. He releases a loud breath, and rubs my back gently, whispering into my ear. "Ratliff and Rydel are gonna come in here, alright? They won't disturb you- I promise."

"Mmmm," I murmur sleepily, as my eyes drift shut.

* * *

"Rocky?"

I glance up, as Ratliff walks into the room, his eyes flashing with uncertainty. When he sees me, they brighten slightly, as I motion him over. Austin has immobilized my right side- he's sleeping, his body half on my chest and half on the bed, with his head buried in my shoulder. I lift my free arm to catch Ratliff in a hug as soon as he gets close enough.

"Hey, Ell," I whisper into his hair. His chest heaves, as he presses as close to me as humanely possible.

"Don't fucking 'hey' me! What the fuck was that for, you fucking bastard?!" He cries, trying to sound angry- but the tears that have begun to run down his cheeks betray him.

"I'm sorry," I say gently. "I'm so sorry. I know I scared you and I didn't mean to. You have every right to hate me."

"I don't," Ratliff says tearfully. "But you fucking scared me. Brain damage and a coma and I just…fucking hell…"

"I'm strong, you know that. I've survived worse," I tease, kissing his head.

He shakes his head wearily. "Don't even fucking joke about that. Remember, I was the one to find your body after you jumped?"

Memories flash in my drug-ridden mind, as I let out a sigh. He's right- he _was _the one to find my blood-soaked body, after I jumped off the roof. Ratliff was the one to keep me alive and call the ambulance- otherwise I would've bled out. He's the reason I'm alive.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I love you so much, Ratliff. I promise I'm never leaving you for that long again. I'm not going anywhere."

"You better not be," Ratliff replies. "Because if you do, I will follow you. If you die, expect to see me in heaven a day later."

* * *

"Hey, love."

Rydel takes Ratliff's place easily, sobbing into my shoulder, and I sigh, pushing myself up a bit more without disturbing Austin. I rub her back gently, and lean down to kiss her head gently.

"I'm sorry," I say weakly. "I'm so sorry." I don't know how much my apologies will do. I know that the accident has thoroughly shattered all of them- left them with no hope and nowhere to turn. They lost me for three weeks, and I'm not surprised to see them all this broken. It breaks my heart, but I can't say I didn't expect it.

"You can never d-do that again," she hiccups. "P-Promise me…"

"I promise, babygirl," I whisper. "I love you."

"I love you too, Rocky," she replies tearfully. "Don't ever make us contemplate life without you. We've done it twice and it's horrible and not fucking fun and we're all falling apart. You gotta fix this mess."

"I know I do," I sigh. "You guys have fallen so hard and I'm so sorry."

"Austin's the worst out of all of us. He and Riker. Ratliff doesn't wanna take his meds. He's clinging to me and wants me to follow him everywhere so he isn't alone so he won't cut. And I'm not eating as much as I used to…"

"Oh, Rydel…" I exhale a heavy breath, kissing her hair once more. "I know. This has been hell for you guys. I'll help you. I'll figure it out- I promise. You guys are gonna be okay. You're not gonna be broken anymore. You'll be fine."

"I don't know…"

"I do," I say firmly. "And as long as I'm fucking breathing, I won't rest until all four of you are smiling- and smiling genuinely. I love you all so much, and I've missed three weeks, but I'm ready for more. I'm here for you guys."

Rydel lets out a shaky breath, and I shake my head, running a hand through her hair. "It's gonna be okay. I promise- I'm gonna make it okay. You guys aren't alone."

* * *

**Thoughts? I've noticed a drop in reviews- and I'm beginning to wonder- are you guys liking the story? Is something wrong? Let me know if there is- and if there's anything I can do to make the story better. Thank you so much for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	16. Chapter 15

**Thank you guys so much for the reviews on the last chapter. Trigger warning- self-harm, depression, biploar disorder, and suicide**

* * *

"I fucking missed this."

Ratliff leans further onto Rocky, a small spreading over his face. "I missed the five of us."

"Well yeah, because this idiot decided to go comatose for three weeks," Rydel replies, leaning over to thump Rocky's forehead.

Rocky scoffs, pulling Austin closer. "You say it like it was my goddamn choice."

"Seemingly so," Ratliff retorts.

"That makes no sense!" Rocky grumbles. "You're an asshole, you know?"

"Yeah, because everyone wants to get inside me," Ratliff grins.

"Oh my fucking god Ratliff, I'm done," Rydel chokes out, overcome with laughter. She hides her face in her hands, trying to staunch her incessant laughter.

I freeze, my gaze shifting over to Austin. He's gone rigid in Rocky's embrace, his face paling drastically. Sex jokes…and he's been…raped. Fuck…why didn't I realize this sooner? We're triggering flashbacks for him…

"Fuck, guys. Shut the hell up," I mutter. "Austin, love, are you okay?"

His head snaps up, eyes wide with fear. "Don't hurt me…I'll be a good boy, I'm sorry, please don't!"

"What the _fuck_?!" Rocky's voice is high with worry, as he stares at our youngest brother. Austin's breathing is getting heavier, ragged as he tries to force air out of his lungs in a way that almost seems painful.

"What the hell's wrong with him?" Ratliff asks worriedly.

"You guys triggered him," I say. "The innuendo…"

"What…?" Rydel stares at me, her eyes wide. "What the hell do you mean?"

I didn't want to tell them this way- but they won't understand his reaction, until I tell them what happened to Austin. Sighing, I pull him out of Rocky's arms and into mine. "You're fine, love. I'm gonna tell them- but don't you worry, it'll all be fine."

Austin tries to protest, but I shake my head, shushing him, before lifting it to catch my siblings' eyes.

"What's going on, Riker?" Rocky asks, his eyes serious. "Why did he react like that?"

"I don't know any details," I reply hollowly. "But…he was raped…"

* * *

"I'm so goddamn sorry, Aus," I sigh, pulling Austin's sleeping form closer. "I shouldn't have said that."

Riker went for a walk to clear his head, and Rydel went with him. Rocky's asleep, and I'm sitting here and holding Austin, my heart breaking at the dried tears staining his flushed cheeks. He didn't cry himself into sleep, but it was still pretty awful to watch the silent tears stream down his cheeks.

I can't believe some sick person would _do_ that to him. Steal his innocence; damage him in a way that can never be fixed. It's not fair- and he didn't deserve to go through something like that. The poor kid has been through so much in his life- so much has damaged him and left him a shell of the kid that was always talked about on the streets.

His break from music is almost over, and we're gonna call Jimmy and see if he'll sign us as a band. That way, he'll get Austin's music, and we have a record label, so we can release an EP, and maybe even an album.

That is, if we're all alive to see those days.

My depression is getting worse, and I'm not in the mood to keep taking a shitload of pills to ward off the demons attacking my mind. I shouldn't have to take meds to be normal- none of my other siblings have to. Just proves how fucking crazy I am. Pills to be normal? Pfft.

I hate myself so much right now. It feels like everyone's out to get me- like everyone's judging me. I know that isn't the case, but that's how it appears to me. My moods are changing rapidly- mainly because I haven't taken my bipolar meds. I don't fucking want to take them- so when Rydel gave me the pills this morning, I hid them under my tongue, before spitting them out when she left.

Fuck that.

* * *

I press play on my phone, and shove my headphones tightly into my ears, before straightening and walking forward. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going, but I know that I'm staying in the vicinity of the hospital. I need to clear my head. Everything is piling up, and I'm not sure how to comprehend it all.

"Riker!"

I pull one earbud out, and turn around, as Rydel runs up to me. "What is it?"

She sighs. "Wanted to talk to you."

"I kinda wanna be alone, Ry," I reply, sticking my earbud back in. "Need some time to think about shit."

Rydel shakes her head. "If I leave you alone, your thoughts will eventually drift to suicide. We need to talk about Austin and what happened."

"I don't know what happened, okay?!" My words are laced with obvious fear. "Don't you think I want to fucking know what happened?! I want to rip the fucking man to shreds, but Austin's not ready to talk, and I don't wanna pressure him into something he feels uncomfortable talking about."

"Wait, so when did this even happen?"

"I don't fucking know, alright?!" I sigh exasperatedly. "I don't know and no matter what I do things keep coming like fucking comets, and I keep missing them because I'm so much of a mess, that all I can fucking focus on is how much I wanna fucking kill myself!"

By the end of my sentence, I'm shaking furiously, trying to force tears back. I can't keep doing this. She's trying to get me to break- and even though I know it's a good thing to let out emotion, I fucking can't. I'm a mess and I'm worthless and I need to stay strong, but I just can't.

I fucking can't.

* * *

Riker's chest heaves, as he forces himself to choke back tears. A shaky hand reaches into his pocket, and with trembling fingers, he pulls out his phone, hiking up the volume of the song he's listening to, in an attempt to block out the world.

He's breaking and he's trying so hard to hide it. It's not working for him- he's finally hitting his breaking point, and I feel my heart break, watching him fall apart. He's my brother, and I love him so much- seeing him in such a fragile state is painful.

I sigh, leading him over to a bench, and lowering him down. His lanky frame conforms to the wood, and he hunches over, burying himself in his phone.

"Riker," I say gently. "Come on, bro. You need to let yourself cry. Stop holding it in."

"I can't," he chokes out, his voice laced with tears. "I gotta be strong for you guys."

"No, you don't. You need to break. You're holding it all in, and that's backfiring on you. Come on."

My words spark something in him. His breath hitches, and he glances at me desperately, before a forceful sob shakes his frame. "Oh, Riker…" I sigh, pulling him into my arms, and dropping a kiss on the top of his head.

He sobs hysterically into my shirt, choked cries that almost sound inhuman. They break my heart- as he clings to me, burying his face deeper into my shirt. He's been holding everything in for too goddamn long. It hurts so much to watch him break, sobbing forcefully against me. Any outsider would think he was hyperventilating with how badly his cries are getting, and this is starting to worry me.

"You're okay," I insist, kissing his forehead. "I've got you."

"It hurts," he whimpers. "Everyone expects me to take care of you guys and I've had to lock everything inside and it just hurts."

"It's okay, Rik. It's gonna be okay."

I feel him shake his head. "It isn't. I broke my promise."

* * *

Three weeks pass quickly- and Rocky is home, the cast on his arm removed. The only injury remaining from the accident is his broken leg, and that should heal in the next two weeks. Right now, we're all sitting in the living room, playing Monopoly talking and laughing like the fucking idiots we are.

"That's mine! You owe me 500," Rocky says smugly, smirking at Ratliff.

"Fucking hell," Ratliff grumbles, pulling fake money from his personal bank. "This game is rigged."

"Nah, you're just shit at it," Rydel teases, grabbing the dice and rolling. She moves her piece to land on one of my properties, and I grin.

"How much?" Rydel asks, sighing heavily.

"650," I reply, high-fiving Rocky. "Pay up!"

"Fuck you too, Aus." She hands me a wad of cash, which I sort, while Riker takes his turn.

"Free parking! Yes!" He says gleefully, grabbing the stack of cash at the center of the board and beginning to count it.

"What?! That is _not_ fucking fair!" Ratliff exclaims, his eyes wide with disbelief. "I'm poor! I need that goddamn money more than you do!"

"Well, too fucking bad," Riker retorts. "I just gained 1,530 bucks, and you _lost_ 500."

"Don't fucking rub it in, you asshole," Ratliff mutters. "Why do I even bother playing with _cheaters_?"

"Excuse you," Rocky protests. "We don't cheat. Aus, Rik, and I are just better players than you two."

"Well, thanks for rubbing it in."

The doorbell rings, and I sigh, pushing myself up and grabbing my crutches. My knee's a lot fucking better, another week before I can start walking normally again. I'm really looking forward to it- so fucking sick of these crutches.

"I'll get it," I mutter, hobbling over to the front door. I pull it open- but what's on the other side makes my eyes go wide and my jaw drop.

"D-Dez?"

* * *

**Haven't seen Dez for a while, have we? Well, he's back, and he's got an interesting story to tell. Thoughts on the chapter? If you wanna know what happened to Dez, and why he showed up at the Lynch's house- review! More reviews = a faster update, and you guys definitely want the next chapter :)**

**-Neha**


	17. Chapter 16

**Trigger warning- depression, self-harm, and suicide.**

* * *

Bloodied and bruised, Dez stands in front of me, his lip quivering, and his right hand still raised- as if he were to knock on the door.

"Shit, come on in," I push the door all the way to the side, and move back, allowing him entrance. "Guys! I need help!"

I hear three pairs of thudding footsteps, and the click-clack of crutches- before my siblings join me in the foyer. Audible gasps are heard all around me, as we stare at Dez- who has yet to say a word.

"A-Austin…" he mumbles. "I'm sorry…for everything…"

"Hush, let's get you sitting down and clean you up," I dismiss his apology quickly, turning to Rydel. "Can you go get the first-aid kit, towels, and a bottle of water?"

She nods, casting a suspicious glance at Dez, before rushing off. I turn to my brothers, giving out orders like a drill sergeant. "Rik, go get blankets. Rocky, can you do me a favor and grab my phone? Call Trish and tell her he's here. And Ell, help me."

Riker and Rocky comply immediately, but I can see hesitance on Ratliff's face. I sigh, smiling at him. "He's fine. He won't hurt me. We need to help him."

"But why, Austin? He hurt you."

"That doesn't change the fact that he used to be my best friend."

* * *

"Talk to me. What happened to you? Who beat you up?"

Austin looks at me, worry obvious in his eyes. I shake my head, eyes filling with tears again. I don't deserve his worry. He's broken because of me. He left school because of me. He shouldn't be concerned about me.

"It doesn't matter," I say hoarsely. "I just came to apologize to you. I needed to."

"Dez," Austin deadpans. "Someone- or some _people_- beat you up. Both your eyes are blackened, your noise is bruised- I think your ribs are, too, and there are cuts every goddamn place I look. You can apologize to me _after_ you tell me what the _fuck_ happened to you."

I don't answer him. Instead, I observe the room- noticing each of his siblings. Rocky- who's eyes mirror Austin's- concern and seriousness in them. Rydel- who looks suspicious, yet worried at the same time. Riker- who looks hesitant and distant- his mind isn't with the present. And finally, Ratliff- who looks completely distrusting.

Austin's looking at me expectantly, and I let out a heavy sigh. "It's because I told everyone at school lies about you. Trish told them the truth, and they…weren't happy…" I wince at the pain in my ribs, as I sit up. "But it's okay. I deserved it."

"It is _not_ okay," Austin replies. "No matter what you did to me- you _don't_ deserve this."

"It's _my_ fault you're being homeschooled!"

"Actually, no, that's because we're too attached to them, and Austin is too adorable," Rocky teases, laughing at the horrified look crossing Austin's face.

"Don't _tell_ him that!" Austin cries.

"I love you, shut up," Rocky says fondly, leaning down to kiss Austin's head. I smile faintly at this. They're so good with him. They love him so much and they're trying their best to make sure he knows it. They're so much better than I ever was, and it's sparking so much guilt in me.

I miss Austin so much. He was my best friend, and I let him slip away. I thought I could get on fine without him, but I can't. I can't get on without him. I've been such a mess ever since our fight, after he hurt his knee in gym.

"I'm just…sorry," I sigh. "I'm so sorry I hurt you so badly. I would take it all back if I could. I just… I need you, Austin. You were my best friend, and I fucking relied on you. Ally's been telling me what she's done to you, and she's a fucking bitch. Trish said she's trying to be your friend again, and I wanna try too…I understand if you don't want me…if I were you, I wouldn't want me either…"

Austin exhales a heavy breath. "I'd be lying if I said you didn't hurt me. But Dez, you went through that beating for me. I'm not saying I'm gonna forgive you immediately, but I'll work on it. Are you okay? Like, mentally?"

"I don't know," I sigh. "S'all a big blur. Just…" I trail off, reaching down to grab the water bottle, and taking a long drag.

"Where are your parents?" Riker asks, scooting over so he's closer to Rydel. She grabs his hand and squeezes, as I sigh.

"Business trip. They'll be back in like a week, or two." I doubt they even care about me anymore. They always thought I was fucked up in the head, and that constituted in their mentality that they have a "damaged" son. I don't fucking get it, but I don't like it.

"Hang on a sec, I gotta ask these guys about something," Austin mutters.

* * *

"Can he stay here?"

I look at my older siblings hopefully, my emotions whirling. I should be mad at Dez, but he looks so helpless and sad. I can't _not_ feel bad for him.

Rocky sighs. "Are you sure about this? Do you really trust him?"

"_I_ don't," Ratliff grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest. "He's hurt you two times too many."

"I'm with Ratliff on this one," Rydel agrees. "I don't want him to stab you in the back again, Aus…"

"I don't think he will," I reply. "I mean, there's not a guarantee that he _won't_, but I know him, and he seems so upset now. He misses me more than he's letting on."

"I don't know about this," Riker sighs. "I don't want you to get hurt again…"

"Please, guys," I say desperately. "He needs me right now. And I know he's been a shitty-ass friend, but who would I be, to abandon him when he's like this? For all I know, he could be depressed, and if he does end up suicidal, it'll be my fault. I'm not gonna forgive him in two seconds, but I really don't feel comfortable leaving him alone for two weeks- especially since his parents aren't the most attentive people on the planet."

* * *

"Aus, who do you wanna sleep with tonight?"

I break out into a grin, staring up at Rocky. "That sounds _really_ sexual, y'know…"

"Austin!" Rocky hisses, glaring at me. "You know that's not what I meant!"

"Ugh, fine," I mumble. "Had to ruin my fun, didn't ya? But anyway, I think I'll sleep with Ratliff tonight…" I don't like sleeping alone, it's cold and lonely and I have a lot of nightmares, so I usually cuddle with one of my siblings- a different one each night. Last night was Riker, previous was Rydel, and so forth.

"Alright, that works. Riker and Rydel wanna share tonight, and I'll take Rydel's bed, so Dez can have mine. That cool with you guys?"

"I wouldn't wanna impose…" Dez says weakly, his eyes trained on the floor. "I can go home…"

"Nonsense," I mutter. "You're not going anywhere."

I'm actually worried about him. He's been really quiet and withdrawn, a deep contrast to his normal self. I don't know what's happened- or what has gone on with him. I think he's been hanging out with Ally- but something tells me he's sick of her shit. Well, he's finally starting to understand what I've been dealing with. Ally Dawson needs to clean up her goddamn act, because right now, it doesn't look like she has any _real_ friends.

* * *

"Rocky? Riker has something to tell you."

Rydel pushes her twin into the room. I glance up, as Riker steps into view, taking instant notice of how haggard he looks. His entire appearance is drained- completely exhausted. I never noticed how fucking thin he was- he's always had the body build of a green bean, but he looks emaciated now.

"Come sit, Rik," I beckon him, opening my arms and patting the seat next to me.

He shakes his head, whispering frantically into Rydel's ear. She sighs heavily, nodding slightly. I can hear her saying something else, but I'm not close enough to know exactly what it is.

Riker trudges over to me, and slumps into the seat next to me. I immediately notice how tense he is- how badly he's shaking.

"I broke it," Riker says hollowly, a lone tear sliding down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

Realization hits me. His promise.

"Roll up your sleeves," I mutter.

He gives a large shudder, shaking his head. "You'll get mad at me! You'll send me to therapy!"

"Rik," I sigh. "I'm not gonna yell at you. You gotta show me. I need to see how bad it is- how bad you've gotten."

"F-Fine…" He gives me a shaky, fearful glance, before rolling up his sleeves.

I stare at his cut-up arms, sighing heavily. They're slashed, raw- the newer cuts pink and looking quite painful. Dried blood is splattered everywhere, in his haste to clean up, he probably missed a few spots.

"Oh, Rik…"

"It just hurt so much, and I couldn't break…I had to stay strong for them…and I just needed it…I couldn't handle the pain…I'm sorry, I didn't realize until after I did it. Please, don't send me to therapy…I tried so hard and you were in a coma and they needed me to stay strong for them. I had to hold Austin together and…"

"Riker…" I sigh, pulling him onto my lap, and wincing at the sharp twinge of pain that shoots through my ribs. "I'm not gonna say anything derogatory, I get it. Believe me, filling the role of the oldest is not easy. I'm not sure how I've been able to do it so long… But I know that these circumstances were so bad, and I know that my coma didn't help anything for you. I love you so much, Rik, and even though it hurts me so much to see you do this to yourself, I understand why you did."

"S-So, no t-therapy?" He shudders again, releasing a long, heavy breath against my chest, and letting out a soft whimper.

"No, no therapy, lil' bro," I reply. "But I _am_ gonna keep an eye on you. I mean, I'm gonna watch you like a fucking hawk. And if you feel like you need to cut, you need to come to me. And tonight, I'm gonna switch with Rydel. Let me help you, Rik. You need me- and I'm right here for you."

"It just hurts," he repeats. "It hurts so much. Like I'm drowning and you guys are all watching and laughing at me."

"You're gonna be okay, Rik. I promise."

* * *

**Thoughts? What do you think about Austin's reaction to Dez's appearance? And what Riker did? Thanks for reading- I'd love to hear your thoughts- and I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	18. Chapter 17

**Trigger warning- suicide, self-harm, and depression.**

* * *

"You were right. About Riker."

I sigh, grabbing Ratliff's wrist and stopping him in his tracks. He turns to me, looking quite concerned. I shake my head, pulling him down to sit on my lap. "He broke his promise. Told me last night. That's why I slept with him last night. Was worried."

Ratliff rubs a hand over his eyes. "Is it bad as last time?"

"Kinda," I mumble. "He fucking destroyed his arms."

"God...fuck…" Ratliff mutters. "And I'm kinda worried about...Dez…"

"Dez?" My eyes widen. "Why are you worried about _him_?"

Ratliff exhales a heavy breath. "Austin fell asleep really quickly last night, but I lay awake, thinking. And I could hear him crying. For a solid hour, before he finally cried himself into sleep."

"Oh god…" I mutter. "Riker didn't have an easy night either. He spent most of it crying and shaking against me. Broke my fucking heart. He's exhausted- try not to bombard him with shit today. I'm _really_ worried about him…"

"Well I want food," Ratliff says. "And I'm gonna make sure Ry eats with me."

"I need a shower," I groan. "Austin still asleep?"

"Yeah. He and Dez both are. I closed our room door, so the noise doesn't disturb them."

"Alright, good. Help me up?"

Ratliff grins. "You're such an old man, Rocky."

"Smartass," I grumble, as he pulls me to my feet. I balance on my good leg, grabbing my crutches, and swinging one at his head. He shrieks in mock terror, jumping up and scooting away.

* * *

When I wake, it's in an unfamiliar room.

An unfamiliar bed, not to mention. I sit up, ramrod straight, staring at my surroundings. And then, the sound of snoring infiltrates my ears. Looking to the right, I see Austin's sleeping form in the other bed, and then everything comes rushing back.

Stabbing pain shoots through my ribs, and I wince, as I stumble out of bed, a hand pressed to my abdomen. I walk out of the room, and try to navigate through the house, until I come to the kitchen.

Ratliff and Rydel are eating breakfast, talking in hushed voices. They look up as I enter, and I try to force a smile. "Where are the...others?" My voice is croaky, rough from disuse.

"Rocky's showering, Riker's downstairs, probably writing or playing his bass. And Austin's obviously asleep- correct?" Ratliff asks.

I nod, sighing heavily. "Listen, I know you guys don't trust me, and I really don't want to make this uncomfortable. I'm fine with leaving now."

Rydel shakes her head. "You aren't fine. You're injured- and you need to be taken care of. And I highly doubt you plan on hurting Austin again- so you're staying. He's working on trusting you, believe me. That aside, what do ya wanna eat?"

"_I _want a crepe!"

I jump at the voice coming from behind me, whirling around to see Rocky hobbling toward me, grinning.

"Too fucking bad, 'cause I ate the last one!" Ratliff smiles, his voice gleeful. When Rocky glares at him, he smiles bigger, making a show of putting his empty plate in the sink.

"There's waffles in the freezer," he sings, as he leaves the room- still in high-spirits. Rocky grumbles to himself, crutching past me to drop into Ratliff's empty chair.

Rydel sighs. "Now, _Dez_, what do you want?"

"He wants pancakes, like me," A groggy voice answers from behind me. I turn around, and Austin is standing right behind me, leaning lazily on his crutches, his eyes half-closed, and his hair mussed from sleep. "Lemme scoot by real quick," he mumbles, as he crutches past, toward Rocky.

"Hey, lil' bro," Rocky says, as he catches Austin in his arms. "You still look tired…"

"I am," Austin sighs. "Nightmares…"

"Oh, love…" Rocky murmurs, leaning up to kiss Austin's messy hair. He glances up at me, and motions me over to the table. "Come on, standing in front of us won't do you any good."

I nod slightly, limping over to an empty chair. My ribs still really fucking hurt, and it's affecting walking. "Ugh," I mumble, putting my head in my arms.

"By the way, love, you've got that appointment with your therapist today," Rydel informs him. "It's a consultation- she's not gonna do any physical therapy. We've just gotta talk about what the plan is from here, since you'll be able to get rid of those crutches soon."

"Alright," Austin replies. "But if she touches my knee, I'm gonna fucking kill something."

"She won't," Rydel promises.

Guilt stabs my heart, as they talk about his knee. It's my fucking fault and he's going through this in the first place. But hen I lift my head, Austin's shooting me a reassuring smile, and I try to return the gesture, watching as Rydel ruffles his hair, setting plates down in front of both of us. He settles into Rocky's chest, looking comfortable on his oldest brother's lap, and I sigh heavily.

What the fuck have I done to him?

* * *

I stalk down the sidewalk, anger festering in me. I just found out that Dez is staying with Austin and his siblings while his parents are out of town- and I'm fucking pissed about it. Why couldn't he ask to stay with _me_? Or _Trish_? Why'd he have to go crawling back to _Austin_?!

I press the doorbell to the Lynch's house, trying to calm myself down. I don't even know if they'll let me in- but all I really want to do is talk to Dez. Talk some goddamn sense into his head.

The door swings open, and I'm faced with Ratliff- when he sees me, his facial expression blossoms with anger.

"What the _fuck_ are _you_ doing here?" He grumbles.

"Relax," I reply. "I don't wanna hurt your precious little Austin. Let me talk to Dez. I know he's here."

"Oh yeah? And why _should_ I?" Ratliff mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. "Why should I listen to anything you have to say?"

"If you let me talk to him, I promise- I'll leave you guys alone. And I mean it this time- I won't bother Austin anymore."

He sighs. "You aren't talking to him inside this house. Wait here. I'll get him."

Five minutes pass, before Ratliff reappears, with Dez by his side. My eyes widen at the sight of my best friend. Both his eyes are black, his nose is purple, and he's favoring his right side, a hand on his abdomen. What the fuck _happened _to him?

"What is it, Ally?" Dez mutters. "I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone right now."

"Well, obviously, you must've been in the mood to talk to _Austin_," I sneer. "Why did you even come _here_? I'm surprised they let you in- you're a third of the reason Austin's _damaged_." My tone is laced with sarcasm, and I can see anger flicker in Ratliff's eyes.

"I came here, because I finally understand what we did wrong," Dez replies. "I don't want to spend my entire life being enemies with Austin. He's my best friend- I rely on him, and I need him in my life. He doesn't trust me completely yet, but he's working on it, same with Trish."

"Do you wanna be friends with _Austin_, or the broken mess- as _he's_ called himself- that lives here?"

"Listen here, you fucking-"

Dez holds up a hand, effectively cutting Ratliff off. "This _is_ Austin. And sure, he's broken, but it's not impossible to fix him. And he's living in a healthy, loving environment. These guys are so good with him." He turns to Ratliff. "Go back inside. You left Rocky to deal with all of them." Ratliff nods, giving me one last glare, before turning on his heel and disappearing from sight.

My eyes bulge. Dez is already in on their family system thing? What, is he gonna be adopted next? He's gonna turn into a complete asshole like Austin did. Fuck that. I'm gonna get into the middle of this.

"Why are you so goddam comfortable here? It's like a fivesome relationship, for fuck's sakes!" I don't mince words- I'm done being civilized.

Dez glares at me. "It's not a fucking fivesome. It's a household- with five siblings, that love and take care of each other. Austin belongs here. He's loved and cared for- and these guys know exactly how to help. Even if he still did live with his parents, we wouldn't know how to help him recover from a goddamn self-harm addiction. These guys have been through it they fucking know. And I'd rather see him in experienced hands, than in an unhealthy environment, where all he'll think about is fucking suicide."

"They've sucked you into their trap, Dez," I sigh. "First Trish, now you, what is the fucking world coming to?"

"No," Dez says calmly. "You've turned into a vindictive, evil, and cruel person- I'm not sure what the hell happened, but maybe Austin was right about Dallas not being good for you. And he's suffering for keeping your best interests at heart. If I were you, Ally, I'd suggest you change your fucking attitude. Pull your head outta your _ass_, and look at what's in front of you. I don't know if you've realized how much you've hurt Austin, but it honestly disgusts me. What do you have to gain, by pushing him closer to suicide?"

I open my mouth to say something, but he shakes his head. "I'm not finished. I may not be a fucking saint in this- and neither is Trish. But we've _realized_ our mistakes. We understand what we've done wrong- and although Austin may never forget how badly we scarred him- we're trying to correct our wrongs. It's a matter of maturity, Ally. Throughout my entire life, everyone has always said I have the mind and mentality of a toddler. That I'm one of the most immature people on the planet. But in my eyes,it's _you. _You're the one who fails to see the fucking obvious- and fails to see how much you're hurting- _killing_- another human being. Murder is illegal. And even if you're not the one holding the gun to Austin's head, your words have done enough."

* * *

**I don't know about y'all, but I love Dez right now. Anyway- thoughts? I'd love to know what you thought of Dez and Ally's argument- I've never done a scene like this for them before. Thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	19. Chapter 18

**Trigger warning- suicide, self-harm, and depression**

* * *

When I slam the door in Ally's face and turn around, I find myself face to face with Austin. He's staring at me with wide eyes- glassy with tears. I can see him shaking, and I open my mouth to speak, but he beats me to it.

"Dez," he breathes. "Did you really mean all of that?"

I nod hesitantly, wondering where he's going with this. Did I say something wrong…? However- I'm caught completely off guard, when he throws his arms around me, allowing his crutches to clatter to the ground loudly. Getting over my shock isn't easy- but I manage to recover slightly, wrapping my arms around him as well.

"Thank you," Austin whispers. "Thank you for saying that."

"It was the truth," I shrug, still holding him. "I just said what I knew was right. She's a bitch, and she needed to be dealt with."

Austin nods into my shoulder. "Can you…hold me and grab my crutches at the same time? If you let go, I'm gonna fall."

"Yeah, hang on. Don't let go." I lean down and grab one of his crutches, wincing at the strain it puts on my ribcage. Using that to snatch up the other crutches, I position them under his arms. He lets go of me, and shifts himself a bit, smiling.

"Thank you," he says again. "For everything."

"You shouldn't be thanking me," I whisper bitterly. "This is all my fault."

* * *

"I hate to say it, but the crutches would be better than this…ow…"

It's been a week, and I'm finally walking on my knee, and lemme tell you- it fucking _hurts_. I still have a limp, but the doctor said that's because of pain, and it should go away in due time. I can't walk for very long- I rely on Riker and Rydel to carry me a lot. Rocky's on crutches- he gets his cast off next week- and Ratliff is my height, so there's no way he can lift me.

"It's that bad, love?" Rocky glances at me in concern, as I limp into the living room and collapse on the couch next to him. He pulls me onto his lap, and I sigh, burying my face in his neck.

"Hurts," I mutter, releasing a long, heavy breath.

"You're tired," he observes, kissing the top of my head. "Aren't you sleeping okay?"

"No," I grumble. "Nightmares. Fucking hell."

"Love…" he sighs. "How about you sleep with me tonight? Rik said he'd sleep with Ratliff, and Rydel wants to sleep alone. Dez can sleep in Ratliff's empty bed."

I nod. "It's only 8:45, though…too early to sleep. We'll be up by 6, tomorrow…"

"Says who?" Rocky teases. "You're a fucking doormat when you sleep, we all know that."

"Mean," I mumble into his neck. "I'm tired and pissy, don't poke fun at me…"

"Well, Mr. Cranky," Rocky laughs. "Let's get you to bed."

"Does that mean I have to walk there…? Ugh…" I sigh heavily, scooting off Rocky's lap, and allowing him to grab his crutches and push himself up.

"No, you don't," he replies. "RIKER!"

Thudding footsteps invade my ears, and I assume Riker was in the basement. He appears before us, moments later, hair damp with sweat.

"What, are you guys doing cardio down there?" Rocky asks, rolling his eyes.

Riker snorts. "We're playing pool, thanks very much. Now, what'd you need? It's almost my turn, and I'm kicking their fucking asses."

"How are you even playing?"

"Me and Ry versus Ratliff and Dez," Riker shrugs. "Not that hard."

"Okay, anyway," Rocky mutters. "Can you carry Austin to my room? We're gonna crash, and he's already in pain- I don't wanna make him walk all the way there."

Riker nods, turning to me. He slides an arm behind my back, and the other under the crook of my knees- before sweeping me up into his arms. I hang onto his neck, wincing at the twinge of pain in my knee. He looks down at me, eyes full of worry. I also see a shadow of pain in them- and it confuses me, but I don't pry. "You alright?"

I nod. "Yeah, good."

He smiles faintly, and walks forward, toward the room Rocky and Ratliff share. Once we're inside, he places me on Rocky's bed, before leaning down and kissing my forehead. "Sleep well, Austin. I love you so much." Straightening, he strides out of the room, passing Rocky on his way back to the basement.

His tone confuses me even more- it's laced with obvious agony- it seems like he's saying a final goodbye to me, but I don't understand why. I'm gonna see him again in the morning, it's not like this is our last time talking.

Rocky enters the room moments later, hobbling over to the side of the bed. He leans his crutches against the wall, before turning to me, holding onto the bedpost and keeping his casted foot in the air.

"Scoot over, yeah?"

I nod, shifting over and leaving room for him- which in moments is taken over by his body. He opens his arms, and I inch my body over, until I'm buried in his chest.

"Rocky?" I ask, my voice small and muffled by his shirt.

"Yeah?"

"Is Riker okay?"

I feel Rocky stiffen at my question. "Of course. Why wouldn't you think so?"

"Because he sounds so sad," I sigh. "So sad and tired. Something's wrong, Rocky. I know it is."

Rocky lets out a heavy breath. "I know. Ever since his relapse, he's been closed off from everyone. I'm actually surprised that he's playing pool with the others right now. It's a good thing- they're gonna argue about the score, knowing Ratliff- so he'll get a lot of laughs in."

"I just…I feel closest to him, out of all of you," I mumble. "Not that I don't love you guys to death…it's just…he stopped me from making that one vertical slice…"

Rocky shakes his head. "No, I get it. Just like I feel closest to Ratliff, because he kept me alive after I jumped off that roof- he found me afterward, called an ambulance, and kept me alive until it got there. And Ratliff feels closest to me, Rydel feels closest to Riker, and vice-versa."

"I just… I don't know, Rocky," I sigh. "I'm a mess. I can't stop cutting, and I'm starting to scare myself."

"It's gonna be alright, love," he says gently. "We'll help you ease off it. It's not gonna be easy- but how about we try this? How many times do you usually go to cut every day?"

"Like…six," I whisper, in fear that he'll yell at me. It's a lot- I know.

"Okay," Rocky replies. "How about tomorrow, you try to get to five? And we'll see how you do with that, and if you do well, we'll go down to four, three, two, once, and eventually stop for good. Sound alright?"

I shake my head hesitantly. "Dunno if I can do it…"

"All I'm asking is that you try, love. If you try your best- that's enough for me."

* * *

"That's not fucking fair! You cheated!"

Ratliff throws his stick to the ground, glaring at me- mock evil obvious in his eyes.

"We did not," Rydel shoots back. "You're just shit at this!"

Dez groans. "You beat us five times in a row!"

"That proves my point- you're just shit at this!" Rydel repeats, a laugh escaping.

I wrap an arm around her shoulders, kissing the side of her head. "Good job, sis."

"Thanks," she whispers back, leaning up to kiss my cheek. "Love you."

"You too," I reply. My thoughts race- there's something I've been planning to do- planning to do for a long time, to be exact, and I think tonight is the best night to do it. Rocky and Austin are sleeping, Rydel, Dez, and Ratliff are gonna fall asleep sooner or later, and no one will suspect anything, because I'm known to sleep early.

Rydel pulls out her phone to check the time. "It's ten. We've time for another game. Rematch?"

"No," Ratliff says childishly. "You guys'll just cream us again."

"That we will," Rydel grins, using one arm to hug my waist. "That we will."

"But seriously, no," Ratliff repeats. "I'm tired. And I can tell that Dez's ribs hurt."

Dez sighs. "They kinda do…"

"Okay," Rydel replies. "Good games, guys. Thanks for letting us kick your asses to the moon and back."

* * *

When I wake, Rocky's arms are still wrapped around me, and he's still sleeping soundly. I rub my eyes and grab my phone, checking the time. 7:38. I knew I'd get up early today, considering we fell asleep at nine.

Grogginess overcomes me, as I squirm out of Rocky's grip, and scoot off the bed. When I stand, a stab of pain shoots up my knee, before it finally dissipates, and I can walk again. I sigh heavily at the pain, as I limp into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I'm not exactly pleased with how goddamn unstable my knee is. It hurts like hell, and I'm just done dealing with it.

When I finish up and walk out into the kitchen, no one is there. That's no surprise to me- they probably stayed up late playing pool. However, when I hear footsteps, it almost makes me jump two feet in the air.

Ratliff appears at the doorway of Riker and Rydel's room, his hair mussed from sleep, but his eyes wide.

"Have you seen Riker, Aus?"

I shake my head. "No. I just woke up. Thought he was with you…"

Ratliff sighs. "He was. But when I woke up this morning, I didn't see him. I went down to the basement, and he wasn't there, and I checked the rest of the house, except for this bathroom and the kitchen."

"Well, he's not in the kitchen," I say. "But lemme check the bathroom."

I limp over to the bathroom, and push the door open.

But what I see chills me to the bone- and elicits a scream from my lips.

Riker's body is lying motionless on the bathroom floor- blood pouring out from a long, deep gash in one of his arms.

* * *

**So...how many of you hate me? I'm gonna say this- right now, you do not know if Riker is dead or alive. _I_ know, but you guys don't. ;) Anyway- thoughts? If you guys get me a lot of reviews, you'll get the next chapter sooner- and obviously, you want it. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	20. Chapter 19

**So, you guys got me thirteen reviews- and that's amazing. Amazing enough that- I wrote the last part of this during my computer class this morning, and ignored the assignment we had. You're welcome. Trigger warning- suicide, self-harm, depression.**

* * *

At my scream, Ratliff comes running, almost sliding in his socks on the bathroom floor. When he sees Riker's body, his face pales dramatically, and his mouth drops open. "Oh my…fuck…"

He recovers from his shock much quicker than I do, turning to me. "Check his pulse. And grab towels, put pressure on that cut. He cannot fucking bleed out. I'm gonna go wake the others. Counting on you, Austin, you _need_ to keep him alive."

I nod wordlessly, dropping to my knees, and not even caring when pain shoots up my injured one. I grab the bath towel off its rod, and swaddle Riker's wrist in it, staring at his slack face as tears stream down my cheeks. It hurts so much to see him like this- to see him barely hanging on- to see that he attempted to _kill_ himself.

I hear thudding footsteps, and audible gasps are heard, as my siblings (and Dez) arrive on the scene. Rydel lets out a loud wail, dropping to her knees beside me. She grabs Riker's other wrist, and puts two fingers there, desperately checking for a pulse.

"Oh my fucking…god…" Dez whispers.

"Ratliff went outside to wait for the ambulance," Rocky mutters. "Fucking…Riker…why'd you have to do this to yourself…?"

"He's alive," Rydel whispers. "But his pulse is so faint, it took me almost two minutes to find it. His heart's barely beating…"

I push harder on the towel- it's stained red with Riker's blood- but I don't think his wound has stopped bleeding. "It's slowing down, but it hasn't stopped yet." My voice holds no emotion- eyes fixated on Riker's body. He's the reason I didn't kill myself- but here he is, motionless on the bathroom floor, surrounded by his own blood.

"I love you," I whisper. "And I don't understand why you had to resort to this to free yourself of pain."

* * *

"He's still in surgery."

I sigh, holding my arms out for Rydel, as she walks back toward us, tears streaming down her cheeks. She pulls herself up onto my lap, and buries her face in my neck. Moments later, I feel wetness on my skin- telling me that she's crying.

"He's gonna be okay, Ry," I whisper, kissing her hair. "I promise."

"How do you know that, Rocky?! He could've been laying on that goddamn floor for _hours_! We are so fucking lucky he was _alive_ when we found him!" The tears really start then- Rydel's sobbing into my neck, and honestly, I feel like breaking down myself, but I know that I can't.

I need to take care of them first, and then- if Ratliff will let me- I can sleep with him tonight and break down then. Until then- I need to be strong. Spaking of Ratliff- he's sitting next to us, staring blankly ahead, lost in deep thought. Dez has taken on the responsibility of trying to break through to Austin- which doesn't prove to be easy- our youngest sibling has shut down, his eyes dark, sharp with pain- focused straight ahead, gaze unwavering.

"I need air," Austin mutters, rising to his feet. He doesn't wince in pain as he puts weight on his knee- and that only spikes my fear. He's numbing himself from this entire thing- he doesn't want himself to feel- and that's going to backfire on him soon enough. A person can only be strong for so long.

Austin walks toward the hospital exit, and I turn to Ratliff and Dez. "One of you needs to follow him. I saw him slip a blade into his pocket, before we left. Go. _Now_."

Ratliff gives no response, but Dez jumps up, giving me a slight nod. "I'll go."

* * *

"Austin! Austin, wait!"

I make no move to slow my pace, when I hear Dez's voice. If anything- I walk faster. My knee can get worse- who fucking cares? Riker's probably fucking dead. And if he is- that means, bye-bye, Austin. That'll push me over the fucking edge. Hell, I'm surprised I haven't tried to off myself either.

"Austin, stop." Dez puts a firm hand on my shoulder, halting me in my tracks. I whirl around and glare at him. "Give me your blade."

I stare at him. "No way in fucking hell."

"Give. It. To. Me." Dez's voice is steely calm, as he punctuates each word with a period.

I pull the blade out of my pocket, and twirl it around in my fingers. "No. I need it."

"You don't," he replies. "And you are not going to cut. Give me that blade." He reaches over, and snatches it from my hands, shocking me to the bone.

"What the _fuck_ do you want from me?!" I glare at him, eyes wild with anger. "Why did you take that?! I fucking _need_ it."

He meets my gaze. "I want you to stop pushing us away. I want you to let this angry shit go, and break down. I want you to fucking cry, Austin! You were the one to find his fucking body, and you have yet to give some kind of reaction! I want you to fucking break, because I know that if you do, you'll get it off your chest. It won't fester into something a lot bigger than it is! And for the record- no, you don't need it. Instead of cutting, you could go back in there, and break down in Ratliff's arms. But you are not getting this fucking blade back."

"I'm fine," I say shortly. "He tried to kill himself. Didn't know the goddamn repercussions of it. He's going to take me with him. Go back and tell them that they'll have to hold two goddamn funerals, why don'tcha?! Make yourself useful, for once!"

Dez's eyes flash with anger. "Are you _listening _to yourself?! Do you even give a _damn_ about them?! He's your brother- but he's their goddamn _biological _brother! They've grown up together! He's Rydel's fucking _twin_! And yeah, she's a mess, but she isn't doing something like this to herself! Why the _fuck_ would you even think of putting them through that a second time?! Don't you think they've suffered _enough_?!"

"And what about _me_?!" I retort. "Why do I have to satisfy every goddamn person?! Why can't I do what _I _want for once?! Is it that much of a goddamn crime to think about myself?!"

"No. But I am not gonna let you do this to yourself! You're better than this, Austin! You know fucking right from wrong- unlike me! Don't let what Riker did change what _you _do! You're on the goddamn road to recovery- and I know for a fucking _fact_, that Riker wouldn't want you to change that, because of him! He wouldn't want to see you join him, just minutes after his attempt!"

"So you think he's gonna die, then?!"

Dez sighs. "I don't. I know he'll make it. But even so- you survived Rocky's coma, didn't you? You held on for three fucking weeks, do you know howfucking _strong_ you are?!"

"I _wish_ I was strong, Dez," I say steely. "I fucking wish I didn't rely on a fucking blade to keep from going goddamn insane! But I can't change me! I can't fucking recover! I'm destined to die anyway, so why not make it now?!"

"You are destined to die," Dez agrees. "When you're fucking eighty! Not at fifteen! You have sixty-five more years to live! And how do you know they'll be shit?! How do you know it won't get better?! You've got them! You have all four of them, and they love you so goddamn much! And you have me. Even if you don't consider me a friend, I'm still going to do whatever I fucking can to keep you alive. And if you don't believe me, believe this. I will make sure you don't kill yourself, or I'll fucking die trying."

"Then you've just landed yourself a death sentence."

* * *

Dez walks back into the waiting room, his eyes dark with anger. He sits down in the seat next to mine, and I look at him desperately. Rydel is still whimpering against my shoulder, and Ratliff's dozed off, slumped in his chair. It's better than the state Dez left us in.

"What happened?" I ask. I'm really fucking scared- I can't stretch myself in three directions- I'm relying on Dez to take care of Austin- and I hope that's not going to be a mistake.

Dez sighs heavily. "He's angry. Really fucking suicidal. He wants to kill himself. He told me to tell you guys to start planning two funerals. He's a fucking mess, Rocky. But…" Dez trails off, pulling something out of his pocket. "I took his blade." He holds up the razor with a small smile. "That's why I didn't force him to come back with me. He doesn't have a way to harm himself- so if he needs air, he can stay out there."

I nod, my fear worsening at Dez's harsh words. "Thank you. I'm sorry for putting this all on you- I know it's a lot to handle."

Dez shakes his head. "I owe you all. For what I did to Austin. This is the least I can do. You don't need to worry about Austin- I promised him I'd make sure he doesn't kill himself, or die trying."

"Thank you, Dez," I mutter. "You're a really big help right now. I don't know how I'd be able to do it otherwise."

"Like I said, it's the least I can do," he replies.

"Riker Lynch?" A man in a white lab coat walks out into the waiting room, carrying a clipboard. I look him over, my eyes widening at the overwhelming red mixing with white on his coat. That must be Riker's blood...this doesn't mean good news, that's for sure.

I raise a hand, and he nods slightly, walking over to us. I pat Rydel's back, and she scoots off my lap, standing and handing me my crutches. Ratliff is out, and I don't want to wake him- and Austin hasn't returned yet, so the three of us can convey the message.

"My name is Drake Matthews- I did the operation on your brother. When Riker was brought in, he was rushed into the OR immediately- he had already lost too much blood." He turns a page on his clipboard, and sighs. "He needed a blood transfusion, guys. When he was brought in- he was barely alive- his heart was beating very faintly, and he was barely breathing. We did the transfusion, but the problem is this. Since he was barely breathing, oxygen wasn't traveling to his brain- which resulted in his body going into a comatose state. We have him hooked up to a respirator- and right now, it's the only thing that's keeping him alive. I'm so sorry, but the prognosis doesn't look good. His heart rate is very slow- there are a lot of machines he's hooked up to- making sure blood gets to all the places it needs to, in his body. This was a suicide attempt, and he planned it out perfectly- he would've been dead, had he been found a minute later."

* * *

"Austin!"

I lift my head, hearing my name. Rocky, Rydel, Ratliff, and Dez are all walking toward me. Well- the latter three are running, and Rocky is propelling himself forward as fast as he possibly can.

"What is it?" I growl, not exactly in the mood to hear the news I _know_ is coming. A sliver of hope sparks in me- that Riker's okay, that he's waiting for me to go fucking scream at him, hug him, and completely break down because he scared me so fucking badly.

"Riker," Ratliff pants, hands on his knees.

"He's alive, isn't he?" I ask. They can't be this put together- if they had found out he died.

"Yes, he is."

"Then that's good," I mutter, standing up. "Can I see him?"

"No, Austin, you don't understand."

"What do you mean?" I ask suspiciously. There's definitely something they aren't telling me, and I need to know what it is.

"Riker's in a coma!"

* * *

**So, originally, the last scene wasn't meant to be in the chapter- it was planned for the next chapter, but because of how many reviews I got- I decided to give you guys a longer chapter. Anyway- thoughts? I'd especially like to know what you thought about Dez and Austin's little...argument, for lack of a better word. Thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	21. Chapter 20

**Trigger warning- self-harm, suicide, mentions of rape, and depression.**

* * *

Austin stares at me, his eyes glassy. He's paled dramatically- looking almost white, and it's starting to scare me. I shift myself a bit on my crutches, not taking my eyes off him.

"Aus," Ratliff says gently. "Come here." He holds his arms out to Austin- but our youngest brother shakes his head.

"I'm fine," he whispers, his voice quivering, laced with tears. "I'm fine."

"Austin-"

He shakes his head. "Don't. Please just…don't."

"No," Ratliff mutters. "You aren't fine, Austin. None of us are. But you need to let us help you."

"It'll be okay," Rydel says. "Riker is strong. He won't go down without a fight."

Austin backs away, holding his hands out. "Please…leave me alone. I need to be alone."

Ratliff opens his mouth to say something, but Austin turns away.

"Don't," Dez warns. "You guys may've been his family for over two months, but he's been my best friend for years- and when he gets like this, it's better to leave him alone to cool down. He'll say something he's going to regret- otherwise. Believe me, I've experienced it- he's cursed me out before, and meant none of it. He'll come back when he's ready- we should just go back inside."

* * *

My phone rings loudly, and when I look at it, Dez's name flashes on the screen. My eyes widen- I knew he had gone to stay with the Lynches, but I didn't expect a call so soon.

_"Oh, thank god you answered, Trish." _Dez's voice is urgent, panicked almost.

"Dez, are you alright?!" I ask, not giving him a chance to continue.

_"Yeah,"_ Dez replies_. "But these guys aren't. Riker tried to commit suicide, Trish. He's in a coma- he narrowly escaped death- and by narrowly, I mean, if we were one minute later, he'd be dead right now. Austin was the one to find his body…and he's shutting down again…remember last time?_"

Cold, hard fear washes over me, as memories invade my mind. "I remember…that was after he got…raped…shit…"

_"Precisely_,"Dez answers. "_And I need you to help me with something._"

"What's that?" I ask, my voice rising higher. "What do you have in mind?"

"_Ally's still being an utter blind bitch, isn't she?_" he replies- answering my question with a question, which pisses me off.

I sigh. "Yes."

"_Bring her to the hospital. I'm gonna try and break Austin- try and get him to crack, and I want you to bring Ally here. Before you object- don't announce your appearance when you get there. Come to where we are- waiting room in the ICU- and hide. Let Ally see and hear Austin's pain. That'll teach her a lesson. That'll show her the true impact her words have had on him. He won't know she's here- and that's the point. You just need to keep her quiet_."

My eyes widen. "That's…that's an amazing plan, Dez…"

"_I know_," he says breathlessly. "_I just hope it'll work._"

* * *

"Austin?"

"It's getting cold out here- you need to come inside. You're exhausted…"

I take a seat next to the broken blonde, my eyes burning with sympathy. He looks so pitiful, and it breaks my heart. I love him like a brother- and seeing him in such a broken state is positively shattering my heart.

"I'm fine," he whispers, and at this point- I don't know whether he's trying to reassure me, or himself. "I'm fine."

"No," I reply. "Austin- no you are not. You're a fucking mess. You need to let me help you. Let _us_ help you. They're so worried about you, love. So goddamn worried. You need to let us in- this cannot become a repeat of last time."

Austin tenses. "I thought I told you to never bring that up."

"The only way I can get through you- is through that. That was fucking scary, bro," I sigh. "Come on."

I pull him onto my lap, ignoring his protests, and running a hand through his messy hair. "I'm taking you inside. I am _not_ gonna let you torture yourself like this, for any longer. I know your chest is getting tighter, and all you want to do is cry. Stop holding it in. It'll just hurt you worse."

Without giving him a chance to answer, I stand up- with his body cradled to my chest- and walk back inside the hospital, back to the ICU waiting room. Once there, my eyes widen.

Rydel is inside, visiting Riker- but Rocky and Ratliff are sitting in the waiting room- the younger sobbing into his oldest brother's shirt. They look up when I enter, and stare with wide eyes, as I walk closer.

Finally, I stop in front of them, and lay Austin on Rocky's lap, making sure to place his legs on Ratliff's thighs. My heart warms, as he instantly reacts, burying himself in Rocky's neck.

I take a seat next to them, and grab one of his hands. "We're here for you, Austin. You just need to let us in."

* * *

"Ally, come on. We're going to the hospital."

Trish enters Sonic Boom- business-like and prompt. She walks straight to me, her eyes burning with desire. "Let's go."

I shake my head. "I need to watch the store. And Dallas and I have a date in half an hour."

"Dallas can go fuck himself," Trish retorts. "It's time for you to face reality. I called your dad, and he's got someone coming in to watch the store while you're away. This shouldn't take long- hopefully."

"What if I don't want to?" I mutter, crossing my hands over my chest. "You can't make me do shit."

"I can call the police," Trish says calmly. "And tell them everything you've ever said to Austin. I can get you put in juvie for a _long_ time. And if you don't believe I'll do it- you obviously don't know me as well as I think you do."

"Fine," I grumble. "You didn't need to go that far, for god's sakes."

"Too bad," Trish replies. "Now, come on."

* * *

"Alright," Trish mutters, as we walk into the ICU section of the hospital. "You do not talk. You do not make any noise. Just watch and listen. It's time for you to see _exactly_ how badly you've impacted Austin. And one thing's for sure- it isn't pretty."

She taps something into her phone, and sends the text- piquing my interest in seconds. This entire thing has been cryptic- and I know it's just a plan to get me to feel all guilty about what I've done to Austin. Pfft. I doubt this will work. Trish can just watch as this turns out to be a big, hot mess.

She leads me to a corner- we hide behind a wall, where I have full view of Austin, Rocky, Ratliff and Dez.

"What are they here for _this_ time?" I mumble. "It seems like they fucking live here- they're in this wing more than they are their house."

"Riker attempted suicide," Trish says a matter-of-factly. "He's in a coma- missed death by a minute. That's how serious this is. And Riker is the reason Austin didn't kill himself- so this has impacted him the most."

A tingly feeling makes itself present, and I don't know what the hell it is. I just know that I want it to stop- it feels really fucking weird.

"Now, listen," Trish reiterates. "Listen and shut up."

And surprisingly- I do.

"It hurts," Austin says, curling further against Rocky's chest. I see him squeeze Dez's hand harder, as he continues. "I'm so sorry for acting like an asshole, really, I am. I don't know how to conduct myself in these situations- so I just shut down…"

"It's okay," Ratliff says gently. "It's okay." He leans toward Austin, and Austin leans forward to kiss his cheek gently, smiling faintly. "I love you, Aus. Thank you for keeping him alive."

"Didn't know what I was doing," Austin sighs. "M'surprised he didn't bleed out- under my watch."

A ball of guilt rolls in my stomach, as I stare at the scene. Austin looks so…vulnerable. So attached to them- but the attachment is justified. He looks so scared- almost as bad as…when he was raped.

I had almost forgotten about that day- it was so fucking horrid, that I've been tryin to erase it from my memory for so long. He was so broken by the incident, and it had a huge impact on our lives from then on. Staring blankly at the scene in front of me, I continue to let my thoughts race.

"You'll be okay," Rocky reassures. "We'll get through this. Riker's strong- he'll make it."

"I'm not worried about him," Austin says emptily. "I'm worried about _me_. I don't know if _I'll_ make it through this."

Whoa, hang on. Wait just a fucking second. Did he just say what I thought he said? He's obvious referring to his _own_ suicide. The thought weighs heavily in my stomach, as realization sweeps over me. Just…what exactly, have I done?

"You'll be fine," Dez says firmly. "Have you cut yet today?"

"No," Austin says bitterly. "And it hurts."

"It's four, Aus," Rocky says gently. "You had four opportunities to cut today- and you didn't. Don't you see how strong you are?"

"The only reason I didn't- is because Dez took my fucking blade," Austin mutters. "And I'm still pissed at you for that, by the way."

Dez shakes his head. "I don't care. You can hate me all you want- but if it means you didn't hurt yourself today, I would've done it under _any_ circumstance."

The guilt grows, as I think back to when I triggered him. Seeing him crying, sobbing, barely able to breathe- it didn't occur to me, until now. It didn't occur to me- how much _my_ words alone- have damaged him. I could compare him to a punching bag- I took all my anger out on him, for no goddamn reason. And he's worn out.

I'm a fucking…bitch. What have I done to him? He used to be my goddamn best friend, and now he's withered away into a shell of a person- because of me. I caused this- over my fucking boyfriend. Over my boyfriend, I broke him to the point of no repair. I'm a fucking monster- I don't know what came over me- but…how could I have been so damn ignorant? How could I have_ laughed_ at him when he was barely able to breathe? How am I even a person?

Just…what the _fuck_ have I _done_?

* * *

**So, there you go. That's what you guys have all been waiting for- I assume? Well- Ally's realized her mistake, but she's left too much emotional scarring on Austin- for him to forgive her, like he did with Trish and Dez. It's gonna take a lot longer. Especially since- Austin and Ally have their first real conversation in the next chapter. And by real conversation- I mean, they actually talk like civilized people, and don't insult each other with every sentence. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	22. Chapter 21

**Trigger warning- suicide, depression, and self-harm. Important author's note at the end- please read.**

* * *

"So, do you think it worked?"

Trish shakes her head slightly. "I don't know, Dez. She didn't really say much afterward- she walked off, and I haven't bothered to go after her. She probably wants to be left alone- and I'm gonna assume that it worked, because she wouldn't have this reaction, if it didn't."

I sigh in relief. "Thank god…thank you for helping me. Austin and Ally need to be friends again. I don't know how it's gonna happen, but I'm gonna make sure it does."

"And I'll be by your side every step of the way," Trish says supportively. I look down and smile at her, opening my arms. She hugs me gently, and I return the gesture. I've always felt something different for her- but I've doubted countless times, whether she returns my feelings.

I exhale a deep breath, hugging her tighter. Everyone seems to think I'm this dumb, idiotic person that isn't capable of loving…but maybe, I'm just misunderstood. Maybe, I do love someone. I love Trish- but I doubt she's even capable of loving someone like me. Maybe I am a lost cause, like they said. I'll never actually find true love, at this rate- because everyone believes my mental state is that far gone.

And maybe it is.

* * *

"Oh, Riker…"

I stare at my twin brother with tears in my eyes, grabbing one of his limp hands and holding it up to my cheek. "I'm so sorry."

He looks absolutely awful. Pale as all hell- almost like a corpse. The only thing keeping him alive is that goddamn respirator. "Why did you have to do this, baby? You could've come to one of us- we would've helped you. I don't understand, Rik…I love you so much."

"I miss him so much, and it's only been two days."

Ratliff steps into the room, his eyes widening when he sees Riker. We've all seen him before- but it's still a shock to come in and see him up closer. He looks so bad, and I'm surprised I'm managing to keep my composure, and remain in the room.

"So do I," I sigh, as Ratliff walks toward me. He slips behind me, and rests his head in the crook of my neck, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I miss him, and we need him. God, Ell…why did this have to happen to us?"

"I don't know, Ry," he says. "I just don't know what we did to deserve this."

"It's not fair," I sigh. "I just want him back. But in a way- I understand. I get why he did it…I mean, everything is spiraling out of control, and I just don't know how to cope, either. He thought he'd die- but he didn't, and either way, it's pushed me over the edge."

Ratliff stiffens. "Is this your way of telling me that you're gonna be the next one in a hospital bed?"

* * *

"Are you okay now?" Rocky asks gently, shifting a bit and supporting me against his chest. "Did that night's rest do anything for you?"

I nod slightly. "Helped a little bit. I still…still can't go see him, not yet. It's too…too soon."

"No, don't worry about it," Rocky replies. "You're already traumatized- I don't want you to go in there and see all the machines. He looks dead, Austin- and I don't think you're ready to see him like that. Rydel and Ratliff are inside right now."

"No, they're not."

Ratliff walks toward us, visibly trembling. "I couldn't…Rydel's in there, but I couldn't manage…"

"Oh, Ell…" Rocky sighs. I wince at the sight of him, and scoot off Rocky's lap, giving Ratliff a chance to curl into our oldest brother's chest.

Ratliff lets out a long, shaky sigh. "He looks so…dead. There's no color to him, not anywhere. And the respirator makes this awful artificial noise that reminds me that he isn't fucking breathing. The goddamn machine is doing it for him."

Nausea bubbles in the pit of my stomach, but I force it back down, swallowing hard. A cold sweat washes over me, and I don't realize it, until I can feel wetness on my face.

"We'll be okay," Rocky mutters. "He's gonna be fine. Don't worry- please don't stress yourselves out about this."

"I'm already cutting," Ratliff mumbles. "I don't think it can _get_ any worse than this."

I just shake my head, leaning forward to place it in Rocky's shoulder.

"Or maybe, I was wrong. It just got worse…"

My head snaps up at Ratliff's next words, eyes wide, as I look in the direction he's pointing.

Oh dear god, _no_.

* * *

Ally.

Just seeing her makes fear bubble up in my stomach, overcoming the nausea and causing me to begin to tremble. I shake my head vigorously, not able to take my eyes off her. Dez and Trish flank her on either side, and that just scares me even more.

What if they were in on it the entire time? They probably never did care about me.

_It was just an act_.

"Austin, no. Calm down. Come on, love, don't do this. You need to relax," Rocky murmurs. Ratliff and I switch places again, and I bury my face in Rocky's neck, trying to make myself as small as possible.

"Austin?"

"Don't come any closer," Rocky growls. "What the _fuck_ is this? Why the _hell_ is she here?! And are you two in on something we don't know about?! Was all this a ploy to string Austin along?!"

"No!" Dez's voice is desperate. "We'd _never_ do that! Everything we both said was completely genuine! I came up with a plan to get Ally to see what a bitch she was, and Trish was in on it! We've been trying to help!"

"She understands," Trish says. "Understands that she's been an absolute abomination in the past few weeks. She wants to talk to him. Talk to him in a civilized way."

"Oh no, no way in fucking _hell_," Rocky says immediately. "Do you not see how fucking terrified he is?! And she has yet to say a _word_!"

"You can be here. We'll talk right here," Ally speaks up, her voice low. I wince when I hear it, pushing myself closer to Rocky. I can't be hurt again, no…

"It's okay, calm down. We're right here. We're not going anywhere," Ratliff says into my ear. I release a shuddering sigh and try to calm down, my heart rate only speeding up at the fact that Ally is watching this entire thing.

* * *

"Talk," Ratliff hisses. "One word out of line, and I will not hesitate to hit you. And I do not fucking care that you're a girl."

I swallow hard, nodding. They're reacting normally. Austin refuses to even look at me. His face is hidden in Rocky's neck, and I can hear him crying. And it wrenches my heart. I didn't think I'd ever be the reason for his tears, but I am the reason of far more than that.

"Austin, I think I should start by saying sorry," I mumble. "I know that it does nothing to mend the scars, or heal the pain, but I really am sorry. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't realize…didn't understand how big all this had become. I didn't know the strength and power my words had against you."

Austin hiccups, and slowly turns to face me, his eyes red and watery. "Why? Why did you feel the need to damage me for your own pleasure?"

"I don't know," I reply. "I wish I could tell you why, but I don't know."

"Why do you hate me so much, anyway?" Austin whispers. "I was just trying to protect you…"

My heart wrenches, and I force myself not to cry. "I don't hate you, Austin. I thought I did, but I don't. I really don't. It was just anger at the entire world, that I took out on you- and I shouldn't have done that. You were trying to protect me, and I took advantage of your actions by making them seem like you were trying to steal me from Dallas."

Austin shakes his head. "I don't think…I don't know why it took this long for you to fucking understand. It doesn't add up- why didn't you see it before?"

"Because I was blind. I was acting like a blind bitch," I sigh. "And Dallas kept on saying that you were just acting like a jealous dick, and I…I believed him. But he was so enticing; it was hard not to believe him. He said things in a way that made me agree with every word that slipped from his lips- practical or not."

"That doesn't…it doesn't change what you did to me, Ally," Austin says. "It doesn't make this go away." He pulls up his sleeves, and I stare, wide-eyed, at his mangled, torn up arms. Red and pink lines criss-cross, forming intricate patterns up his entire arms- from his wrists to past his elbows. "You did this to me."

"I know," I whisper hollowly. "And I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I hurt you that badly. I'm sorry, Austin."

"No, you're not," Austin mutters, shaking his head. "Apologizing doesn't do anything to help me. It may ward guilt off, for you, but I'm still the one who has to deal with the demons that just won't leave me alone. I'm the one who has to hear your words repeating in my head. When you told me to slice a blade down the length of my forearm. I haven't forgotten- and even though saying sorry may clear your conscience, it doesn't take away from the emotional scars you've left on me."

"Austin, I…" Even more guilt creeps into my stomach, as I stare at him. He looks so pitiful, yet his hoarse words are managing to penetrate my emotional barriers, and make me feel like absolute shit about himself. He's got power in his words to- or maybe, I take them to heart- a contrast to many others' words.

"Save it," he says bitterly. "I don't want to hear excuses. They don't mean anything to me. They don't change anything- don't make me hurt any less. I'm a mess, Ally. Filled to the brim with pain and depression and I'm just done with it all. If I could kill myself right now- I'd do it without any second thoughts. And I know you don't want me this way. I know you don't want a cutting, suicidal, depressed guy for a friend. Maybe…maybe it's better this way. You won't hurt me anymore, and I won't drag you down. Maybe…we weren't destined to be best friends, after all."

* * *

**Before you guys kill me- let's make something clear. Austin is broken. He's an absolute mess, with out of control emotions- which results in him seeing the world through pain-filled eyes. And he doesn't want to get hurt again. But Ally is going to make it up to him- I'm not gonna tell you how, but it'll happen.**

**Another thing- Austin's rape. I've gotten quite a few reviews asking when I'm going to reveal the story behind that. Again- Austin is broken. He's in no way ready to relive those events- they will break him. The break down that Trish and Dez mentioned in the last chapter is a lot worse than they made it seem- I'm writing a flashback to show you guys truly how bad it was. But Austin's story _is_ coming, I promise. I'm not telling you when- I don't know myself- but know that it _is_ coming. **

**Anyway- thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed the chapter.**

**-Neha**


	23. Chapter 22

**Hey, so last chapter, I only got three reviews. Now- I'm not one to complain about this- but I really am wondering what's up. Like, is there something I can do about this? I'd really like some reviews, guys. They help in writing the new chapters- so I know what parts to include, and what scenes I can equate to bullshit and take out. Thanks in advance. Anyway- trigger warning- self-harm, suicide, rape, and depression.**

* * *

One long, miserable month passes, and I don't know how well I can hold up anymore. I don't know how long I can live like this, because it's pure torture. Agony and torture, leaving me wanting to die with every passing second. I just don't see the worth in anything anymore- not even in me. I don't have any value- if I did, my head wouldn't be so fucked up. I wouldn't be so fucked up.

I lay listlessly against Rocky's chest, eyes half-closed as my thoughts race and whirl around me. It's almost ten at night, but I'm not tired. Well- I am kinda tired. Tired of dealing with life and pushing through all this pain to appear like I'm not falling apart. I'm tired of watching Ally stare at me- in hope that I'll magically forgive her.

She's hurt me so much, and I don't understand why she even wants forgiveness. She made it obvious that she wants nothing to do with me, and then she apologized, and it's just supposed to be okay again? I don't understand that. I forgave Trish and Dez because one- they didn't hurt me nearly as much as Ally did- and two- their apologies were extremely sincere, and they demonstrated that they were genuinely sincere. Their actions were enough.

Ally doesn't deserve my forgiveness. Not now, at least. I don't want to sound vindictive- that isn't the kind of person I am- but I want her to suffer. She deserves to suffer like I did- okay, not nearly as much as I have- but she still deserves to be in agony for a while. I had to deal with it, and she is not getting off scot-free. That's not fair in the slightest.

I'm also worried about Rocky. The reason that Riker attempted suicide was mainly his coma. He couldn't handle the pressure and stress of dealing with everything- of taking care of the three of us. He couldn't handle being the strong person- and I'm afraid that's going to happen to Rocky as well.

I'm just…scared for all of us. Ratliff's cutting, Rydel's not eating much, Rocky's grown distant, and I can't stop thinking about death. We need Riker so much- it isn't even funny. He may not be the oldest- but he held us together, and his comatose state is shattering all of us to the point of no return.

* * *

"Can we borrow Austin for a sec?"

Dez, Trish, and Ally stand in front of us, looking a little nervous- but serious all the same. The prospect of going anywhere with Ally weighs heavily in my stomach- so I'm not sure I want this to happen. I can tell Dez senses my reluctance, because he shakes his head, looking straight at me. "I'll be right there. I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry."

I feel safer with him- than Trish and Ally- because of his promise, not to mention all he's done for me in the past few days. I trust him the most, and if he says I'll be safe, I'm going to believe him.

Rocky sighs. "Half an hour. And if he's uncomfortable with Ally there, you guys come back, got it?"

Trish nods. "Of course. C'mon, Austin."

Dez helps me up- I'm not exactly stable on my knee, but it barely hurts anymore. I can walk for short periods of time- after that is when it starts to really hurt. They lead me outside, to some benches near the hospital entrance.

"Alright," Trish mutters, as soon as we sit down. "Austin…we gotta talk about something. This is important."

"We need to tell them about that night, Aus," Dez says gently. "I know you told Riker it happened, but we need to tell them the entire story. They deserve to know- and you'll feel a lot better once they do."

My blood runs cold. Fear washes over me, overcoming my body in waves. I have yet to respond- but I can tell that my face has paled drastically- their sympathetic expressions convey that.

"It will make you feel better," Ally promises. "You won't have to hide it anymore. And I promise- they won't judge you for it. They love you."

I sigh heavily. "I don't…I can't talk about it. Not yet, at least. It's too…to soon."

"Aus, it's been six months…"

I glare at Trish. "Six months isn't _nearly_ enough time! I was _raped_, Trish! Someone stole all the fucking innocence I ever had, and left me dirty, damaged, and disgusting!"

"Hey," Dez says firmly. "I don't _ever_ want to hear you talk about yourself like that again. You are not dirty, disgusting, _or_ damaged. You may be broken, but you _can_ be fixed. And this incident has just made you stronger. If it were me, I don't know how I would've been able to cope."

"How has being raped made me stronger?" I ask tearfully. "It's only broken me and made me weak as fucking hell. I hate the mere thought of it."

"You got through it, didn't you?" Ally replies. "You survived it. You managed to move on."

"I'm not strong," I grumble. "Strong people don't slice into their own goddamn flesh for relief. It's disgusting and inhuman and I know you all secretly think that of me- so don't even try to hide it."

"Austin Monica Moon." Dez's voice is stern and serious. "You are not disgusting- and we sure as hell don't think that of you. You needed relief, and although self-harm isn't the answer- it was your way of coping. We _are_ trying to change that, because we don't want to lose you- and cutting too deep is extremely easy to do."

"Then why don't you just let me do it?" I mutter. "Let me put an end to this."

"Because you'll be letting your demons win," Ally speaks up. "I know I've been a bitch lately- but I've watched you for the past month- and if there's one thing I've picked up- it's how strong you are. If you kill yourself, you're giving up. You're letting them win. Don't do that, Austin. You're so much stronger and so much better than that. We believe in you."

"And you're the only ones that do." I put my head in my hands. "I stopped believing in myself a long time ago."

* * *

"Is he okay? What did you guys do to him?"

Austin curls wordlessly against my chest, pushing himself as close to me as possible, as Trish, Dez, and Ally sit down in the chairs next to me.

"Nothing," Dez replies. "He has something to tell you guys about, and we were talking about that. You know about the…rape…but you don't know the entire story, and you _need_ to hear it. It's one of the reasons Austin's such a mess."

"He was raped…I know that," I mutter. "But if he's not ready, we shouldn't push him. He'll tell us when he is ready."

Dez shakes his head. "If we wait, he'll be dead by the time we actually get around to doing it. He's that far gone, and if you guys don't want to lose him, this has to be done as soon as possible. I'm not even saying he has to be the one to tell it. The three of us brought him back to normal after it happened. He refused to tell his parents- so it was all on us."

"But do you guys know exactly what happened?" I ask. "Like, how it happened and shit?"

Trish sighs. "Somewhat. We only know what he told us. He couldn't say much- way too traumatized- but we got something out of him. Enough to make us worry about him, that's for sure. He's traumatized- yes, but it isn't nearly as bad as it was six months ago."

"It happened six months ago?"

Ally nods. "Yes. He came into Sonic Boom completely disheveled, and that's when it all came out.

"You guys have no idea how bad it became," Dez mutters. "He was such a different person- that was the catalyst for his cutting. He was so angry, so goddamn bitter- you wouldn't have even recognized him- that's how far gone he was."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not fucking here," Austin grumbles, lifting his head to glare at Dez. "I know I was a mess, don't fucking remind me."

"Hey, shhh," I coo, coaxing him to turn back into my chest. "It's alright- you just rest. I'll handle this, okay? Don't stress yourself out about it."

"It's already broken me," Austin replies. "It's already shattered me."

"It's going to be okay, love," I say, leaning down to kiss his hair. "I promise it's going to be alright."

"Don't promise something you can't keep, Rocky," Austin murmurs. "I've been promised that before, and it's been broken in so many different ways. I don't believe that shit anymore- it is _not_ going to be okay, no matter how you look at it. You can ship me off to therapy, or fucking rehab, and I'd still come back just as much- if not more- of a mess."

* * *

**Thoughts? Next chapter is the one you're waiting for. The flashback chapter. It's not gonna be pretty- but it _is_ action-packed, and you guys are only getting it if I get reviews. So- if you want it, review your hearts out! Anyway- thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	24. Chapter 23

_**Heavy**_** trigger warning for rape in this chapter. Read at your own risk. Additional trigger warnings- suicide, self-harm, and depression. Buckle your seatbelts, guys. This one's a shocker.**

* * *

Two weeks pass, before Austin is ready to talk about what happened. He's been drifting away in that span of time- looking quite pale and withdrawn, jumping at every noise, and worrying that everyone is out to get him.

"I wanted to tell you guys _with_ Riker here…" Austin sighs, his eyes downcast. He presses himself closer to Dez- looking at us with pure fear in his eyes, and it breaks my heart. I never want to see that much terror in his eyes.

"It's okay. We can fill him in when he wakes up," Rydel says gently. "It'll be good to get this off your chest."

Dez wraps a strong arm around Austin's scrawny shoulders, leaning over to whisper in his ear. Trish and Ally are sitting next to them, and we're sitting across. Ratliff has his legs in my lap, and Rydel is leaning her head on my shoulder.

"Alright- Austin's going to tell you how it actually happened, and we'll deal with the aftermath," Dez says. "And another thing- this is going to destroy him. And no matter how bad he looks- no matter how hard he's crying- you cannot offer him any comfort. That'll shut him down- tear down all the courage he's worked up to relive this. I know it'll hurt- it hurts us- because we saw it firsthand- but you guys need to refrain from giving him any type of comfort, if you want to hear his story."

Austin whimpers, leaning up to say something in Dez's ear. Meanwhile, I sigh to myself, clenching and unclenching my fists. Something tells me this is going to be a lot harder than it appeared. Seeing my baby brother in so much emotional pain, and not being able to do a thing about it? Yeah, like that'll be easy.

"You ready, Austin?" Trish asks, glancing over at him.

Austin nods slightly. "It all was around the middle of June…"

_Guitar case clutched in my hand, I use my other hand to hold my cell phone up to my ear, listening intently into it. "Yeah, Als. I finished the concert- it went amazing. Yep. It was a hit. I wanted to walk home. It's really nice out. Yes- I'll be safe. No, don't worry. Ally, please. Okay. Yeah, I'll see you in a couple minutes. Mhm. Okay. Okay, bye." I hang up, sliding my phone into my pocket, and inhaling the evening air._

_"Hey, pretty boy."_

_My attention is immediately snatched. A tall man- looking just like a gang member- dressed in all black, his entire body tattooed, piercings wherever possible- stares evilly at me, his arms crossed over his chest. My heart skips a beat, as I look back at him- suddenly feeling not-so-safe here._

_I'm passing an alley. It's part of the trek to Sonic Boom- and dangerous at night. Riddled with gang members- exuding a sinister feel- the alley is somewhere I know not to explore- and until now, I've never been approached by anyone living there._

_I decide to ignore him. Head held high- trying not to look as scared as I feel- I clench my fingers around the handle of my guitar case, palms sweaty and heart hammering- as I attempt to walk past. _

_"Wait just a second, fag." A disgusting odor invades my nostrils- as the man's heavy footsteps carry him over, until he's standing right in front of me. His breath is rancid- it makes my tongue curl- but I refuse to show my disgust._

_"Can I help you?" I do my best to keep my voice from shaking- but I know that I haven't done a very good job. My fear is obvious- I'm surprised he hasn't tackled me to the floor yet._

_"What's a faggot like you doing around here? All high and mighty with your fucking _music_ career, and millions of fans. Shouldn't you be in a limo, or dusting off your yacht, pretty boy? You're too good for places like here, aren't you?"_

_"N-No," I reply shakily. "Just passing through. I don't want to cause trouble- and I'd appreciate it if you'd let me by."_

_"All polite now, aren't we?" I can feel his warm breaths on my ear, and to be honest- it's vile and disgusting. Hasn't this guy ever heard of personal space? _

_"If you let me go, we'll both get what we want," I reply. "Please get out of the way."_

_"And what if I _don't_?" His voice is silky-smooth, supposed to be enticing- but I find it purely disgusting. This guy has to be in his thirties, and I'm half his age. _

_"No answer. I thought so." Before I know it, I'm being dragged inside the alleyway, and pressed to a brick wall. My guitar case falls from my hand, and crashes to the ground- but I barely hear it. This man is pressed against me- and I'm absolutely terrified right now. _

_"Let me go! Get off me! Stop it!" I cry, blindly trying to push him away._

_He chuckles. "Don't bother, faggot. I just wanna have a bit of fun, and then I'll let you go."_

_Before I can get a word in- he's unzipped his pants, and then mine. He slides my jeans and boxers down, one hand covering my mouth- so my screams are in vain._

_Lips replace his hand- hard, dry, dirty lips that make me want to vomit- as his fingers do unspeakable things down there. I want to cry- I want to scream, but my qualms are silent- I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. _

_He impales me with his dick- and at that point- I give up. There is no use of fighting him- he's much heavier and much bigger- throwing him off is as likely as Ally or Trish finding me in this position. It will not happen._

_The entire thing lasts for only ten minutes, but he throws me to the ground afterward, zipping up his pants, and strolls away. _

_Leaving me sobbing on the ground, dirty, damaged, and absolutely disgusting._

Dez told us not to say anything. And I _can't_. I have no words to express my utter _hatred_ for that man- and when I look at Austin, my heart breaks. Tears stain his cheeks, his lower lip wobbling and his eyes glassy with tears. Dez has pulled him onto his lap, and is murmuring into his ear, trying to calm him down. He has a tight grip on Trish's hand, squeezing hard.

* * *

I didn't imagine they would take it well. Rocky is staring at Austin, his eyes blank and full of tears. Ratliff's facial expression is murderous- teeth gritted and eyes burning with rage. As for Rydel- her face is buried in Rocky's shoulder- so I don't know exactly how she reacted to this.

"Is he okay?" I glance at Dez, who gives a slight shake of his head.

"I've got him. You're up. Tell it exactly like it happened, Ally."

"So, I'm going to take over now," I say.

_It's been an hour since my call with Austin, and he has yet to show himself. I don't know where the hell he is- but I'm extremely worried. It's not like him to be this late- and I hope something hasn't happened to him. I hope he's okay. _

_"Is he still not back?" Trish asks, as she enters the store, pulling Dez in behind her. _

_"No," I mutter. "What if something's wrong? What if he got jumped? Or ambushed?"_

_"I'm sure he's fine," Dez says. "Maybe he stopped to enjoy the beautiful evening!"_

_"I don't think that's it, moron," Trish grumbles, thumping his forehead. _

_"I'm just worried about him…" I sigh. "He won't pick up his phone- and I know something's wrong. I can feel it!" _

_Just as I say that, the door to the shop bangs open, and my eyes widen. Austin stumbles in- but the sight of him breaks my heart. His clothes are torn and messy, and his hair is mussed. His eyes are haunted- and it looks like something happened. Something definitely not good._

_"Austin!" I slide out from behind the counter and rush over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What _happened _to you?!"_

_"Are you okay?!" Dez's voice is high with worry, as he and Trish join us. _

_Austin stiffens at my touch, his eyes wide with fear. "D-Don't touch me."_

_I retract my hand immediately, staring at him. "What happened, Austin?!"_

_"P-Please…" he says desperately. "I-I'm sorry…"_

"He basically shut down after that. Wouldn't say anything to us. He became an entirely new person- angry, bitter, withdrawn…it was awful. He was like a ticking time bomb- anything could set him off." I shudder at the thought of it, glancing at Austin. He's still pressed into Dez's chest, eyes completely averted.

"There's one more part left to the story," Dez says hollowly. He tightens his grip on Austin. "Since he refused to get any sort of rape kit done- we just had to assume he had no STDs, and thank fucking god, we were right. We didn't find out that he was raped, until around two weeks after it happened, and one week after that, was Austin's breaking point."

* * *

Austin buries further into my chest, whimpering, and I sigh, stroking his hair gently. "This is what happened…"

_"Austin?" _

_He stiffens at his name, whirling around to face me, before I can put a hand on his back. He's sitting in his practice room- the place he's basically lived at for the past three weeks. It's summer out- a hot July day- and even though I know why he's distancing himself- I don't think he should be. _

_"What is it, Dez?" His tone isn't cold or angry- just haggard._

_"You're a mess, Austin," I reply. "And you won't talk about it. You keep saying you're fine- but I _know_ you aren't. This has damaged you."_

_Austin tenses. "Get out."_

_"No," I say firmly. "No. I am not going to leave you like this- to wallow in your own self-pity. You're not okay, Austin- and it's more than alright to let everything out. No one would blame you."_

_"You need to get out," Austin says bitterly. "I am fine."_

_His use of contractions- or lack thereof- confuses me. Is he trying to appear robotic? Shutting all his emotions off?_

_"Austin."_

_"Stop it," he whispers. "Please. Get out. Leave me alone."_

_"I'm not going to leave you alone when you're like this. You were _raped_, Austin!"_

_My words spark something in him, His eyes flash- burning with rage and fury. I'm starting to regret what I just said._

_"YOU THINK I DON'T FUCKING KNOW THAT?!" Austin screeches, tears building in his eyes. "WHAT, DID YOU THINK I WAS FUCKING BLIND WHEN HE PULLED DOWN MY FUCKING BOXERS, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?!"_

_"Austin, I…" I look for words- but I don't find any. I don't know what to say to make this any better._

_"NO! YOU GUYS DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE EVERY LAST BIT OF INNOCENCE STOLEN IN ONE FUCKING NIGHT!" Austin's still screaming- and his tone is scaring me. "SO DO ME A FUCKING FAVOR, AND UNTIL YOU _DO _KNOW HOW IT FEELS, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, AND _STAY _THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU, HEAR YOU, OR EVEN FEEL YOUR GODDAMN PRESENCE WITHIN TWO FEET FROM ME!"_

_I nod wordlessly, rising to my feet and slipping out of the room. The door is see-through, so I stand on the side, unseen by him. I can still see his entire body- and that's an advantage._

_But my eyes widen, as he begins to sob. Hysterical, choked sobs wrack his body, as he curls into a ball, and cries. Long- inhuman sounds are faintly heard, and I'm absolutely sure- my heart just broke in two._

"Oh my fucking _god_…" Rocky whispers, his eyes wide. "Holy mother of…"

I nod, sighing heavily. "That was just one instance- there are more than that. He was a horrid mess for a long time afterward- it took almost three months to get him to where he was when Riker found him. Still extremely suicidal, but mentally sane enough that we didn't have to watch his every move."

* * *

The burden of telling his story greatly impacts Austin. For a while- his actions mirror the ones right after his rape. He's truly beginning to scare me- especially since- it's been seven weeks since Riker fell into a coma.

A doctor steps out into the waiting room, and walks over to where Rocky and Ratliff are curled together. He talks to them in an urgent voice, relaying information, and my eyes widen- wen I see Ratliff jump up and hand Rocky his crutches. Rocky nods to the man in front of them multiple times, a smile crossing his face, and it only feeds my curiosity.

When the man walks back to the reception desk, Ratliff runs over to his- eyes widen and grin big. "Riker's awake," he says breathlessly.

For a moment, I don't react- but Austin stiffens in my arms.

"We can see him," Rocky continues. "Dez, bring Austin. Ratliff and I are going on ahead."

I nod slightly, and stand, cradling Austin in my arms.

"He's awake…" Austin murmurs happily. "He's fucking awake."

"I know," I reply. "I know."

I follow Rocky down the series of hallways- and stand in front of the door to Riker's hospital room. He glances at me and holds up a hand, following Ratliff into the room. They don't completely close the door, so I can hear what's going on- as I wait for Austin's turn.

"_Austin saved me?_" Riker's tone is bitter and angered- eliciting surprise in me. I wouldn't expect him to be so damn pissed that he didn't die. Austin tenses- he's heard it too, and his name was obviously used in a negative manner.

"_Well, you tell Austin_," Riker growls. _"That he's a fucking asshole for saving me, and that I fucking hate him. Tell him to go to hell."_

* * *

**Before you people murder me- Riker's reaction _is_ normal. He'll redeem himself next chapter- don't worry. But- thoughts? On the entire rape thing, _and_ Riker's awakening? I'd love to know what your opinions were. Thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	25. Chapter 24

**Trigger warning- suicide, self-harm, and depression. Mentions of anorexia- but they're extremely minor. Enjoy.**

* * *

"He hates me."

Austin's words hold no emotion. He stares right through me, his eyes glazing over. "He fucking hates my guts. He wants me to go to hell. He wants me to die."

"Aus-"

"No." His voice is steely calm. "Put me down."

"Are you alright?"

"Put. Me. Down," Austin growls.

He's clearly distressed- and I don't want to worsen it, so I nod, lowering him to the ground. He winces for a second, as he straightens, but the look disappears from his face in a matter of seconds.

"Don't come after me," he mutters, shoving his hands in his pockets, and heading back for the waiting room.

My heart clenches in fear, as I watch him- but I know that it's better to leave him alone. Besides- I do have words for Riker. He should be grateful to Austin- and I'm honestly pissed at him for that shit he said.

Without stopping to think about it, I barge into his hospital room, fury burning in my mind.

* * *

Dez enters my hospital room with a murderous look on his face- and I don't care. I don't care about anything- I'm just fucking pissed that this didn't work. I wanted to fucking die- not for Austin to make sure I didn't bleed out. I'm never successful with this type of shit- I was an idiot for thinking it would work.

Rocky is trying to reason with me- and Ratliff ran out of the room- not before giving me a death glare. He's obviously gone to comfort Austin- but I don't want to think about him right now.

"Alright Riker, what the _fuck_ was that?!" Dez growls, his eyes flashing.

"The truth," I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest. "Weren't you listening?"

"I heard every goddamn word," Dez replies. "And so did Austin. How fucking selfish _are_ you?! He saved your goddamn life. Do you know how badly you fucking scared him?! Do you know how badly it fucking traumatized him- finding your almost dead body on the goddamn bathroom floor?! He _saved_ you. And you basically told him to kill himself."

I open my mouth to say something, but he holds up a hand. "I'm not finished. You don't know this- but last week- we managed to get him to tell the story of his goddamn rape. And god fucking dammit, Riker, he really wanted you there. He needed you there. He loves all four of you guys the fucking same- but you saved him. And he feels closest to you. Your fucking words had more of an impact on him than _anything_ Ally could've said to him, you fucking asshole."

My eyes widen. A cold sweat washes over me- as I heed his words. My stomach rolls, as everything finally sets in. "Shit…"

"Shit is right," Dez snorts. "What the fuck were you _thinking_?!"

"I don't know," I mumble. "I don't fucking know. I was a fucking asshole. I _am_ a fucking asshole. I guess I was just so caught up in wanting to die. This was my second attempt, and I was just extremely frustrated that it didn't work…"

* * *

"Austin!"

I glance up, wiping the tears from my cheeks. Ratliff is running toward me, his face lined with concern. I sigh angrily, brushing more tears away. Why did he feel the need to follow me? I'm fucking fine- I don't need to be checked upon every five goddamn minutes. I'm not that fragile.

"What do you want?" I grumble, as he drops down onto the bench next to me.

"I'm sorry," he says breathlessly. "Riker shouldn't have said that. It was uncalled for and absolutely awful, and I'm so sorry you had to hear it."

"Don't be sorry," I reply. "You didn't say it. And it's the truth- so who cares? It's better me hearing it early, than hurting you all by being here- and realizing it much later."

"Austin." Ratliff shakes his head. "Riker did _not_ speak the truth. We _love_ you. We are not hurting by you being here- you actually made everything better for us. We were honestly about to lose hope, before you showed up- a ray of sunshine falling on our previously awful lives."

"They haven't gotten any better with me here," I sigh. "You and Riker attempted suicide- Rocky got into a car accident, Rydel probably relapsed with anorexia- and I am no better. We're all still so damn fucked up."

"It may be so," Ratliff agrees. "But we're still a family."

"A fucked up, dysfunctional family," I mumble. "Admit it, we're a fucking mess."

"I'm not gonna lie- we _are_ a mess," Ratliff replies. "But we're not unfixable. I attempted suicide on impulse, Aus. I didn't know what I was thinking- I honestly _wasn't_ thinking. I'm _glad_ I didn't die."

"Riker isn't," I say bitterly. "He hates me for saving him. He wants me to die. He wants me to go to hell."

"No." Ratliff's tone is steely calm. "No, he doesn't. He saved you, Austin. He loves you so much- he was just angry. When you attempt suicide, and it doesn't work- you're honestly pissed. You don't want to blame yourself- though it _is_ your fault- so you pick someone to blame for it. I did that to Rocky. I don't know if you read his part of my suicide note- but I basically told him that his negligence was the reason I tried to end it. I wanted to blame someone that wasn't me- and he was the easiest person to put the blame on. That's exactly what Riker's done to you. And it's horrible and awful and I can promise you that Dez and Rocky are chewing him out right now- what he said has no meaning."

"It means something to me, Ratliff," I mutter. "Riker saved me, yes. He's the one I'm closest to- and his words have more of an impact on me than anything else. I listen to his words- and read into them so much- because I owe my life to him, and I honestly wouldn't be here- if it wasn't for him. No matter how much you try to convince me otherwise- the fact that he told me to go to hell- to die- will always stay with me."

* * *

I'm discharged a couple hours later- and I immediately ask Rydel to drive me home. She's still barely speaking to me- none of them are happy with me right now- and I honestly don't blame them. What I said to Austin was unforgivable- he has every right to hate my fucking ass.

He, Rocky, Ratliff, and Dez are home already- I can see why they didn't want to remain at the hospital. Rydel only stayed because she had to drive me- I'm not allowed to drive for at least a week- because of the many stitches on my arm.

Rydel parks in our driveway, and I open my door- immediately jumping out and running for the house. There's something I have to do. Something I have to say. Austin deserves one thousand million apologies for what I said- but I need to find him first. Find him- and hope he's alright. Mentally sane, at least. I doubt anyone in his situation would be okay right now.

I run straight for the room I share with Rydel. Well- Rydel and Austin. His stuff is all in my room- he didn't want to bother with a room of his own- and he usually sleeps with me most nights- so it works out. He'll most likely be in here- I hope. I crack open the door, praying with everything I have in me- that he's not cutting himself. He doesn't deserve to hurt himself over a dickhead like me.

But what I see almost makes me want to vomit.

Austin is sitting on my bed- but there's a pill bottle next to him- and one in his hands. He looks up when I enter- his facial expression betraying nothing.

"What is it, Riker?" He asks in a monotone. His tone breaks my heart- I really did some damage to him…especially with the pills. He cannot kill himself- I will not let that happen. It's the least I can do- I have to make it up to him somehow.

"Put the pill bottle down, Austin," I reply, walking closer.

"Pfft. You probably want to see me swallow all these. After all, I should go to hell, right?" He scoffs.

"Austin- I didn't mean it. I love you so much- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean any of what I said. I'm so glad you saved me- so goddamn thankful. You're such an amazing, selfless, and beautiful person- and you didn't deserve it."

"It's too late for that," he mutters. "You told me the truth. You confirmed what I'd been thinking all along. So- I thank you for that. But it's time for me to go. For me to get out of your lives- and stop screwing them up. You've gone through over two months of hell with me- and I'm going to finally put you at peace."

"NO!" I scream. "Don't you fucking _dare_!"

He shakes his head, unscrewing the cap of the bottle in his hands, and dumping the contents into his cupped palms. The amount of tiny pills he's holding- truly terrify me to the bone. I'm crying, tears streaking my cheeks, as I beg.

"Austin, no!" I cry. "Don't fucking leave me, I'm _sorry_! I'm _so sorry_!" I attempt to pull him into my arms, but he shoves me away- with newfound strength that shocks the hell out of me.

"You did me a favor, Rik," he says softly. "Thank you. I love you all- don't forget that. Try not to forget me, yeah? I don't blame you for anything you've said- I deserved it, after all. Don't feel guilty- and don't let the others blame you for it. This is entirely my own doing."

And then- he swallows the pills in a single gulp.

* * *

**So- I'm probably gonna get murdered, right? Well...I'm not telling you what's up next chapter- but Austin's life is hanging by a single thread. 160 reviews, and you'll get the chapter early. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	26. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25. It's about time. Well, I think I've kept you guys waiting long enough, so trigger warning- depression, suicide, and self-harm. And I'm gonna shut up and let you guys read.**

* * *

"AUSTIN!"

I pull him into my arms, as his body starts to go limp. His eyes begin to drift shut, and cold, hard fear bubbles in my stomach, as I shake my head vigorously. There's no time to think now- it's all about acting on instinct.

"No, Aus, baby no, please don't close your eyes," I beg, crawling my way into the bathroom, and leaning him over the toilet. "You need to puke the pills up. Come on baby, please, you gotta do this for me. I'm so sorry. I love you so much- you have every right to hate me, but you can't die. Please, Austin, please."

"Rik…" he slurs, his words already extremely incoherent. He leans drowsily against me, while I try my best to keep him awake. The pills have already begun to take effect- and how fast they've worked is scaring me.

"You need to throw the pills up, love. Come on, please…"

The door to the bathroom bursts open, and I hear my siblings' gasps as they take in the scene.

"Riker, did he take something?! What the _fuck_ did he take?!" Rocky's voice is urgent- desperate and laced with fear.

"He swallowed an entire bottle of pills," I reply, still trying to coax Austin to throw them up. "He needs to puke them up."

Rocky nudges my shoulder, and I take that as a hint to transfer Austin to him- which I do in the next second.

"This is your fucking fault, you fucking bastard!" In a matter of seconds, I'm pressed against the wall by Ratliff. He glares at me, fury in his eyes. Fear seeps into my stomach- Ratliff is definitely threatening when he wants to be, and I don't want to anger him further.

"God he's not fucking breathing! Austin! Come on, you need to hang on! Rydel, call the fucking paramedics!"

Ratliff stares at me, tears streaking his cheeks. "IS THIS WHAT YOU FUCKING WANTED?! HE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU, RIKER! DEAD!"

I cringe back, refusing to meet his gaze, as tears come pouring down my own cheeks.

"Ratliff," Rocky says wearily. "Austin is not fucking dead- stop fucking saying it. Let Riker go. He didn't know Austin would do something like this- it isn't his fault."

"No," I whisper hoarsely. "Ratliff's right. It _is_ my fault."

* * *

"They're pumping his stomach. He's gonna be okay."

Ratliff slumps onto Rydel's lap, closing his eyes briefly. He adjusts himself a bit, ignoring Rydel's complaints, and lifts his head up to glare at me. "No thanks to Riker."

I'm in guilt hell right now. I know that this is my fault- I know that the stitches on my left arm are also my fault. They're blaming me for attempting suicide, blaming me for pushing Austin over the edge, and possibly even blaming me for being me. I'm sorry I'm not enough for them. Sorry I reacted normally after waking up from a seven-week coma. Even though my reaction to Austin saving me was disgusting- it was _normal_.

And if they haven't realized it yet- I attempted to kill myself, and I _almost did_. Negativity will only hurt me more- and push me to try _again_- which I am seriously considering. Only this time- I'm going to shoot myself in the head. Even if they get me to the hospital- I won't be able to be saved- and that's exactly what I'm going for.

Everything is happening so fast. Time is spiraling around me- and I feel like life just threw another curveball- as if to say, 'you thought things would start getting better? guess again, asshole'- and I'm not ready for it.

* * *

Honestly, I don't know what to feel right now. Riker was the reason Austin was pushed off the edge- but it isn't his fault- no matter how much Rydel and Ratliff try to make it seem like it is. I'm surprised Rydel blames him- she's always had a soft spot for her twin- and after seeing him cry once- because of her- she's become careful with her words.

But they're both being blatantly rude to him- worried about Austin. Speaking of him- our baby brother is gonna be okay, they're pumping his stomach, and once they do, he'll be okay- ready for visitors- thought I'm not sure what his mental state will be when we see him- I imagine it'll be similar to Riker's, when he first woke up.

I just…everything has happened so fast. The events of Austin's rape, Riker waking up from his coma, him yelling at Austin, and now Austin attempting to kill himself. As of right now- Rydel is the only one we haven't seen in a hospital bed, and I don't want her to complete the hospital saga.

Austin's been here twice, once because of his knee surgery, and now this. I was in that car accident, Ratliff had two breakdowns- one almost eight months ago, and the other less than two months ago. And Riker tried to kill himself twice in the timespan of four months. God, we're fucked up. And I don't think I realized it until now.

I'm jerked out of my thoughts, when I feel a weight on my left shoulder. Turning my head to the side, I glance at Riker, and his eyes widen when he sees me. He lifts his head from my body, panic swimming in his eyes.

"Sorry," he whispers.

"No, Rik…"

But it's too late- he's already risen to his feet, and begun the journey to the entrance of the hospital.

* * *

I collapse in one of the benches outside the hospital, shuddering. Heaving a shaky sigh, close my eyes briefly. My blade is in my pocket- gleaming with release, but I thought I knew better. I thought I wouldn't succumb to its calls, but I am not strong.

Fingers trembling violently, I pull the razor from my pocket, and turn it over in my hand. It gleams- the only dull points being covered in red. Covered in my blood. It's a calming sight- especially since I'm such a goddamn emotional mess, and I need to see my own goddamn blood to calm myself down.

I'm just so hurt. Ratliff and Rydel hate me- and I'm just so sorry for even existing. I know that I've brought them nothing but pain, and god, they didn't deserve it. I know that I don't deserve to be here. I'm nothing- I deserve to be killed in the most painful way possible. I just want it to end. Either let me die, or love me.

I want the love- I need it. I'm the second oldest- but that doesn't mean I'm a robot, or made of steel. I'm human as well- and I need to know that I'm loved… I woke up from a seven-week coma, to shouts and reprimandation, and just harsh words. I don't know why they'd do that- don't they know that I'm at high risk of trying again?

And they just managed to push me over the edge. Rydel and Ratliff- by extension, Rocky- are my siblings. Their opinions of me hurt the most- because they are the people I've grown up with. I practically raised Rydel- I was the older brother- even though I'm only older by ten minutes- I was always her protector. And now she can't even stand to be in the same room as me.

Austin probably hates me too. He's in the hospital because of me. He had to get his stomach pumped because of me. He could've died because of me. I just don't know what to do. Except for killing myself- I don't think there's any other way to fix this. It just hurts so much, and I don't know how to repair my broken relationships with my siblings.

I'm sorry. Is that what they want to hear? I couldn't be more sorrier in my entire life. I love Austin so much- and I did not mean to make him do that. I didn't mean anything I said. I was just angry. I wanted to die and it didn't work. I think I had a right to be angry, but I guess not.

I guess I have to be emotionless Riker- the guy who can never think of himself- and who has to do whatever his siblings want, and be whatever his siblings want- or he gets shunned.

This time- I feel no regret when I begin to slash into my wrist.

* * *

"You can see him now. He's stable."

Ratliff nods to the nurse's retreating figure, turning back to us. "No thanks to Riker. If it weren't for him, we wouldn't _be_ here."

I watch Riker's face carefully, as Rydel nods in agreement. Pain pools in his eyes- and part of me wants to reprimand them, but a niggling other part of me thinks they're right. After all, they're the ones who stuck by Austin when he needed them- while all Riker did was push him over the edge.

Jerking myself from my thoughts, I push Ratliff off my lap and stand, stretching as a yawn escapes my lips. Ratliff grabs Rydel's hand, and they follow the doctor. Riker's eyes flash with pain- as he rises to his feet, making no eye contact with me, as he trails behind them.

He doesn't want to be bothered, and I honestly have nothing to say to him. I feel like if I open my mouth, I'll end up cursing him out. As much as I am disappointed in his actions, I really don't think he deserves to go through that.

He's falling apart in front of me- and I'm not sure how to go about this.

* * *

I can't say I'm glad Riker saved me. I know how it feels now- the anger toward the person that kept you hanging on- I understand why he reacted the way he did, and to be goddamn honest, I don't blame him in the slightest. I know his mindset exactly- and what he said is completely justified. I've forgiven him completely- because it's taking all my strength not to lash out in the same way.

When my siblings enter the room, sticky tension fills the air. It's only a matter of seconds before Ratliff throws himself at me, latching onto my neck. The glimpse I caught of his face shows me obvious tears in his eyes,

"Don't ever scare me like that a-again," he scolds shakily. "If you were feeling like that- because Riker's a dickhead- you could've come to us."

Rydel nods in agreement, and my eyes widen. "Why are you calling Rik a dickhead? He didn't do anything wrong."

"Bullshit," Ratliff mutters darkly. "He's the reason you did this." He glares at our blonde brother, and my heart breaks, as Riker flinches under his stare. Agony builds in his gaze, and he bites down hard on his lip- I know he's forcing himself not to cry.

"No," I say firmly. "And you guys need to stop. He just woke up from a goddamn seven-week coma! After trying to fucking _kill_ _himself_! He tried to end his fucking life- he's already _been_ pushed over the edge! It is not his fucking fault that I did this. _I _did this. It is completely, solely, one hundred percent- _my _fault. I'm the one who swallowed those pills. He didn't shove the goddamn pills down my throat, nor did he say one thing about how I should overdose. I would've done it either way- I'm so fucking far gone, I had this planned out for a while. If Riker hadn't tried to kill himself, trust me, it would've been my body on the bathroom floor. Do you guys not see how badly you're damaging him?!" I take a breath, my nostrils flaring as I glare at my siblings. "You say he's the reason I did this- but _you guys_ just might be the reason he tries again. And need I remind you, it'll be his _third time_?"

* * *

**Finally, a new chapter. So, question. I tried to make it so- even though you ****guys were angry at Riker in the last chapter, you felt sorry for him in this one. How'd that go? I'd love to hear what you guys thought. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	27. Chapter 26

**Trigger warning- self-harm, depression, mentions of suicide. Enjoy.**

* * *

Without waiting for any kind of answer, I shift my gaze to Riker, sitting up in bed. "Come here, Rik."

He shakes his head. "You don't have to defend me. They're right. I deserve to die." His voice is shaky- hoarse and full of pain- the sound wrenches my heart.

"No, don't say that. Don't you dare say that. Come here, please." I hold open my arms, and Riker sighs heavily. He nods slightly, casting a fearful glance at our three other siblings. He crawls onto the bed, and scoots in next to me. I wrap my arms around him immediately, hugging him tightly.

"I love you so much, Rik," I say gently.

"Oh god, Riker…" Rocky mutters. "I'm so sorry, Rik…"

Riker shakes his head slightly, burying his face in my neck. I can feel him begin to cry, his tears creating dampness on my skin. His body gives a shudder, and then he's crying harder, trying his best to hold it in- but breaking at the same time.

"Give us a minute?" I ask, kissing his hair gently. "Lemme calm him down."

Ratliff and Rydel follow Rocky wordlessly out the door, and I turn my full attention to Riker. "You're not okay, are you, Rik? What have you done to yourself…? What have _they_ done to you…?"

Riker sighs heavily. "It just hurts…"

"I know," I sigh. "I know. But they're going to apologize. And you don't need to go near them for a while. Just stay with me."

"I just…I don't know what we're going to do anymore, Aus," Riker mutters. "What's going to happen to us? I don't want to go to therapy. I don't want to be shipped off to some goddamn loony bin…"

"I don't know what's going to happen to us, Rik," I reply. "I honestly don't know."

* * *

"We're assholes."

Rocky's words are full of exhaustion, as he turns back to face us. We're standing right outside Austin's hospital room- we don't want to be too far in case something happens, but being this close also means we can hear muffled sobs coming from behind the door. _Riker's_ muffled sobs.

Ratliff cringes. "I had no idea…I didn't know we were hurting him so much, god…"

I nod slightly, sighing. "Same. I just…oh god, Riker…"

I can't believe I did that to him. He's my twin brother- my best friend- and I hurt him so badly he wants to kill himself _again_? I'm just so angry with myself right now- I can't believe I was such a snarky bitch to him. He didn't deserve it- his reaction did prove to be normal, and if Austin forgives him, I guess I can do the same.

"We were so rude to him…" Rocky mutters. "I wouldn't be surprised if he never forgives us…"

"I just…I want to go in there and hold him," Ratliff says. "Hold him tight, and never let him go. I never want to hear myself say things like that to him ever again, because he's so fragile, and those words are just chipping away at him. It hurt to watch him, just now…"

"Yeah," I agree, hanging my head. "He needed us and all we did was break him. At least Austin has some sense. Otherwise, we may've had to go through another coma- and be without Riker for another longer period of time…"

Rocky exhales a heavy breath. "Alright. Instead of wallowing in our own guilt, let's be productive. I'm gonna run home and grab some blankets, Riker his laptop, and some other shit I think we need. Either of you wanna come with?"

"I'll come," I reply.

* * *

"Are you okay now?"

Austin looks at me worriedly, as I lift my tearstained face from his shoulder. He reaches up to brush my bangs from my eyes, the concern never leaving his gaze.

"I guess…" I say, my voice coming out extremely hoarse, raw from the tears.

Austin sighs. "It isn't going to get better in the matter of an hour- I found that out the hard way- but you're so strong, Rik. You're gonna get through this. We've got you every step of the way."

"They hate me," I mutter, angrily wiping tears from my cheeks. "All three of them hate me. And Dez hates me too. God, Aus…"

Austin shakes his head. "They don't hate you. There's nothing to hate about you, Rik. They know that what they did was wrong. They know that it was completely out of line, and god, you didn't fucking deserve that. I hate that they did that to you…"

Shaking my head, I roll up my sleeves and hold out my arms. "They didn't do this to me. I did this to myself."

"You've got a point," Austin says thoughtfully. "But their words weren't tolerable at all. Dez's, especially. I'm gonna talk to him about that. He had no right to berate you like that- I know exactly what you were thinking when you woke up- and trust me, it took all my self-control not to do the same, and lash out at one of you guys. It's just so easy to put the blame on someone that isn't yourself."

He winces, and that catches my attention. I'm alert immediately, looking him over with worried eyes. "What hurts, Aus?"

He waves a hand. "Nothing, it's fine."

"Austin," I say firmly. "It is _not_ fine. Let me worry about you. You just tried to overdose, for fuck's sakes."

Austin sighs heavily. "My stomach just kinda hurts. It's nothing, Rik. Really, I'm okay."

"Can you just let me hold you for a while? I just…I need to hold you because last time I did you were slipping away in my arms and…" I ramble, trailing off and looking at him in desperation.

"Course, Rik," he replies, pulling himself onto my chest. He flops onto his stomach and nuzzles into my neck. "This okay?"

"Perfect," I smile, leaning down to drop a kiss on his messy hair. "Absolutely perfect."

* * *

"Riker? Can we…talk?"

Ratliff stands nervously at the entrance to Austin's hospital room, his hands in his pockets and fear evident on his face.

I sigh heavily, nodding. "Yeah, hang on." Scooting out from underneath Austin's body, I ease him back down to his pillows, kissing his forehead gently. He mumbles in his sleep, draping an arm over his face.

"What is it?" I ask, when Ratliff and I exit the room.

"I'm sorry," he says immediately. "I'm so sorry for what I did, and what I said, and just everything, Riker. You didn't deserve it, and I'm a dickhead for saying it."

"Are you apologizing because you're actually remorseful, or because Austin yelled at you?" I ask bitterly, shoving my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt and turning away.

"Because I'm actually remorseful," Ratliff replies. "Rik, you're my older brother, and I realize now how much I actually hurt you. I'm sorry, really, I am. You gotta believe me…" He trails off, and when I glance back at him, I see tears building in his eyes.

I sigh heavily. "Okay…I guess I can forgive you for it, then…"

"You shouldn't," Ratliff whispers. "I don't deserve that. You don't have to. You can hate me, if you want."

"I don't want," I mumble. "I don't want to hate you, Ell. You're my little bro."

Ratliff shakes his head. "Please…I don't deserve that…"

I pull him to me at just the right moment. Cradling him into my chest, I rub his back, as he begins to sob into the fabric of my sweatshirt. I exhale a heavy breath, leaning down to drop multiple kisses on his head.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!" Ratliff sobs.

"I know," I soothe, rubbing his back. "I know, it's okay, I know."

* * *

"Alright, we're back."

Rocky enters the room with Rydel at his side, eyes widening at the sight of us. "What the hell happened to him?!"

"He cried himself into a half-sleep," Riker replies, shifting Ratliff's body in his arms. "He was exhausted. He apologized to me, and just broke down after that. I think all that's gone on in the past few weeks finally got to him. And Austin did fall asleep for a while."

I nod in agreement to his last sentence. "Yeah, I'm still tired though. I hate these goddamn nightmares."

"We'll figure out how to ward those off," Rydel replies gently. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," I sigh. "Should be able to go home in a couple hours."

"Right, that works," Rocky answers.

"Shit, guys!"

My attention is immediately turned to Riker. "What?"

"It's Ratliff," he says worriedly. "His breathing is getting shallower. It's almost like he isn't breathing!"

* * *

**So...what's up with Ratliff? Well, that's for me to know, and for you guys to find out. 70 reviews, and you'll get the next chapter early. THanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	28. Chapter 27

**I'm sorry this is late, guys. I had an orchestra concert today, and a shitload of homework to do. Finals are coming up, so updates might be later than normal. Trigger warning- anorexia and depression.**

* * *

"WHAT?!"

"Wake him up! He's fine!"

"What if it's sleep apnea?!"

"He doesn't fucking have sleep apnea Rydel, don't fucking say that!"

I shake Ratliff's shoulders roughly, tears building in my eyes. "Ratliff, come on! We love you, come on, goddammit!"

Ratliff chokes, coughing furiously. He blinks, his eyes lidded and half-closed. "My chest hurts, what the fuck happened…?"

"Oh my god, Ell," I whisper, clutching him tighter to my chest. "You started breathing really weird and scared all of us, don't fucking do that."

Ratliff coughs dryly. "Panic attack."

"What?" Rocky asks in disbelief. "Since when do _you_ get panic attacks? I thought that was only Rydel and Austin…"

He shakes his head. "No, I have them too…just never told you guys because I didn't want you to worry…"

I stare at him in shock. "You mean to tell me, that you've been having _panic attacks_ for the past few months and you never thought about _telling us_?"

"Make it the past few years," Ratliff mumbles. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you guys. I just can't help myself. I panic, and sometimes when I sleep, it shallows my breathing, and I wake up with chest pain. It goes away within the hour, and then I'm okay, so I didn't think it was that important."

"Oh, Ell…" Austin mutters. "You gotta tell us shit like this, we need to know."

"He's right," Rydel nods. "If it's affecting your health, you sure as hell need to let us know about it."

I sigh, shifting him in my arms, so he's laying across my lap. I'm supporting his head with one arm, and keeping the other one under his knees. "You scared us…"

"I know," Ratliff replies. "M'sorry. I didn't mean to. Usually it only flares up when I'm alone, but after I apologized to you, Rik, I was a mess, and I guess that triggered it…"

"Come here," Rocky says hollowly. "Please."

He holds open his arms, and Ratliff smiles faintly at me, before sliding off my lap, and scooting into our oldest brother's embrace. Rocky squeezes him tightly, dropping repeated kisses on his hair and whispering in his ear.

They've always been close. Like me and Rydel, those two have always had a close relationship- maybe it's because they saved each other.

"It's my turn after you, Rocky," Austin calls.

"Excuse you? I get him afterward!" Rydel protests.

"You act like I'm a toy," Ratliff snorts. "No calling dibs on me. And what if I wanna stay in Rocky's arms the entire night?"

"Then I'll _pull_ you away."

* * *

"You guys good?"

I glance at both Ratliff and Austin, before turning my gaze to Rydel and Riker. "We all good?"

"Yes," Austin replies for all of them. "Please drive us home. This hospital is depressing me."

"Join the club on that one," Rydel mutters. "I think it's making me not want to eat even more…" Her eyes widen. "Did I just say that out loud?"

"Yes, you did," Riker replies immediately. "Wanna tell us what that was about?"

"Not really," Rydel mumbles. "I'm fine."

"You aren't," Austin speaks up. "And we haven't paid you enough attention in the past few weeks…"

"It's okay, Aus, really," Rydel sighs. "I'm used to it."

"You shouldn't be," I grumble. "We're shitty siblings, god…when did we become so damn selfish?"

"Stop beating yourself up. I'm the one that decided not to tell you guys. But I did now, didn't I? So you can shove food down my throat all you want."

Ratliff stares at her. "Is that really what you think we're trying to do? Force feed you to satisfy _us_?"

"Goddammit Rydel, we _love_ you. We want you to eat, because we don't want to see you in one of those goddamn hospital beds! You need to eat- you need to fucking eat if you want to continue living! It's not a fucking punishment, and we're not doing it because we hate you. We're doing it because we're your brothers and we want to make sure you're healthy," Riker bursts out, his chest heaving.

"Riker's right," I agree, hitting the brakes as we come to a stoplight. "We only want what's best for you."

"Oh, don't give me that bullshit," Rydel grumbles. "What's best for me- is not eating, because if you haven't noticed, I've put on five pounds!"

"Yes, and you're still underweight! You're 18 years old, and you're barely 115 pounds! That's severely underweight," Ratliff points out. "I weigh more than that, and I'm two years younger than you!"

"What about Austin?" Rydel asks. "I bet he weighs less."

"I'm 15, Rydel," Austin sighs. "And I'm also underweight. I fucking eat, I just did a lot of running before I met you guys. I used to eat, then run it off. I eat, but I don't gain weight- that's how I stay the way I am. You are in no way fat. I'm a guy, and guys and girls are completely different."

"That's crap," Rydel persists, crossing her arms over her chest.

"He's _three_ years younger than you, of course he's gonna weigh less! You are not fat, and I can prove it to you!" Riker exclaims.

"How?"

"I'll show you."

* * *

"See?" I say, pointing to my laptop screen. "This is a BMI calculator. Your BMI is 17.5, and anything below 18.5 is considered underweight. Do you believe me now?"

Rydel shakes her head. "Check Austin's."

"Alright, hang on." I stare at the computer, after typing in Austin's information. "Aus, yours is 16.1…"

"I know," Austin mutters. "I'm underweight, but I eat. You've seen me eat, and I don't throw it up afterward. I just used to run a lot. I have a fast metabolism."

"And mine is slow," Rydel says. "I eat, and then I see it on the scale a couple hours later."

"Oh, really?" I reply, turning around to face her. "Then explain why you've only gained five pounds in the span of a year and a half. You don't need to diet, babygirl. I love you, and I want you healthy…"

I reach for her, pulling her down into my lap and kissing the side of her head. "What would I do without the other half of the twin squad?"

"Are you seriously bringing that up again?!"

"Shut _up_, Ratliff!" Austin mutters. "It's cute."

"Cute? More like nauseating," Ratliff grumbles. "They do this _all_ the time…"

"So do you and Rocky," Austin points out. "Can't argue there."

"Alright, you got me. Let's go play some pool, leave them alone for a bit," Ratliff suggests. Austin nods, and Ratliff pulls him to his feet, leading him down into the basement. Rocky's down there too, he said he wanted to try and do some songwriting- it calms him down.

"But seriously Ry, do you get it? You gotta eat, babygirl," I whisper.

"It's just hard, Rik," she sighs. "I've hated my body for so long…"

"I know," I sigh. "I really do know. It's hard, and I get it. But you're strong, and you've shown us that you're a fighter. I know it hurts to eat, because you think you're fat, but god, you're really not."

"Rik?"

"Yeah, love?"

"I'm sorry I was a bitch to you… I didn't mean it, I love you…"

I exhale a heavy breath. "I've forgiven you already. You were blinded by grief- it's okay."

* * *

"Alright, from this point onward, no more secrets, no more lies, and no more being assholes to each other, are we clear?"

"Yes," Ratliff says. "You've repeated this at least five times." He smirks at Rocky, squeezing me tighter. I lift my head, looking over Ratliff's body- at our oldest brother. He shakes his head at me, and I grin. Sighing, I flop back down, curling back into Ratliff's arms.

I snort. "More like ten. We're good, Rocky, really."

"Wait, are Rik and Ry asleep already?"

We're sleeping in the basement- on the floor- tonight. I've got my head buried in Ratliff's shirt, and his head is in the crook of my neck. Rocky's spooning him from behind, and Riker and Rydel are curled up behind him, cuddling in some way that's unknown to us. We haven't really heard much from them in the last couple minutes.

"Yeah, they're out," Rocky mutters. "Speaking of, you two should sleep as well. It's almost one am."

"Ugh…do we have to?" Ratliff whines. "We don't have to get up early tomorrow…"

"Nope, but we're going to the gym, remember? Rydel said she'd start eating, if she could work out as well, and I thought it'd be good for _all_ of us. Plus, Aus, you gotta strengthen your knee, and I need to do the same for my leg."

"Shit, yeah, I forgot. What time?"

"'Round ten-thirty. I figured we could grab lunch from somewhere, that way."

"Alright." After Ratliff answers, a silence drapes over the room. I smile faintly, pushing my nose further against his chest.

"Love you guys," I whisper, as sleep begins to overtake me. "I love you guys so much."

* * *

**So, I've felt that Rydel's been pretty ignored in the story- this is her storyline. And trust me, it's not gonna be smooth sailing for her, either ;) Anyways- 80 reviews, and I'll have the next chapter up earlier. Thanks for reading- I hope you guys enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	29. Chapter 28

**Hey, so this is kinda short, but necessary for progression. Trigger warning- anorexia and mentions of depression.**

* * *

"Alright, where are you guys going?"

Austin scrolls through songs on his phone, shoving his earbuds in. "Track. I need to run."

"I'll join you," Riker seconds, pulling his headphones from his pocket and shoving them into the socket of his phone. "I used to run track in high school, let's see if I've still got the speed now."

"Don't race, I swear to fucking god, if one of you gets hurt, I'm gonna end you both," I threaten.

"Relax, Rocky, you worry too much." Austin grins at me.

"I have the right now, goddammit," I grumble. "You guys keep getting hurt. I'll die of stress one day, thanks to you four."

Rydel tightens her ponytail. "I wanna try running too."

"I fourth that," Ratliff laughs. "I dunno if that's even possible, but I just did it."

"If y'all are all heading up to the track, I may as well come," I sigh. "At least I brought my headphones."

"I don't understand the people that run without music. I need it- it's my motivation," Austin murmurs.

"Ah, shut up about motivation. We had to_ drag _your ass outta bed this morning!"

"Once I run, I'll feel better," Austin assures us. "Running releases endorphins, that's why it makes you feel good. After I run a few laps, I'll zone out and overlap you all at least three times."

"Speaking of running," Rydel mutters. "Can we actually go up to the track? We look like idiots, just standing here."

* * *

"How many laps is a mile?"

"Sixteen on the outer circle, eighteen on the inner," I reply, selecting my running playlist. Music blares in my ears, as I slide my phone back into my pocket and begin to stretch. My knee twinges in slight pain, but I barely feel it. I just hope it doesn't buckle or give out on me.

"Aus?"

I look up, into Riker's eyes. "Yeah?"

"Don't overdo it. You're barely healed. We don't want you on crutches again. If your knee hurts, stop. Please."

"I will," I promise.

He nods slightly. "Alright. You guys ready?"

"Let's do this."

* * *

Running feels so good.

I almost forgot what a runner's high felt like, but I'm reliving it right now, and damn, it feels like heaven. Maybe I should run, instead of cutting like crazy. It calms me and makes me feel good, just like self-harming.

She Looks So Perfect- by 5 Seconds of Summer- blares in my ears, and I pick up my pace to match the beat of the song. I've already sailed through my first mile- finishing in around 7:24, and I'm almost done with mile number two. Riker's just behind me- about a lap behind. Rocky and Ratliff are like, three behind- and I can tell Rydel doesn't like running- I'm five laps ahead of her.

I put on another burst of speed, catching up to my sister, and slowing my pace down to match hers, as I get to her. I lower my music a bit, allowing myself to catch my breath. "Hey Ry, how're you holding up?"

She groans. Her face is red- covered in perspiration, and I can hear her heavy panting without even listening for it. "Aus, I hate this. How…do you…run…so fast?"

"Practice," I reply. "I used to run like, five miles daily. I needed to get away. My parents were being assholes, and so were Ally, Trish, and Dez. I needed to find an outlet, and this was it. I pushed myself hard, and it hurt, and I liked it."

"Makes sense," she puffs. "Go ahead. You wanna sprint, don't let me hold you back."

"Love you, Ry," I smile, turning my music back on, and racing forward. My legs propel me forward, any sense of tiredness gone. My knee is fine- it hasn't caused me any type of pain, and that's great. I need to get back into running- I really need it.

I'm just about to finish mile 2- I have a quarter of a lap left. As I sail through it, a feeling of warmth spreads through me. I finally feel like things are looking up- things could get better. Maybe I can live a happy life.

Grow old with my siblings, have fun with them, and live life the way it's meant to be lived- to its fullest. I don't think I've actually enjoyed much of it- until now. It's starting to finally get better- and maybe, just maybe- I can stop cutting and actually heal from this.

It's what I want, after all. To be happy.

* * *

I collapse into Austin's lap- there aren't any chairs left, and I need to sit down. I just finished three miles, and I'm absolutely dizzy. I feel like I'm gonna faint and puke at the same time- it doesn't feel good at all. He laughs, and wraps his arms around me, strong, muscled arms enveloping my waist.

"How was your run, Ry?" He asks. Riker grabs my hand, and I turn my head to smile at him faintly.

"Exhausting. I hate running."

"It'll get easier- trust me. When I started out, I used to throw up after a mile. And now I'm running 'em in less than 7:30. You'll get there, just keep at it," he reassures me, kissing my head.

I sigh. "What were your guys' times?"

"I did 3.5 miles in 28:12," Austin says.

"3.5 in 28:43," Riker grumbles. "He beat me."

"I only did 3, in 26:34," Rocky speaks up, smiling encouragingly at me.

"Same as Rocky, my time was 26:28," Ratliff replies. "I beat Rocky by 6 seconds!"

"Yes, yes, we all know, you're done gloating over your victory," Rocky mutters darkly. "Shut up, for god's sakes."

My stomach drops. They're all so fast- I ran three miles in 31:24. At least five minutes slower than Rocky and Ratliff. Austin and Riker ran an extra half mile, and _still_ finished three minutes before I did. That just screams pathetic, don't you think?

I just wish I was fast, like Austin, or strong, like Rocky, or nimble, like Ratliff, or tall, like Riker. But no, I'm just plain old me. I'm average- with no special skills or talents. I'm plain, and not to mention, _fat_.

It's obvious that I need to lose weight- from how hard it was to run those miles. My brothers did it with no problem- it was me, who was struggling. I need to lose weight- and it's going to start now.

No more thunder thighs, no more fat rolls- I will be skinny. I will be pretty.

* * *

I lift the burger up to my lips, and take a large bite out of it, chewing thoughtfully. "This is pretty good."

"Chik-fill-A's sandwiches aren't bad," Ratliff reiterates, biting into his chicken sandwich again. "Though they'd be shit because it's fast food, but this tastes good."

"I like the fries," Rocky murmurs, shoving another waffle fry into his mouth and chewing furiously. "But you guys realize that all our running is shit now?"

"Eh, we'll run again tomorrow." Riker waves a hand. "I'm starving."

"I'm not," Rydel grumbles, glaring at her own chicken sandwich. It's just chicken and lettuce, with ketchup on the side. It doesn't seem to be _too_ unhealthy. I mean, chicken is good for you, and it's not like she eats fast food daily.

"You're eating," Riker says firmly. "I don't care if you aren't hungry- you _are _eating. You just ran three miles you need to get some food into your body. You need to replenish all the energy you exerted."

Rydel holds her hands up in surrender. "Alright, drill sergeant."

Riker sighs. "I'm not trying to be an asshole- but you need to eat. I'm not going to let you get away with starving yourself."

"Ry, you've got four brothers that are gonna be watching you like hawks from now on," Rocky murmurs. "I wouldn't count on your freedom anytime soon."

* * *

**So, I thought this would be a good chapter- a lot lighter than some of the previous noes, but still having some painful points. Thoughts? 90 reviews, and I'll update tomorrow morning. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	30. Chapter 29

**Trigger warning- schizophrenia, depression, mentions of self-harm and suicide.**

* * *

"I'm going running, who's coming?"

"I am," Riker says, rushing up to me, all while fiddling with his phone. He glances up, looking straight at me. "We're on our own today. Rydel's sore, Rocky's tired, and Ratliff's playing Xbox."

"Weaklings," I snort. "Let's go, then."

We head out the door, and onto the road. I kinda like running outside- in fact; I prefer it to running indoors. You feel so free, with the wind, the sky, and the rolling road in front of you. The sky's the limit, and it just feels so relaxing.

"How are you, Aus?" Riker asks. "It's been almost a week since your suicide attempt…are you okay?"

I sigh heavily. I predicted this was coming. I didn't think going on a solo run with Riker wouldn't allow me to escape discussing the elephant in the room. "I'm okay, I guess. Not that suicidal anymore. I'm still depressed, but I've only cut once in the past week…I guess that's good."

"That's amazing," he says gently. "That just proves how strong you are. Listen, I'm sorry our problems got in the way of your mental health. If it weren't for my attempted suicide, you may not have tried yourself…"

"Riker," I huff, picking up speed. He matches my pace easily, and I shake my head. "It's not your guys' fault. Without you, I'd be dead. And you guys have broken pasts as well, so what? The past doesn't define the future."

"I honestly didn't think I'd _live_ to see the future," Riker whispers. "It just seemed so out of reach for me- everything was spiraling out of control. You don't know how bad we were getting, before you showed up. Before I found you…"

"How bad was it, Rik? We're gonna be out here for at least another half hour, let's hear the full story…"

Riker shakes his head slightly. "It's not pretty…" he warns, his eyes dark with agony.

"I can take it," I reply. "Go ahead."

"Alright…" Riker sighs. "So, when Ry and I were in junior year, and Ratliff was a freshman, things were absolute shit. Rocky was still recovering from his attempted suicide- he was in a wheelchair and completely out of action. And that impacted us so much, because we really need him. I don't know if you've noticed- but Rocky is our center. We need him to be okay, for us to keep sane. His car accident was one of the catalysts to my attempt. When he's out, responsibility falls solely on me."

"What do you mean? Isn't Rydel also technically able to take up half the task? She's the same age as you…" I point out.

"Nope. Rydel may share a birthday with me, but she's mentally fragile, Aus. She's not strong enough to hold us together, not to mention- herself. We haven't been paying her as much attention as we should've been- and that doesn't mean she's okay. She's very good at pretending she's okay- she's an amazing actress. It's usually me that's able to see through her mask. Even though she's the same age as me, I consider her my baby sister, and all three of us protect her heavily- even though Ratliff is younger. She's the most vulnerable, you could say- and not nearly up to keeping you, me, and Ratliff from falling apart."

"Can I ask you something else?"

Riker nods, keeping his gaze straight ahead. He slows his pace to take a quick swig from his water bottle, and I use the opportunity to do the same- swallowing before voicing my question.

"Ratliff…what's the deal with his schizophrenia and bipolar disorder? He stopped taking his meds in between, didn't he? Is he okay, or is there something else going wrong…?"

"He did," Riker replies. "But when he tried to kill himself, we got different meds for him- these make him feel a lot better- they also take the edge off his depression. And the voices are gone, which is mainly why he fell so hard…"

"God…"

"His mind is a mess, Aus. I think he's probably the most far-gone. Those pills are the only thing keeping him from having a complete break down. I've seen him slam his head into the wall and make himself _bleed_, just to ward away the demons. Don't say that in front of him, though. He hates that his head is a mess. He feels that he isn't normal, and it hurts to hear him say it- but in his eyes, taking pills to be normal doesn't classify as normal."

"That's bullshit, he's perfectly normal," I protest.

"He doesn't think so. It's affected him mentally. He needs a lotta love too, right now."

"What about you and Rocky?"

"We'll survive," Riker says heavily. "It's our job to take care of you guys. It comes with the territory- we're used to it. Don't worry- you won't lose either of us anytime soon, I promise."

* * *

"Ow, fuck, Rik!" My eyes widen, as Austin cries out. I look down, and he's crumpled to the side walk, one leg bent awkwardly underneath him. His face has paled drastically, and he's grabbing for his foot, wincing when he touches it.

"Shit, _how_ did you manage to sprain your ankle?" I grumble, kneeling beside Austin on the sidewalk. "_How_?"

"I dunno," he mumbles. "It fucking hurts, though."

"Can you put weight on it? Here, lemme help you up."

Austin stands, leaning heavily on me. Slowly, he lowers his injured foot to the ground. He winces, but manages to stay upright, clutching my arm in a death grip. "Ow, god, it really hurts, but I can put weight on it. I don't think it's too bad."

"That's good," I sigh. "Rocky's gonna kill me…"

Austin flinches, when unnecessary weight is added to his injured leg. "Ow, fuck. I need crutches, I can't walk on this…"

I exhale a heavy breath, sweeping him into my arms. Cradling him against my chest, I look at him with sadness pooling in my eyes. "Let's get you home and ice that foot. If we're lucky, you should be better in the next couple days, possibly a week."

* * *

"What the _fuck_ happened to him?!"

I smile sheepishly at Rocky, waving slightly, as he narrows his eyes.

"I sprained my ankle." I smile ruefully at him, and he sighs heavily.

"Riker, I _told_ you this wasn't a good idea…" Rocky mutters. "How bad is it?"

"He's gonna be off his feet for at least a week," Riker replies. "He can put weight on it, but not much, and he was leaning a lot of his body weight on me when he tried."

Rocky shakes his head. "You're like a magnet for disaster, Aus, I swear to fucking god…"

"You love me just the way I am," I tease, leaning forward to hug him. He hugs back, getting as close as he can without pulling me out of Riker's arms.

"Rocky, get back in here! I don't wanna be in the same room as her!"

Ratliff's shout rises from the living room, and my eyes widen. Did he and Rydel have a fight? What's going on, and why hasn't Rocky told us about it yet?

Rocky's eyes flash with realization. "Yeah…this might be a good time to tell you…or _show_ you for that matter." He turns, leading us down the hall, and into the living room.

When we get there, I see exactly what he's talking about. My eyes widen, and my jaw drops at the slight- stomach clenching painfully, My breath hitches, but I can't take my eyes off the scene. It's something I've seen in some of my worst nightmares- I knew it would happen eventually, but a small part of me hoped it could've been avoided. I guess not.

Ally's sitting on the couch, Dez next to her. One of her eyes is blackened, there's a handprint on her cheek, and her face is stained with tears.

* * *

**So, obviously, Ally and Dez are gonna play major roles in the next chapter, and I bet some of you can guess why. If you wanna see how that scene plays out, review! If you can get me over 90, you get the update in the morning, if not, it'll be late at night, since I have a party to attend. Your choice. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	31. Chapter 30

**I'm sorry this is late. Today wasn't exactly...a good day, for me. Trigger warning- self-harm, suicide, mentions of abuse, and depression.**

* * *

"Put me down."

Riker looks at me hesitantly. "Aus, your foot…"

"Fuck my foot, put me down," I growl. Riker sighs and nods, lowering me to the ground. I limp over to Ally, clenching my teeth at the pain shooting up my entire leg. Collapsing on the couch next to her, I ignore the pain in my leg, and turn to Ally.

"Who the _fuck_ did this to you?!"

She shakes her head, looking at me with tears in her eyes. It makes my heart wrench for her- no matter how much she's hurt me, she will always be my baby sister, and I'll always want to murder anyone that hurts her in any way.

"Ally," I say. "Tell me what happened."

A stab of pain jerks me, and I wince, turning to see Rocky lifting my foot up onto the coffee table, and sliding a pillow under it. I glare at him, and he sighs, holding his hands up in surrender.

"I'm sorry," he says apologetically. "It's already beginning to swell up. I'll get you some aspirin so it won't bother you, sound good?"

"Yeah, go ahead. And the rest of you, get out. That includes you, Dez," I reply.

"Aus-"

I shake my head. "No, Ell. I'll be fine, alright? She is not going to hurt me, I promise. You guys have nothing to worry about. Please just go, I need to talk to her alone."

"Be careful?" Riker says warily. "I don't trust her completely."

"I will," I promise. "I'll come out there so you guys can smother me with cuddles, after we're done here."

"I need an Austin-cuddle, later," Ratliff grumbles, rising to his feet. He leans over to kiss my forehead. "Love you."

"You'll get one, you moron," I smile softly, coaxing him closer and wrapping an arm around him. "Me, all to yourself."

His eyes light up. "Awesome!"

"Now, kindly get the hell out," I giggle, shoving him away, and turning back to Ally.

* * *

Rydel walks into the room, a water bottle in one hand. She doesn't look at me, as she crouches in front of Austin, handing him a couple pills and the bottle. He swallows them down, before leaning forward to whisper something in her ear. She nods, and he kisses her cheek, before she straightens, and walks back out of the room.

"They're seem pretty awesome," I whisper, scooting closer to Austin. "You're lucky."

He smiles. "I know. I love them all so much. Don't be intimidated- they didn't trust Dez or Trish at first, either. It'll take time- you gotta prove you won't hurt me, before they start to trust you."

"I know I do," I sigh. "I just wonder when I started thinking with my ass, instead of my head."

"Hey, we all make mistakes," Austin replies easily. A flicker of pain flashes in his gaze. "Some are harder to heal than others."

"Austin, I-"

He holds up a hand. "Don't. It's okay, I shouldn't have brought it up. I want you to tell me who hit you."

"Who do you think?" I laugh bitterly. "You were right all along. Dallas was cheating on me the entire time, and when I confronted him earlier, this happened."

Austin's face hardens. Rage builds in his eyes, as he clenches his fists. "I'll kill him. I'll rip him apart, shred by shred, until he has no dick left to be a goddamn player."

"Austin, no." I shake my head, looking at him sadly. "I deserve this. It's payback for all the shit I've given you. You tried to tell me, tried to warn me, but I refused to listen, and I hurt you so badly. I hurt you enough for you to do this to yourself." I reach over and pull his left sleeve up, my heart breaking at the sight of his healing scars. I've seen them before, but every time, a new piece of my heart chips away. I did that to him.

Austin sighs heavily. "I'm not going to lie to you- you did hurt me, a lot. But that doesn't mean you deserve abuse, Ally. He hit you. He _slapped_ you. That's assault. I may not be your biggest fan right now, but I still care about you. Every guy is taught- from a young age- that you can _never_ hit a girl. Because you girls can't fight back- most of the time."

"But…"

He shakes his head. "You can't argue with me on this, Ally. I know we haven't been close in the past few weeks- but I can still read you like a book. It's obvious that he's had an effect on you- and trust me when I say this- if it weren't for him, our friendship wouldn't be in shambles. The Ally I know would've never done what you did to me. You've been brainwashed, Ally. Dallas is a monster."

"I know that now," I whisper. "I know, and you have no idea how much I wish I could take it back. I need you, Austin. You're my best friend. I need you in more ways than one, and it's all my fault- it's my fault that we're a mess right now. I don't deserve you, but I need you."

"And it's okay," Austin says gently. "It's okay to need me- I'm fine with that. The fact of the matter is that you realized what you did wrong, and you've accepted it. Healing takes time. I'm not completely mended yet, but I'm recovering, Ally. I'm okay."

"No, Austin." I look him in the eye. "You say that you're okay. Your arms show that you're recovering. But your eyes don't. Do you know how much pain I see in your eyes? More than I ever wished to see in my entire life. You say you're okay, but it's a lie, Austin. It's a lie, and we both know it. So, please, tell me what you're doing to yourself- that your siblings are in the dark about."

A haunted look flashes in Austin's eyes. "Ally, I…"

* * *

"I like Austin-cuddles," Ratliff says sleepily, nuzzling his head into my shoulder. "What time's it?"

"Seven," I murmur. "What're we doing for dinner?"

"Shit, it's 7 already?" Rocky asks in disbelief.

"Just go get food," Ratliff mumbles. "I'm tired…"

"I'm gonna run to that new Chinese place, Rydel, let's go," Rocky orders. Rydel glances up at him wearily, and he sighs. "You need to come, you were the one who told me about it."

Rydel sighs, holding up a hand. "Help me…"

Rocky pulls her up off the couch, before glancing at us. "We'll be back in a half hour. Riker, you're in charge. And Aus, don't you dare get up. Your foot's really swollen, you need to rest it."

"But…"

Rocky glares at me. "Unless you want a cast on your foot, I think it's in your best interest to shut up and listen to me."

"Fine," I grumble, pulling Ratliff closer. "I can't believe I sprained my ankle, running, of all things."

Ratliff chuckles. "You're a clumsy fuck. Accept it."

"Shut up," I mutter, thumping his head. "I'm not that bad."

"Oh, so _that's_ why your foot's swelling up like a sausage."

"Shut it, otherwise I'm gonna go cuddle with Riker."

Ratliff feigns shock. "Don't you dare leave me!"

The door slams shut, and Riker flicks through channels lazily on TV, stopping on each for about two seconds. "If you two are done acting like idiots, what do you wanna watch?"

"Put on Drake and Josh," Ratliff suggests. When we both look at him amusedly, he snorts. "For nostalgic purposes, idiots."

"Drake and Josh it is," Riker grins, flicking it to Teen Nick. "Sweet, it's the Dune Buggy one!"

"I will never understand your obsession with this episode," Ratliff mutters.

"It's a good episode," I defend. "I love it."

"Riker's just fun to tease."

"Excuse you?" Riker says. "I could call Rocky and tell him that you were the one, who ate three of his crepes yesterday…"

Ratliff stiffens. "You wouldn't."

"Tempt me, moron," Riker invites.

I shift position, and my shirt rides up a bit. Eyes widening in alarm, I move to pull it back down, but a hand catches my wrist. Ratliff looks up at me, his eyes wide. He shakes his head, pulling my shirt all the way up, and staring at my stomach.

"Aus…what is this…?"

* * *

**So, thoughts? What do you think Austin's done to himself? If you can get me over the 100 review mark, you'll have the next chapter early. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**


	32. Chapter 31

**Trigger warning- eating disorders, rape, self-harm, depression, and suicide. **

* * *

His stomach is sunken in. I can see and count every single one of his ribs.

Littered with cuts and…burn marks… He's cut the word 'fat' into his skin…along with a lot of other things that just shatter my heart.

"Call Rocky and Rydel," I say hoarsely. "Tell them to come back. Forget the food."

Riker nods, keeping his eyes on Austin's drastically paling form. I turn my attention back to him, grabbing both his hands, and looking him in the eye. "Aus…what have you done to yourself? Why did you do this…?"

Austin shakes his head, looking very much like a deer caught in the headlights. "It's n-nothing…m'fine…"

"Bullshit," I growl. "Your stomach is destroyed, Austin, _what did you do_?!"

He glares at me. "Nothing, I'm fucking fine. Get off my ass about it."

I snort. "Yes, because this is totally fine. You look like a fucking skeleton! How long has it been since you've eaten a decent meal? What the fuck have you done to your stomach?! Why are you cutting _there_?!"

Austin looks me in the eye. "The answer's obvious, isn't it? So I could kill myself without any of you noticing anything was wrong."

* * *

"Holy shit."

"Aus…baby, what have you _done_…?"

Rocky and Rydel stare at my exposed stomach, catching every cut, even burn, every one of my ribs that can be counted.

"What does it look like?" I say bitterly, refusing to make eye contact. "It's so damn easy to pretend I'm okay. I'm a really good actor, and it obviously worked out again. You guys didn't suspect a thing."

"Because you acted like you were fine. This has something to do with your suicide attempt, doesn't it?" Riker whispers.

"Give the man a fucking medal," I hiss. "It's about time you figured that out. Did you really think I'd try to _kill_ myself, and be the fine, happy Austin afterward? If you did, think again."

"Why didn't you _tell_ us, Aus? We could've helped you," Rydel sighs.

"Because I'm fucking sick of being a burden to you guys."

"You're not a fucking bu-"

"Save it," I grumble. "It's over. I fucking give up. Life wins."

"What, do you think this is some kind of _game_?!" Ratliff cries. "Austin, this is your _life_! Harming yourself isn't something to talk about like it's fucking nothing!"

"Life's a game, isn't it?" I whisper. "Is that really want you think of me? That all I want to do is land myself in the hospital and make you guys worry? No, Ratliff, no. If any of you had paid closer attention, you would've noticed how I go to the bathroom after every fucking meal. What does that mean? I fuck throw it all up. I'm not skinny because I have a fast metabolism- I'm skinny because I purge every goddamn thing I eat. I'm fucking bulimic, and none of you guys saw it."

* * *

"We need to talk to them."

"Them? Who the hell is them?!"

I sigh heavily. "Trish, Dez, and Ally. They've known Austin for a lot longer than we have- they'll have some insight on how to go about this. We can't pounce on him- he's already beyond pissed, that'll just make it worse."

"Are you sure?" Ratliff asks hesitantly. He still looks shaken from what Austin said to him, and I honestly don't blame him. Austin is fucking _scary_, when he's angry.

"Positive. Let's go to Sonic Boom," I mutter, grabbing my car keys. "One of you needs to stay here, in case Austin comes back."

"I'll stay," Rydel says. "He won't yell at me, and I know exactly how to calm him down. I'll make him eat something as well."

"Alright, thanks Ry," I whisper, leaning down to kiss her head. "We'll be back soon."

* * *

"So, that's what happened. What can you tell us? How can we help him?"

Rocky stares at us desperately, and I sigh heavily. I knew this would happen. Austin isn't as strong as he seems- and he definitely has a way of pretending he is, when sometimes- he simply breaks under the pressure. I know him more than most do- but I don't know him the best.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I can't help you. Not in this regard. You need to ask Ally. She knows him much better than I do- she's dealt with something like this before. This isn't the first time, guys."

"She's here, right, Dez?"

I nod. "Yeah. Als, come here?"

Ally holds up a hand, finishing up with a customer. She smiles and nods to the woman in front of her, before turning and walking in our direction. Her eyes widen, when she sees Austin's brothers, but she keeps her composure.

"Yeah, Dez?"

"It's Austin," I reply. "They need your help."

"You saw his stomach, didn't you?" Ally sighs, turning to the three guys in front of us.

"You _knew_?!" Riker exclaims. "You knew and you didn't tell us?!"

"Calm the hell down, I only found out a couple hours before you did," Ally mutters. "When we talked yesterday. I knew something wasn't right."

"How?" Ratliff grumbles. "How did _you_ figure it out, before we did?"

Ally sighs heavily. "Let's go into the practice room. I'd rather the entire store _not_ hear what I'm about to say."

I open my mouth to speak, but she shakes her head. "Stay here and watch the store for me."

* * *

"His eyes," I say immediately, once Riker's closed the practice room door. "Have any of you noticed his eyes?"

Rocky stares at me dazedly. "They're hazel…is there something else we should notice about them…?"

I exhale a heavy breath. "Austin is an amazing actor. He's gotten so good at adopting the fake persona of himself- pretending he's fine- and you really can't tell the difference between genuine happiness, and fake happiness. But he has one flaw in the process. One telltale sign that he's acting."

"What's that…?" Ratliff asks warily.

"His eyes," I repeat. "They're hazel, yeah, but when he's faking or acting, they're darker. Much darker. Almost extremely dark brown. You can see pain shadowing his gaze, when he's pretending to be happy. When he's genuinely happy- they're much lighter. When I talked to him yesterday, he seemed like he was returning to his old self. One look into his eyes, and I knew he was faking. And he knew that I could see through his act. That's why he showed me his stomach."

Rocky nods slightly. "I just don't understand…why would he do something like this to himself? What's hurting him?"

"You guys don't have any idea what it's like to be raped," I whisper. "Taken advantage of. Having your pants pulled down by some stranger, and- those ten minutes that follow being the worst ones of your life. You fight, you scream, you struggle, but it does nothing. Your attacker is stronger than you, bigger than you, and has the power to kill you. So you just let it happen. You let your first time be painful and horrible and disgusting. You let yourself be tainted by the dick of someone you don't feel anything toward- except utter disgust and hatred. The guy's still on the run, guys. Austin is in danger of being raped again. He's fucking terrified. Completely shattered inside. He's hurting more than you guys can ever realize. And there isn't anything you can do to help him- expect love him. That's all. You can't say you understand, or you know how he feels, because you _don't_. The only way for you to understand," I swallow hard. "Is for you to experience it firsthand."

Riker's eyes bulge. "How…how do you know about what it feels like…?"

I smile ruefully. "Dallas didn't stop at giving me this black eye, Riker. I'm no longer a virgin."

* * *

**Thoughts? Some things revealed in this chapter- what do you guys think about them? There are still a lot of answers to be given, and I promise, by the end, all your questions will be answered. 115 reviews, and you can have the next chapter tomorrow morning, before I go to school. Thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed. **


	33. Chapter 32

**15 reviews? Guys, that was amazing- thank you so much. Here's the next chapter- early, as promised. Trigger warnings- mentions of rape, self-harm, depression, and suicide.**

* * *

"Ally, you don't mean…"

She nods tearfully. "Yeah. That's exactly what I mean. Please, don't tell Austin. He's overprotective- he'll go batshit crazy on Dallas, if he finds out."

"Dallas deserves it, Ally, no man has the right to touch a girl that way- without her consent," I mutter. "Are you okay?"

"I have Dez," she says softly. "Kinda been clinging to him. I'll be alright. Go to Austin. He needs you- especially now. He's prone to do something stupid- you guys _need_ to hurry. If you need anything, advice, someone to talk to him, call me. My number's in his phone."

"Thank you, Ally, for everything," Rocky murmurs. "You've been a big help to us."

Ally shakes her head. "It's no problem. It's my fault that Austin is so broken- this is the least I can do. Seriously, let me know if you guys have any problems. I know him better than anyone else- I can help."

"Thanks, Ally," Rocky whispers.

"You're welcome," Ally replies. "Now, get out of here. Go find Austin before it's too late."

I nod slightly, grabbing Ratliff's arm. "Let's go, guys. We need to find Austin."

Rocky pulls his keys out of his pocket, and as we run out of the store, I glance back. Ally is wrapped in Dez's arms, leaning against him. He gives us a small smile, and I return it, as we finally get out of sight and into the car.

* * *

"Where's Austin?!"

Riker stares at me as soon as they barge in. "Did he come back?"

I shake my head. "I've been calling, texting, I left him at least ten messages. He's ignored everything. And I know he blatantly ignored them- because whenever I called him, I got sent straight to voicemail. He turned his phone off, guys. He doesn't want to hear from us."

"He doesn't get a choice in the matter," Rocky says firmly. "We're going to find him. Split up, I'll take my car, Rik, take yours, Ry, take yours, and one of us has to take Ratliff…"

"I'll take him," I offer, rising to my feet, and grabbing my keys from our key bowl.

"Alright. Rik, check the place you found him, I'll go by his old house, and Ry, see if you can just drive up and down streets, looking for him. He's either on crutches or limping, so he won't be able to get very far."

"Sounds good," I reply. "C'mon, Ell. We'll find him."

Ratliff nods shakily. "I just…"

"Hey," I say, my voice gentle. "We'll find him. He'll be alright."

* * *

"Goddammit, Austin…"

I pound my fist on the steering wheel, as I continue to cruise down the street, to the place I originally found him. Let's go back to the start, shall we? I just hope we can find him in time. He needs to know how much we love him- he's in such a fragile state- and I'd honestly be lying if I said he isn't terrifying me right now.

He thinks he's a burden- that he's changed our lives for the worst, and made us into the messes we are now. He's so wrong- and even if we said it to him a thousand times, I don't think he'd believe us- and I think that fact is breaking him. He's so shattered- and I don't think he can ever be normal again.

Not that I wouldn't love him this way. He's been so hurt by so many people- I get why he's so guarded and has so many walls up. He doesn't want us to get too close, and then end up hurting him. He didn't deserve to be damaged in the way that he is, and I hate so much that he was.

If I could go back in time, and take his place, I would do it with no second thoughts. He didn't deserve that.

And then I see it.

A flash of blonde hair, almost glowing in the darkness of the night. Austin's on crutches, and I can see the toll using them is taking on his body. He looks exhausted- tired and defeated. His ankle is swollen- moreso than before- puffy and red, looking awful. It needs to be elevated- he's aggravating it.

I hit the brakes, and grab my phone, speed-dialing Rocky. "_Rik? Did you find him?_"

"Yes, oh my god…he looks fucking awful…he's just…get here, please. We're at the park beyond the high school, hurry."

"_Alright, I'll call Rydel, and we'll be on our way. Go talk to him. Make sure he's safe, yeah?_"

"Yeah," I reply. "Thanks, Rocky."

"_No problem. See you soon._"

I turn my car off, and get out, slamming the door- so it catches Austin's attention. My prediction is right- Austin turns to look at me as soon as he hears the noise. His eyes widen, and he attempts to limp away faster, swinging himself on his crutches at a rapid speed.

"Shit…no…AUSTIN! You're gonna fall, stop!"

My warning comes too late. He crashes to the ground, crying out in pain. And that's when I start to run. I dash over to where his body lays, in a crumpled heap on the ground.

"Aus…" I try to pull him into my arms, but he scoots away, curling into himself.

"Leave me alone, Riker. Why'd you follow me? Don't you fucking get that I _want _to be _alone_?!"

"You made that very clear," I reply. "But I know that you're not okay. You're a danger to yourself. We love you. We love you so much, and we need you, Aus. We need you in so many ways- you complete our family."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Riker," he growls, shifting his body into a sitting position and glaring at me. "I know I'm a burden. I know you all wish I would just go die. You guys were _fine_."

"How do you know?" I shoot back. "I'll tell you one thing. The day before, Rydel made her first cut. The day before, Rocky said he wished the fall would've killed him. The day before, Ratliff refused to take his meds, and went completely ballistic on all of us. The day before, Austin, I held a blade to my wrist, and almost slid it down."

He opens his mouth to protest, but I shake my head. "I saw you as someone with so much potential. You have opportunities at your fingertips, baby, and a whole life ahead. I took you under my wing, because I didn't want you to end up like us. At the time, I had no idea how broken your past was." I swallow hard. "And now that I do…I want to help you, love. You just have to let me."

"There's your problem," Austin replies. "I'm _not_ letting you. Don't waste your breath on a useless fuck up like me, Riker. I'll die, and it won't even matter."

"It _will_ matter," I mutter. "You'll kill Ratliff, Austin. He's relying on _you_. And not to mention the rest of us. You're my little bro, what would I do without you?!"

"Go on to bigger and better things," he whispers emptily. "Face it, Riker. All I do is fuck shit up for everyone." He pushes himself to his feet, sliding the crutches back under his arms, and heaves a long, heavy, shuddering sigh, and it breaks my heart.

"Austin-"

"No. I'm done, Riker."

He hobbles off the sidewalk, and onto the road. I start to follow him, but he turns to glare at me. "Leave. Get the fuck away from me."

"Austin, I…"

"I mean it, Riker. Get the hell out of here," Austin growls.

"AUSTIN, WATCH OUT!" A scream escapes me, as my eyes fixate on the car heading straight for my little brother. He lifts his head and acknowledges the vehicle, standing completely still. Does he have no goddamn sense?! Does he _want_ to fucking get hit by a car?! The chances of him dying are slim- he'll just have a lot more pain added on to what he already feels!

"AUSTIN!" I screech, running forward.

But I'm too late.

Austin's body rolls up onto the windshield of the car, and then slams to the ground with a sickening crunch.

* * *

**So...how many of you want to murder me in my sleep? 130 reviews, and we'll think about an early next chapter- and considering this, you _want_ the next chapter.**

**-Neha**


	34. Chapter 33

**Trigger warning- depression and suicide. **

* * *

"AUSTIN!"

I don't even know how to react right now- but my legs seem to do all the work for me. I race over to his limp body, dropping down to my knees beside it.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry! I thought for sure he'd get out of the way! He just stood there…" The driver of the car is a small woman, looking at me nervously, with obvious worry in her eyes.

"No, fuck…call an ambulance?" I ask, refusing to take my eyes off my little brother's body. "Oh, baby…"

He's unconscious- bleeding from his forehead. I know not to move him- that could only make his injuries a hell of a lot worse. I want to hold him- cradle him to my chest, and protect him from the outside world. He's my baby brother, and he doesn't fucking deserve this. But I don't want to cause him anymore pain- so I force myself to refrain.

"Ambulance is on the way. Do you have family or anyone else you'd like me to call?"

I shake my head. "I called my brothers and sister. They're on their way already. We'll be fine."

"What about your parents?"

"That's not any of your concern."

Rocky's voice booms, and I look up to see him standing behind me, Rydel and Ratliff pressed to his sides.

The woman nods slightly. "Again, I sincerely apologize- I'll be here for when the police arrive, and tell them exactly what went on."

"Now, Riker, would you like to tell me WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?!" Rocky exclaims, his voice rising to a dangerous level toward the end of his sentence.

"Austin…Riker, what the _fuck_ happened?!" Rydel cries, her voice rising in sync with Rocky's. She drops to her knees beside me, stroking Austin's bangs off his bleeding forehead- tears dripping down her cheeks.

"He…he wouldn't move…" I whisper hollowly. "He let it happen…he's so broken, guys…this is…how could we let this go unnoticed? How could we let him fall so hard, and not realize…?"

"I don't know," Rocky whispers. "But I do know that we're horrible older siblings, and this is how we're paying the price for it."

All we can do is stare at Austin's limp, bleeding body- and wonder to ourselves- how the fucking _hell_ did it get this bad?

* * *

"Anything?"

"No," Riker mutters, defeated. "The nurse said it'd be at _least_ another hour, if not longer…"

"Fuck that," I sigh. "We need to know if he's okay, _now_."

"Speaking of being okay…Ell…are you alright?"

I look over to Ratliff, and my heart sinks. His face is pale- demeanor vulnerable and broken. He looks emotionally drained- lifeless, almost. His lower lip is quivering- though his eyes are trained on the floor.

"How can I be alright, when my baby brother was hit by a car?" Ratliff whispers. "How can any of you be okay?"

"We're not," Rydel says sadly. "I'm not."

"I want Austin," Ratliff whimpers. "He brings me so much happiness- guys, you have no idea. That's why I cuddle with him so much- I need him. And seeing him like that…just…it shattered me, guys. He's so broken, and we let it slip right through our fingertips. He was screaming in silence- and we didn't hear it…can you imagine how he must've felt…?"

"I know," I reply, exhaling a heavy breath. "Come here."

Ratliff nods slightly, rising to his feet, and walking two steps, over to stand in front of me. He seats himself in my lap, curling himself into my chest and hiding his face in my neck.

"I just want to be okay again," Ratliff says softly. "Not suicidal, not depressed, not schizophrenic, not bipolar. I just want to be happy- with no baggage or strings attached. I want to live life in happiness- having fun with you guys. But my mind's fucked, and I just keep having visions and nightmares that the pills don't do shit for. And it scares me, it really does…"

"Oh, Ell…"

I kiss the side of his head, and hug him tighter. "Austin is going to be okay. We're going to be fine- I promise. He needs our help- and he's going to get it."

"What if we can't help him?"

Riker stares at me, his eyes dark. "You don't know what he said, Rocky…he's absolutely _shattered _on the inside, and I just…"

"No." I look him in the eye. "We're going to fix this. He deserves to feel happiness- and that is what we're going to bring him. We may've failed before, but we're not going to fail again."

* * *

"Family of Austin Moon?"

A doctor dressed in blue scrubs walks out into the waiting room- her eyes serious. Rocky nods and raises a hand- and she walks over, stopping in front of us with a grim look crossing her face.

"We're his siblings. What's his diagnosis, doctor?"

The doctor holds out a hand. "I'm Doctor Grey. When Austin was first brought in, he was bleeding quite profusely from his head. A small part of his skull is cracked- the laceration and the impact of hitting the road caused that. We've treated it- he will be in a lot of pain, but it should heal fine. Aside from that, both his legs are broken. They were broken to the point where they needed surgery- we had to put pins in to hold his bones together- then, we stitched up the wounds and casted his legs. About three of his ribs are cracked- two are bruised from impact. There are lacerations on many parts of his body- and his right wrist is fractured. It sounds bad- and it is- recovery will not be easy, but I do assure you that he will make a full recovery from this."

My eyes widen. Austin…holy fucking… "C-Can we see him?"

She nods. "You may. We've given him a light sedative to keep him comfortable- he's in a lot of pain, but he might be awake when you guys get in there. Just please- don't stress him out. He's quite distraught right now- and I'm hoping that seeing you guys will calm him down a bit."

I rise to my feet shakily, as Ratliff presses into my side. I can feel his body trembling violently against me, and it just breaks my heart. Riker's gone while- his eyes wide and his skin a pasty color. Rydel whispers something in his ear- to which he shakes his head, straightening and forcing a hint of a smile.

Doctor Grey gives us a sad smile, leading us down a series of hallways, until she comes to a stop in front of a off-white door. A gleaming 702 rests on the wood, and she pushes the door open, before turning to us. "If you need anything, press the call button beside his bed. He _is_ in pain, and we're giving him a bit of morphine through his IV- but it isn't enough to take everything away."

She nods to us again, before turning and walking over to the nurse's area.

I step into Austin's hospital room, and when I take my first look at him- nausea rolls in my stomach, because I never imagined I'd ever see him looking like this.

* * *

Austin's face is pale- and his battered body looks so awful- so painful. Thick casts stick out on his legs, and his head in wrapped in bandages. There's a brace on his right wrist- and he has stitches and cuts every place I look. The sight just makes me want to run out of the room- because that _cannot_ be my baby brother.

Austin lifts his head to look at us, his eyes shining with tears. "Guys…I'm sorry…" His voice is hoarse, and the exhaustion and pain in his gaze absolutely shatters my heart.

"You have _nothing_ to be sorry for, baby," Rocky says firmly, stepping up to his bedside. He leans down and wraps his arms around Austin, pressing repeated kisses to his hair. "_We're_ sorry."

I nod in agreement, striding up to the other side of his bed. Leaning down, I kiss his bandaged forehead gently, sighing heavily. "What hurts, love?"

Austin swallows hard, licking his lips. "Everything. My head, mostly, but every time I move- my ribs feel like they're on fire."

"I don't understand why you did this," Ratliff says shakily. "You hurt me so much, Austin…I thought we lost you, and you _know_ how much I _need_ you…"

Austin sighs heavily. "I wasn't thinking straight. I wanted to die- it was a rash decision, and now I'm paying the price for it. I'm sorry, Ell, I love you so much." Rocky pulls away, and Austin holds out his good arm- reaching for Ratliff. "Come here- I think you need an Austin-hug."

Ratliff whimpers softly, all but running over to us. He throws himself at Austin, and our youngest brother catches him easily, scooting into a position that's comfortable for both of them. He kisses Ratliff's forehead, and hugs him gently, before looking up again. "…Ry?"

Rydel jerks slightly, nodding and walking toward us. She leans down to hug Austin- her face void of any emotion. "I'm okay, Ry," Austin promises. "Banged up, but I'll be okay."

"You're not okay, Austin," I protest. "You're absolutely _shattered_."

"Shattered I may be," Austin says. "But you guys are broken too. And I'm not going to let you forget about yourselves for me and my mental health. I don't deserve that."

* * *

**Thoughts? Here's the basic thing- I can't focus on just one of them for a few chapters- because there are five main characters in this, and I need to give them all equal attention. So, yes, while all of this is happening, Rydel is spiraling further down with anorexia, but they won't find that out until something _else_ happens. Like I said, by the end of the story- your questions _will _be answered, and that's a promise. Thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed. Past the 140 review mark, and you might get the next chapter tonight- but it'll most likely be early tomorrow.**

**-Neha**


	35. Chapter 34

**Yes, I'm late. I had a huge project to finish- due tomorrow, and a test to study for- I'm really sorry, guys. Anyway- trigger warnings- suicide and depression.**

* * *

"Dez?"

I glance up from my phone, as Ally walks toward me- a broken expression evident on her features. My attention is immediately snatched- protecting her and keeping her comfortable has been my main priority lately. No, I'm not planning to ask her out- I'm in love with Trish. I see Ally as my baby sister- and the big brother overprotectiveness is shining through.

"Yeah, Als?" I reply, opening my arms. She walks into them, and buries her face against my chest, letting out a shuddering sigh.

"Do you think Austin's okay?"

I sigh. "I don't know, Als. He's not in a good mental state at all right now- they're all not doing so good…"

My phone beeps just then- a text from an unknown number. Curiously, I unlock my phone and read the message.

_Dez, it's Riker. Austin…I don't want to tell you over messages, can you bring Ally and Trish to the hospital? It's not good- you guys need to hurry._

My eyes widen. "Shit, Ally…"

"What? What is it?!" Her voice rises with her fear, as she looks me in the eye.

"We need to get down to the hospital," I whisper. "Something happened to Austin."

* * *

I shift Austin's body in my arms a bit, kissing his forehead as his head lolls against my chest. He's sleeping soundly, his face buried in my shirt, and his breathing deep against me. It breaks my heart- to see him broken- both physically and mentally, but he's surviving. He survived being hit by that car- and I'm so relieved that he did. I have no idea what I would've done- having lost him.

"He still out?"

Rocky glances up from his phone, and I nod. "Yep. Out cold. Where'd Ry and Ell go, by the way?"

He sighs. "Ratliff was getting really uncomfortable, so she took him outside to get some air. This has really affected him…he relies on Aus so much…"

"We all do…" I murmur. "I really can't imagine life without him. It's just…I dunno, fate? That I found him that day. We really _needed_- and still do need him. He's brought us so much happiness- it's undescribable."

Rocky nods slightly. "We were all in really shitty places before he showed up. I mean, we probably would've committed suicide and actually succeeded. We _need_ him, and the fact that he doesn't believe it hurts so much…"

"I just hate how people have hurt him. He didn't deserve any of the shit he got. None of the bullshit from his parents, definitely not that whole fight with Ally, Trish, and Dez, and _absolutely_ not getting raped. I don't blame him for being this broken, but…"

"But…he needs to recover from this," Rocky says firmly. "This kid has way too much potential, to throw his life away, and let some fucking assholes win. They don't deserve satisfaction over truly breaking him. He needs to rise up, and show the world that he's Austin fucking Moon, and although he's been through so much- he still managed to recover, and is one of the most successful people in the world."

"If it were that easy, Rocky, do you think I'd be in this hospital bed?"

Austin blinks, shifting into a sitting position and wincing at the pain in his ribs. He turns his head to face Rocky, waiting for an answer.

"It's not easy," Rocky agrees. "If life were easy, everyone would be happy. Depression would be foreign. But reality is cold. And sometimes, life is fucking shit. Sometimes it throws a curveball at you, and laughs in your face, when the ball hits you, and you're down. But other times- life can be a wonderful thing. If there's anything I learned after I jumped off that roof- it's that you only have one chance. And it's so fucking easy to blow that chance away, because you're in too much pain, or you think you aren't strong enough. And sure- I doubt myself all the time. Hell, I'm still fucking suicidal. But I've been on the edge of death before- and I know that when life decides to be a smartass- you just have to rise to its level, and show it that you're not gonna let it control you. It's _your_ life, and fate shouldn't have any say in what you do."

* * *

"Austin?!"

"Holy shit."

Ally and Dez walk into my hospital room- their eyes immediately widening at the sight of me.

"Hey guys," I say weakly, smiling ruefully at them. I settle further back against Riker, making sure not to jostle him- he just fell asleep, and judging by his haggard appearance, he's been up worrying about me for much too long.

"Is that really all you have to say?!" Ally exclaims, rushing over to my bedside. She stares at me with pure panic and fear in her eyes, and I sigh.

"It was stupid. _I_ was stupid. I'm paying the price for it. That's what happened," I explain, sighing heavily. "I'm just a suicidal idiot. There's no point in trying to figure out why I did what I did."

"But god…Aus, you're so injured…you look awful…" Ally mutters. She covers her mouth with her hand, eyes wide. "Sorry, it slipped out, I didn't mean to call you that…"

I wave a hand. "It's fine. We're on pretty good terms now, anyway…"

A hopeful glance crosses Ally's face. "Does that mean…you forgive me…?"

I nod slightly. "Yeah…but I still don't fully trust you yet. One chance, Ally. If you fuck this up, don't expect me to ever talk to you again."

Ally's eyes light up. "Thank you, Austin…I promise I'll be a better person this time around. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but thank you so much, anyway…you're amazing…"

I shoot her a small smile. "So are you."

Ally fidgets nervously. "Can…can I have a hug…?"

"Sure," I reply, reaching out with my good arm. "Just be careful of my ribs."

She nods slightly, walking into my embrace. I hug her gently, and the feeling of having my sister in my arms again, is one of the best feelings in the world.

* * *

**Yeah it's short but I had to end it here. And you guys got Auslly so don't be too mad at me lol. Anyway, thoughts? Cross 150, and you'll have the next chapter right after I get back from school tomorrow and yes I'll be on time I promise.**

**-Neha**


	36. Chapter 35

**Trigger warning- suicide and depression.**

* * *

"God, I hurt…"

"Then maybe you shouldn't have stood in front of an oncoming car, dumbass!"

"I'm in pain, don't be mean to me," Austin pouts, burying his face in my chest. "You should feel sorry for your little brother."

Ratliff snorts. "Yeah, sorry. _You_ should be sorry for making us worry, dammit. I'm gonna get grey hairs, if you continue on this path!"

Austin smirks at him. "You know you love me. I just make life a little more…interesting."

"If by interesting, you mean stressful, sure, we'll go with that." Ratliff crosses his arms and slumps back against the plastic hospital chair. "These chairs are gonna fuck with my back, goddammit. I swear, we're in a fucking _hospital_, and they can't get half-decent chairs."

"Must you complain about _everything_?" Rydel groans, rubbing a hand over her face. "We get it- you're never pleased with anything. Now, for the love of God, shut your fucking trap!"

Ratliff reaches over and wraps his arms around her neck. "You love me!" He squeezes her tightly- to the point of leaving her breathless- and I laugh. Poor Rydel…not really.

"You guys should _all_ shut the fuck up," Rocky grumbles. "I can never get any sleep with you people flapping your jaws 24/7."

"Lighten up, Rocky," I reply. "Let them have their fun."

"Yeah, sure, whatever the definition of _fun _is to you guys. Need I remind you that Austin just stood _willingly_ in the path of an oncoming car? The you, Ratliff, and you, Riker have both tried to kill yourselves as well?! That Rydel isn't fucking _eating_?! And you guys are laughing and joking like it's fucking _nothing_."

Rocky glares at all of us, rising to his feet, and striding from the room- footsteps heavy and jaw set.

Ratliff's jaw hangs open in shock, and Rydel's frozen in his arms- leaving me sighing. Austin is silent against me, his breathing slowing down slightly. "Ratliff, come here and take my place. Hold him, his ribs are bothering him, it'll be painful of him to lie on them. I'll go talk to Rocky."

* * *

"Would you like to tell me what the _fuck_ that was?!"

Riker storms over to me, his eyes dark with anger. He comes over so he's standing right next to me, staring at what I'm looking at. I shake my head slightly, making no move to acknowledge him. Gripping the railing of the bridge, I stare at the river below, my eyes fixated on the rushing water.

"Rocky. _Look _at me, dammit."

I sigh, turning to face him, and locking his gaze with mine. "What do you want, Riker?"

Riker glares at me. "I want you to tell me why you're _shattering_ our baby brothers' happiness. I want you to tell me why the hell you yelled at them for _jokes_. Just because everything's not fucking sunshine and rainbows, doesn't mean they can't _try_ to be normal! That's all they fucking _want_! And if they want to pretend like it's okay, for just those few valuable minutes, fine. If they want to pretend that this whole family isn't fucked up in every way possible, fine. Tell me, Rocky, who the _hell _are you, to take that away from them?!"

"It's _not_ okay, Riker!" I cry. "_Nothing_ about this is okay! You guys are trying to take your lives, right and fucking left! For god's sake, Riker, do you know how huge this is?! I feel like a fucking failure. I'm your legal guardian, and I'm letting you guys try and _kill_ yourselves! You've been in my shoes before, it's not easy, is it?!"

Riker's face softens. "Rocky…why didn't you say something? You're not supposed to be the strong one all the time- it's okay for you to break. I don't think I've seen you cry _once_, since we told Austin our stories, and that was over three months ago. Have you been holding it in all this time?"

"It's fine, Riker. Please just…go. I'm sorry. Just go, tell them I didn't mean that. I'm gonna be out here for a while. I need a breather."

Riker rolls his eyes. "You need more than a breather, you fucking moron. You need a break. You need _to_ break. You're gonna explode one of these days. And you cannot let them see that. The three of them are already broken- seeing their strong, take-charge figure break down in front of them is going to break _them_."

"Exactly," I sigh. "So what choice do I have? I have to stay strong- I have to do my job as your big brother. Being the oldest comes with a lot of sacrifice, Riker. You know exactly what I mean- it isn't fucking fun."

"And that's _my _point," Riker replies. "You're overworking yourself to the point of collapse. And I'll be damned if you don't break from the pressure soon enough. You need to let us help you, Rocky. You may be our rock- no pun intended- but you have to break at some point."

"And when I do," I mutter. "It'll be in private. And then I'll be okay again. That's the way the cycle goes, Riker. Unchanging since the day I got custody of you guys."

"The last time you broke." Riker's voice shakes slightly, held-back tears creeping into his voice. "The last time you broke, you scarred Ratliff for life. The last time you broke, you pushed Rydel further into her depression and anorexia. The last time you broke, I felt like suicide was the only option for me. Is this your way of telling me that it's going to happen again? That you're considering jumping off this fucking railing and _drowning _yourself?! That you're going to shake this family to the core, and put us through something like that, again?"

* * *

"Is Rocky okay?"

Ratliff glances at me worriedly, shifting a bit. Austin whines in his arms, and he sighs, shushing him gently.

I exhale a heavy sigh. "I don't know, Ratliff…he's overworking himself to the point of breaking…kinda like what happened to me."

Ratliff's eyes widen. "Switch again. I'm gonna go talk to him."

I shake my head slightly. "He's in a bad place right now, Ell. Really suicidal. I don't think that's such a good idea."

Ratliff's face hardens. "I'm the one that kept him alive while we were waiting for an ambulance, Riker. He's closest to me. And I think I can handle it."

* * *

"Hey, big brother."

Rocky glances up, as I join him on the bridge, his eyes dark and distant. "Yeah? You need me for something?"

I shake my head. "No, but you need me. Dammit Rocky, you know I'm here for you. You know I'll let you break without anyone else knowing- why are you keeping all this locked in?"

"Conceal, don't feel," Rocky mutters. "If I let it out, I'm going to break in every way possible, Ell. I can't do that to you guys. I have to be strong- you all need me. You fell apart while I was in that coma."

"But that doesn't mean you have to be invincible," I reply. "You're _not_ invincible. You're a human being, and you're allowed to break. You're allowed to fall apart. It's human nature, Rocky."

"I'm fine," Rocky whispers. "I'm okay. I'm fine."

I don't have to do anything- except stand there. He begins to sway on his feet, tears building in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. Sobs tear through his throat, choked up- full with agony. I lean forward at just the right moment- he collapses into my arms, crying against my shirt.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. You're gonna be fine. It's okay."

* * *

**I haven't figured out how long this story's gonna be yet. It depends on how much more I can squeeze into the chapters- there's still a couple things planned. Anyway- thoughts? I feel like I've kinda neglected to mention Rocky's feelings, so here you go. If you can get me to 170 reviews, your chapter will come early. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	37. Chapter 36

**I'm sorry, guys. I was going to update mid-morning, yesterday, but I woke up- sick as a dog. So I just sat in bed and watched like, ten episodes of Grey's Anatomy in one sitting. (I'm only halfway through season 2 no spoiling) But yeah, here's the chapter, sorry about the wait. Trigger warning- suicide and depression.**

* * *

"Let me jump."

"Rocky-"

He lifts his tearstained face from my shoulder, eyes wild. "No. I _said_, let me _jump_! I want to _drown_!"

Fear and panic bubble up in my stomach, as flashbacks from that cold winter night overwhelm my mind. I swallow hard, shaking my head to clear it. "Rocky. No. I am _not_ going to let you jump off _anything_, _ever again_."

"I'm stronger than you," Rocky defends weakly. "I could break out of your hold, and throw myself off, before you even had a chance to stop me, or call for help, or some shit like that."

"But are you?" I ask, not exactly trusting my mind at this point.

Rocky sighs. "No…I couldn't do that to you. But, please, let go of me."

"Why?" I ask, my voice rising to a dangerous level. "So you can throw yourself off this bridge, and _drown_? Just like you threw yourself off that roof, almost four years ago."

Rocky locks my gaze. "It hurts, Ratliff. I'm fucking_ tired_ of having to hold _five_ people together. Myself, and the four of you. It's _hard_, it's _agonizing_, and I'm _done_."

"I know," I whisper. "I know that you're fucking finished with this world. But I'm saying- if not for yourself- do it for me. Stay here for _me_."

"You don't need me," Rocky says bitterly. "You have Rydel."

My eyes widen. "Are you _jealous_ of our _sister_?"

He exhales a heavy sigh. "Fucked up, isn't it? But yes. Yes, Ratliff, I _am_ jealous of our sister. I'm jealous of Rydel. There. I said it. Are you happy now?"

My mind whirls, as I try to comprehend this. "What the hell do you have to be jealous _for_?"

He turns away, and when he speaks again, his voice is weary. "Did you really think I didn't notice how close you two are now? You're always holding her, teasing her, something like that. And Riker has her too, and Austin's practically glued to his hip. I'm lonely, Ratliff. I need you."

I open my mouth to speak, but he shakes his head. "Why do you think we share a room? It's because I need you. I need to see you, to know you're there, because honestly, Ell, you're what's kept me alive for so long. You've been my reason to live for as long as I remember- because I knew how much you needed me. I know that I'm the oldest- the strongest- but I'm not made of steel. I've been trying to mask all this for so long, and it's worked- but I think I just broke. I didn't mean any of what I said in there- I was just so _angry_. With myself, not with you guys. And then you just…stopped. You stopped talking to me, stopped coming up and asking if I was okay, and honestly, I _relied_ on those times." He shakes his head. "Don't…disregard all of that. I shouldn't have said anything. It's alright, go inside. Reassure Rydel that I'm not mad at her."

"No," I say firmly. "Are you angry that I've been spending a lot of time with Rydel, lately?"

"Angry isn't the word, Ratliff," he mutters. "I'm hurt. I need you. I rely on you. It's because of that- that I'm seriously contemplating suicide right now. All you guys value me for is a babysitter. That's all I am to you. The babysitter."

"Rocky! That's absolute bullshit, and you fucking know it! You fucking know how much we need you! We'd fall apart without you!"

He glances at me. "That's the only reason you need me. To keep _yourselves_ together. I'm sorry, Ell. Sorry I'm not good enough for you to need in any other way."

"Rocky…"

"Don't," he whispers. "I need to be alone. Please leave."

"Do you promise you won't jump?"

"I'm not promising something I can't keep, Ell. Learned my lesson a long time ago."

* * *

"He's definitely suicidal."

Ratliff walks into Austin's hospital room- head hung low, and eyes trained on the ground. My eyes widen at his tone, as I shift Austin's body in my arms.

"How is he?" Ratliff asks wearily. "And where's Rydel?"

"She went to see if she could find Rocky, and I'm in pain- but it's nothing I can't handle," Austin mutters. "God, I wish _I_ could go out there and talk to Rocky…what I'd give to be able to walk…"

"Ahaha, no," I reply. "It's a wheelchair for you, mister. And bed rest _until_ the doctor gives the okay. You cracked your damn skull, I'm surprised you're not screaming in pain right now."

"Morphine can work wonders," Austin replies bitterly. "I can't feel anything. I'm numb, except for my goddamn ribs, which hurt every time I fucking take a breath."

"Well, you're in a great mood," Ratliff grumbles, slumping down into a chair.

"Yeah? Well, try being run over by a fucking _car_, and then we'll see what kind of mood _you're_ in, afterward."

"Anyway," I say, diffusing the oncoming argument. "What did Rocky say?"

"We've been neglecting him," Ratliff mutters. "_I've_ been neglecting him."

"What does that mean?" Austin asks.

"It means," Ratliff sighs. "That he feels that all he is to us is nothing more than a babysitter. The only reason we need him- is because we'd be falling apart without him around."

* * *

"Rocky?"

I sigh inwardly. "What is it, Rydel?" I mutter, not taking my gaze off the rushing water below me.

"Should I get Ratliff? Are you going to jump?"

"No," I reply. "I'm fine. Please, go. I don't want to blow up at you again."

"I'll take my chances," Rydel replies, leaning her arms on the railing. "The water's nice, isn't it? Calming."

"Appealing," I sigh. "Inviting."

"Rocky-"

"I'm fine," I repeat.

"You don't look fine."

"Yeah? Well Ratliff doesn't _look_ like any of us, but he's still our brother."

Rydel sighs. "When did you become such an asshole?"

"I don't know. When you replaced me?"

Rydel stiffens. "When I did _what_?!"

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I just…I feel like you've taken Ratliff's attention away from me…and since he's the only reason I'm here right now- it hurts even more. It pushes me closer to the edge. I'm sorry, I know I'm being selfish- but I just…"

Rydel chuckles humorlessly. "So you know Ratliff's secret, too?"

"His secret?" I lift my head and look into her eyes. "What secret?"

She snorts. "Don't tell me you haven't figured it out by now. Ratliff emits positive energy wherever he goes. He's really cute and adorable- and our baby brother. He laughs a lot, cracks jokes, insults you, and you _like_ it. You need it. You need his constant pestering to make you smile. It's the same way with me. That's why- when he annoys me nowadays, I relish it, instead of hating it."

"Yeah," I whisper. "That's exactly it. He just radiates happiness. I know he's depressed and also suicidal, but his meds keep him from lashing out- and they're also anti-depressants, so they work wonders on his mind. He's in a lot higher spirits than the rest of us- and I need the jokes, I need the teasing. It's what keeps me going. If I'm not laughing, I'm thinking."

"Thinking about suicide?" Rydel ventures.

"You hit the nail on the head," I murmur. "Yeah. When I let my thoughts wander, my mind is consumed with- I doubt you guys would miss me- or- I'm worth nothing."

"Because you're lonely," Rydel concludes. "Because I've taken Ratliff from you."

"You didn't take him from me, Ry," I sigh, opening my arms. She walks into my embrace, and I hold her head against my chest, exhaling a heavy breath. "It's my fault. I stopped talking to him- and he must've taken it as ignorance, because I didn't _want_ to hear his jokes."

"I just feel like all I'm here for is babysitting you guys…"

Rydel tenses in my arms, pulling her head out of my neck, to look me in the eye. "Please tell me you did _not_ just say what I think you said."

"Then I'd be lying to you, dear sister," I reply.

"Rocky…you're the reason none of us have killed ourselves yet. You're extremely important to us. You're our sun- the center of our universe. You make us happy, Rocky, you give us hope. And you've lost your way too- it's okay. It's okay for you to need us, sometimes. it doesn't make you weak- nor does it change our opinion of you. Family are supposed to be the only people that won't judge you, no matter what, and Rocky, we're your family. So you can fucking _fall apart_ in front of us, and all we're gonna do, is pick you up, and put your back together. Because that's what families _do_."

* * *

**Thoughts? What'd you think about what Rocky's feeling? I'd love to know- 185 reviews, and we'll see about a chapter mid-morning, tomorrow. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	38. Chapter 37

**Alright, I need to address something. I received this guest review on the last chapter. "Took fucking forever, Quit making promises you cant keep about posting the chapters. Love the story, so much, in fact, that that's getting on my fucking nerves"**

**Here's what I have to say. I have done my best to update Broken and Recovery _daily_. Meaning, I sat down for over an hour, and wrote 1,300+ words every single day, just so you guys would have something new to read each day. Now, I have school, I have finals in 13 days, and honestly guys, my mental state is _shit_ right now. Unless you guys want dark, _dark_ chapters, with horrendously suicidal characters, and a couple more suicide attempts- I don't think I can give you any more than what I am. I write what I feel. I was sick over the weekend, and literally had no energy to even do my homework, let alone edit a chapter for you guys. And quite damn frankly, I'm spoiling you all with the daily updates- but I do it because you're some of the most loyal, dedicated readers ever, and I appreciate you all so much. But I'm not a machine- and I never will be. I try to get chapters up by the time I promise them, but sometimes, things get in the way. My goal is 5 chapters per week, and sometimes its met, other times, it isn't. But that's okay, in my eyes. Because I've seen writers update weekly, bi-monthly, etc. Or- their updates are extremely sporadic and only come when they finish the chapter. So, here it is, in black and white. If you're pissed about how I'm late with updating, fine, I don't give a damn. But you need to know that I don't spend all my time writing- I would, if I could, but I don't, and you need to learn the art of patience.**

**Sorry about the rant- that review just pissed me off so much... Anyway, trigger warnings- depression and mentions of self-harm.**

* * *

"Everything just hurts…I feel awful…"

Austin moans in my arms, squeezing his eyes shut. "But I just wanna go home…this place is depressing…"

"You've been here over a week, I think you're ready to go home," Riker mutters.

"C'mon Rik, let's go see if he can get out of this hellhole," Rydel offers, standing up and holding out a hand to her twin. He takes it, and she pulls him up, before he wraps an arm around her shoulders.

"Ell, why don't you go get something to eat? You're looking a little faint…" I suggest, pulling Austin closer to me. He nuzzles his nose into my chest, and I smile.

Ratliff sighs and nods. "Yeah. Money?"

I remove one of my arms from Austin's body, and reach into my pocket- to grab my wallet. Sliding it out of my jeans, I reach over and hand it to him. "I think there's a five or something in there. If I don't have enough, go find Riker, he's got most of our money."

Ratliff nods again, leaning down to brush his fingers through Austin's hair. "How're you doing, love?"

"I feel like shit," Austin mutters. "Everything hurts."

"I know," Ratliff says sadly. "We're gonna take you home, get you settled in, and it'll just be the five of us, yeah? No worries."

"Sounds nice," Austin murmurs.

"It'll be perfect," I promise. "Just try to relax, Aus. And Ell, stop stalling and get your ass to the cafeteria."

* * *

"I hate this so fucking much…why was I such an idiot?"

Austin grumbles to himself, as I place him into the wheelchair, wincing at the pain in his ribs.

"It doesn't matter why, and damn, you're _still_ an idiot," Ratliff chides, dropping a kiss on his messy hair. "What hurts?"

"My head," Austin cringes slightly. "My head hurts real bad…"

"That's to be expected- your skull isn't fully healed yet," Doctor Grey says gently. She turns to us, glancing at her clipboard. "He's very fragile right now- you guys need to be careful. I'm most concerned about his ribs and head- his legs as well, but they'll heal on their own. For right now, he's on strict bed rest- and in a wheelchair otherwise. I'd suggest icing his ribcage- that'll numb the pain. And elevation is key- for both his legs and his ribs. Keep them elevated- it'll bring down swelling and inflammation- which, in his state- would be quite painful."

"Ugh…" Austin groans. "I feel horrible…"

"Oh, also. He might also contract a slight fever, it'll be low-grade, but if he does get one, you shouldn't be concerned. I wouldn't give him fever reducers- just let it run its course. He'll be feeling miserable, but it's better to let the fever go away on its own."

Rocky nods slightly. "Thank you. Anything else we should know?"

Doctor Grey shakes her head. "I'd like to see him in a couple weeks, for a check up- but that's pretty much it." She turns to Austin, crouching slightly to his level. "Get better, honey. Don't try to do too much at once. You're gonna feel better soon."

"Thanks…" Austin croaks.

* * *

"Aus, you good?"

"Yeah…just drive…" I mumble, squeezing my eyes shut. "I'm dizzy, and not even standing up…"

"We need to get some meds into him," Riker says, and I feel his hand run through my messy hair.

"Hang on, we're almost home," Rydel mutters, hitting the brakes abruptly. White-hot pain sears through my abdomen, and I wince, wrapping my arms around my ribcage.

"Rydel!"

"I'm sorry," she sighs. "The car in front of me stopped short."

"Please…don't do that again…you're jarring my ribs, they hurt…" I whisper. "Every sudden movement is agony…"

"I'm sorry, love," she says apologetically, glancing at me through the rearview mirror.

Rocky grabs my uninjured hand, lifting it up to his lips and kissing the skin, before beginning to draw small patterns. "Calm down, love," he soothes. "We're almost home, you've got this."

Rydel turns onto our street, and speeds down the road, until she comes to our driveway. Pulling into the driveway, she parks the car, before turning back to us. "Rik, go get his wheelchair, Ell, go open the front door, clear a path for his wheelchair, and you, Rocky, are gonna help me get him into the chair without causing him any more pain."

"This is gonna be fun," I grumble, as Rydel slides open my door.

"Breathe," she comforts. "Take deep breaths."

When I try, more pain sears through my abdomen, and I grasp the fabric of the seat in front of me, trying not to cry. "Oww…"

"Fucking hell," I whimper. "This hurts."

"Let's just get you inside," Rocky says gently. "I'm gonna pick you up- it may hurt a bit."

He slips an arm behind my back, and the other under my legs, lifting me out of the van. I wince and curl closer to him, as he leans down to set me in the wheelchair, adjusting my feet on the footrests, and helping me settle in. "You good, love?"

"Yeah," I sigh. Riker presses his hand to my forehead, and clucks his tongue.

"He's running a fever."

"That's just _great_," I groan, dropping my head and staring at my lap.

"Hey now." Rocky lifts my chin, shaking his head. "We're gonna go in there, and get you settled on the couch, and Dez said he'd stop by for a bit to see you. How does that sound, Aus?"

"Tell him to bring Ally," I reply. "You have his number?"

"Stole it from your phone," Riker cuts in sheepishly. "I'll text him."

* * *

"Austin wanted you to come, relax, Als," I say, pressing the doorbell of the Lynch's house.

Before Ally has a chance to answer, the door is swung open, and Ratliff greets us, his face lined with worry. "He's a mess, guys. Thought maybe if he could see you both, it'd help him."

Ratliff leads us both into the living room, where Austin is lying on the couch- lazily flicking through crap TV. Riker's sitting next to him, with Austin's broken legs in his lap, and Rocky is sitting in the armchair, tapping through his phone.

"Hey guys," Austin says hoarsely, catching sight of both me and Ally. He stretches his arms up for a hug, and I comply immediately, leaning down to wrap his fragile body in my arms.

Ally hugs him next, and I watch him whisper something in her ear- to which she chuckles softly. "No, Aus, Trish is working overtime. Her parents got angry that her phone bill was so high, and she can't hang out with us until she pays it off."

Austin shakes his head fondly. "That's Trish alright…" He glances at his older brothers. "Rocky, Rik, you guys mind leaving us alone for a bit? I wanna talk to them about some things…"

Rocky nods slightly. "Yeah." He rises to his feet, and walks toward us, passing Ally, and stopping in front of Austin. Leaning down to kiss his forehead, Rocky smiles at him, and looks over to Riker.

The other blonde slips out from Austin's legs, and turns to me. "Come here, take my place. He needs to keep his legs elevated, to prevent swelling and inflammation."

I give him a small affirmation, slipping back into his previously taken spot.

After his brothers have left, Austin turns to Ally. "Come, sit."

When Ally makes a move to take Rocky's previous seat, Austin rolls his eyes. "Sit with _me_, you dork. There's room for both of us."

He reaches over and pulls her onto the couch, nuzzling his face into her neck. "I've missed this."

"Austin, what if I hurt you?" Ally protests, trying to lessen body contact between them. I sigh heavily. She needs to stop worrying- he doesn't look like he's in any pain.

Austin meets my gaze, and gives me a look. I return it, shaking my head, and he exhales a heavy breath. "Als, you are not gonna hurt me. Rydel's done this with me before, and she's taller than you. It'll be fine, I promise."

Without waiting for Ally to react, he pulls her onto his chest, and kisses the side of her head. "There we go."

It's really nice- to see them acting so friendly again. He's her big brother- the protective one, and even though she has me- Austin will always be the best thing that's ever happened to her.

* * *

"Are you okay, Ally?" Austin asks, rubbing his larger hands down my arms- like he always used to. A comforting gesture, whenever I was sad or in pain.

"Yeah," I lie, my voice laced with the tears I'm desperately trying to hide. "I'm fine."

"I think you're forgetting that I know you better than you know yourself," Austin says gently. "What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing…"

One of Austin's fingers catches on my sleeve, pulling it back a bit. I stiffen in his arms, my eyes going wide. In a hurry, I try to pull my sleeve back down, but a hand catches my wrist.

"Dez," I whisper. "Let go."

Dez shakes his head. "He needs to know, Ally. Let him do it."

I brace myself for the worst, as Austin slides my entire sleeve up, hearing his gasp.

"Oh, Ally…"

* * *

**So, I know a lot of you wanted this. Here you go. Thoughts? Let's try for 190 reviews, shall we? Thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	39. Chapter 38

**Trigger warnings- suicide, depression, self-harm, anorexia, and rape.**

* * *

I stare at Ally's arm- the horizontal red lines covering a good part of it, and my heart absolutely shatters. She can't be doing this to herself…it hurts so much. I know the pain- I've experienced it firsthand, and goddamn, she doesn't deserve to feel that much pain.

"Austin, I…"

"Don't," I say tearfully, my voice cracking. "How long?"

"…A couple weeks…I just started…"

"Why, Als? Why would you do this to yourself?" I whisper, hugging her tightly to my chest. "You don't deserve this."

She shudders. "I do. I really do. There's a lot you don't know, Aus…"

My blood runs cold. "What, Ally? What am I in the dark about?"

Ally shakes her head slightly. "No, I can't…I don't think you should know, Austin, it would only hurt you."

"But whatever it is, it's hurting _you_," I reply. "And I'm not going to let it continue, not if I can help it."

She still refuses, so I lift my head, my gaze locking with Dez's. "What's going on, Dez? I need to know."

He sighs heavily. "It's not…not pretty, Aus. And not easy for her to talk about, either. It's not my place to tell you, honestly. She needs to be the one. Don't…don't try and force it out of her, but here's a hint…you've gone through it too. And it was highly traumatic for you…"

My mind goes to work immediately, flipping through my past, as I wonder exactly what it could be. When I finally realize what the most likely possibility is- my eyes widen, stomach clenching in fear. It can't be…that can't be it…not Ally, not my little sister…

"Ally…were you…raped?"

* * *

I nod slightly, and Austin's face pales drastically. He looks almost white- a haunted look in his eyes. It's truly staring to scare me…what's going to happen? I'm almost scared of his reaction.

His arms tighten in a death grip around me, and I search his face. "God, no…that can't be possible…"

"It's okay, Aus…it's over, and I'm recovering from it. Dez has helped a lot, and I think I'm gonna be okay soon. I just didn't know how to cope…I won't do it again, I promise."

Austin sighs heavily. "Please…don't follow in my footsteps, Ally. I've fallen deep into the self-harm trap, and I'm just a broken mess now. You can't end up like me- destroyed and damaged. You have so much potential, and you can't just throw all of it away."

"Then why are you doing it?"

"Because I'm addicted," he mutters. "I'm thoroughly addicted, and it's honestly all I think about anymore. I'm a lost cause, Als. All hope is lost for me. Please, don't become that person. Don't go down that road. Don't go down the road…until you end up like me, just begging to die."

* * *

"Did Ally and Dez leave?"

Austin nods slightly. "I still can't believe it…she was raped…"

Riker sighs heavily. "This world is a cruel place. Neither of you deserved that…"

"It just…" I don't know how to even respond to that. Austin just looks so broken, tears welling up in his dark, pain-filled eyes.

"You need to cry," Riker concludes. "Stop trying to hold that in. I can see the tears in your eyes, love."

Austin shakes his head slightly. "M'fine."

I roll my eyes. "Fine? You're about as fine as I am, and considering I was about to jump off a fucking _bridge_ a couple days ago, I am in no way fine."

Austin drops his head. "I just…she seemed so put-together…and I just fell apart, after it happened to me. I feel like a fucking baby. Like a weakling. And to boot, I can't even move. I'm a complete invalid, everything hurts, I can't do anything about, and I just…I just don't know anymore…"

"Oh, Aus…" I whisper, sliding onto the couch next to him. I lift his body up, and slide in behind him, allowing him to lie on my chest. He attempts to turn over onto his stomach, and I sigh, shaking my head. "No, you gotta sleep on your back, love."

"Don't wanna sleep. If you want me to break, you need to let me hide my face," Austin grunts. "When I cry, my face is red and disgusting, and I just need to break down where no one can see me."

"Aus, you know we won't judge you…"

"It doesn't matter…it's a pride thing…just please…"

I exhale a heavy sigh. "Riker, help me turn him over?"

Riker nods slightly, rising to his feet, and helping to move Austin's body into the correct position, eliciting a few moans and groans from him. He must be in a lot of pain…and it just hurts my heart to see him completely helpless- in incurable agony.

Austin buries his face in my chest, and I sigh, rubbing his back gently. "It's okay, love, I'm here."

"Rocky…can you just make it stop for a day? Take away my pain for a day at least? I haven't been free from the spell-binding agony for so long…"

"I wish I could, little bro. I really wish I could…I'm so sorry…"

* * *

"I'm going running."

I grab my headphones, plugging them into the socket of my phone, before tying my hair into a ponytail.

"I'll come!" Ratliff appears in front of me, dressed in a pair of basketball shorts and an old school t-shirt. "Don't want you going alone."

"You don't need to protect me, Ratliff, I'm fine." I scoff at him, tightening the elastic on my hair.

Ratliff sighs. "Both Austin _and_ Ally have been raped, Rydel, I don't want the same thing happening to you. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that you're not safe. There are a lot of people that just wanna hurt you, and as your brother, it's my job to keep you safe."

"Fine," I mutter. "Let's go."

I pull open the front door, and lead him outside, walking down our driveway and onto the sidewalk. And then, we both break out into runs. I observe Ratliff for a few minutes- he looks like he's doing this effortlessly, while I'm out of breath in the first couple minutes. He just makes me feel so pathetic- and _that's_ why I wanted to run alone.

"I'm worried about you, Ry," Ratliff says. "You're not yourself anymore, and I know that your anorexia is really getting bad."

"It's fine," I puff. "I'm fine. I'm eating- what more do you want?"

"Yeah, you're eating," Ratliff replies. "But not nearly enough. And all this running is going to null that anyway. Why are you doing this to yourself, Ry? What's hurting you?"

"Don't worry about it, Ell. It's okay. I'm handling it."

Ratliff skids to a halt, moving in front of me and placing his hands on my shoulders. "Handling it? What, exactly, are you handling?"

"Forget I said anything, Ell. Honestly, it's okay. I'm just dealing with assholes on Facebook."

Ratliff's eyes widen. "You mean to tell me…are you getting _harassed _on Facebook?"

"Yeah, I guess you could call it that."

* * *

**Thoughts? And yeah, I do have a plan for the rest of the story. Let's just say...some characters really aren't who you think they are... Anyway, break 200 reviews, and you'll get the next chapter.**

**-Neha**


	40. Chapter 39

**Trigger warning- suicide, depression, could be a little graphic, but it's not that bad.**

* * *

I stare at my sister, dumbfounded and in utter disbelief. Have my ears deceived me, or am I really hearing her correctly? Because quite damn honestly, I can't believe what she's just confessed to.

"You're getting _harassed_?" I ask. "What kind of harassment? _Sexual_ harassment?"

Rydel's eyes widen slightly. She drops her gaze to the sidewalk, shaking her head. "No. It's like what you got in school- the bullying; only it's over the Internet. It's okay, Ratliff. I know it's bullshit."

The bullying I endured at school was what broke me. It's what pushed me over the edge at one point- everyone kept calling me a freak, a fucked up idiot- and I just couldn't handle it anymore. That's one of the reasons I held that gun to my head- I was just so _done_ with it.

"It's not okay," I say shortly. "The bullying I went through broke me, Ry. You can't tell me you're okay, after reading those awful messages. I can't even imagine…"

Rydel swallows hard, shaking her head- only more vigorously this time. "It's really okay. It's not nearly as bad as what you had to go through, I promise. I know what hurt you so badly, and trust me, all they're saying is that I need to lose weight- they're telling me the truth. It's fine, seriously."

I stare at her. "_What_?!"

She shrugs. "They're not lying, Ratliff. I _do_ need to lose weight. And speaking of losing weight, I'm gonna continue my run. Join if you wish, but walking will not do me any good."

I roll my eyes and grab her arm. "The only place _you're_ running, is back to the house. You are gonna tell Rocky, Riker, and Austin everything you just told me, and I'm assuming they're gonna make you deactivate your Facebook. It's what I want you to do."

Rydel's face hardens. "I'm two years older than you, Ratliff. You don't control me, and I am _not_ deleting my Facebook. It's my one way to see what's going on in the world around me."

"You're the only girl. Our only sister. So fucking sue us, if we're overprotective of you. We don't want you getting hurt, Rydel. I fucking _doubt_ Riker wants to talk you out of jumping off a _roof_ again."

"Rocky jumped," Rydel says. "Why can't I?"

An overwhelming wave of emotion crashes over me, and I force myself to swallow everything back. I can't break- not now. There's a time for that, but now, I have to focus on convincing Rydel that suicide _isn't_ the way to deal with her problems.

"I was the one to see our oldest brother- our _rock_ jump off a roof. I found him in a pool of his own fucking blood, Rydel! And do you know how fucking traumatizing that was?! I was drenched in his blood by the time the ambulance got there, and guess what?! He _died_ in the ambulance, for god's fucking sakes! He flat-lined, and they brought him back, but he fucking _died._ I watched our rock _die_- and I can't _believe_ you're thinking of following in his footsteps."

* * *

Ratliff storms into the house, his face dark with fury. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tangled mess of earbuds. In no mood to untangle them, he plugs them into his phone, and manages to shove them into his ears, hiking the volume up. Moments later, thundering footsteps are all we hear, as he runs up the stairs, and into our room.

"What's with him?" I glance at Rydel, who's entered after him- her head hung.

"I said something that struck a nerve…" she sighs. "Rocky, you gotta talk to him. It was kinda…about you…"

"What did you do, Rydel?" I ask, my voice rising. "Why is he so upset?"

She shakes her head slightly. "Just please…please go talk to him. He needs you."

I sigh heavily, turning to Riker. "Come take my place."

He nods, and I slip out from under Austin, holding him up so Riker can take my spot.

"See what happened," I whisper to him, eyeing Rydel warily. "I'll be back soon."

And with that, I run up the stairs- taking them two at a time- skidding to a halt in front of my bedroom door. It's obviously closed, but I hope he hasn't locked it.

"Ratliff? It's me, can you open the door?"

"Go away," he grumbles hoarsely, and it's obvious that he's crying. "Leave me alone."

"No," I say. "I'm not going to leave you alone, when you're obviously not okay. So you can open this door, or I can ram it in. Your choice."

* * *

I trudge up to the door and unlock it, before slumping back onto my bed and curling into a ball. "It's open."

The door creaks open, and I hear Rocky's footsteps stop. "Oh, Ell…baby, what's wrong…what hurts?"

I swallow hard, curling farther into fetal position. "I'm fine. Go away, Rocky. I don't want you seeing me like this."

"Since when did I start judging you? You know that you can come to me for _anything_, and I'll always listen. Everything you tell me is private- Riker doesn't even have to know."

I feel the bed sink with his added weight- and before I know it, I'm being pulling onto his lap. Instinctively, I curl into his chest, and bury my face in his shirt, breathing in his scent, and resting my head right where his heart is. The steady rhythm it beats in is really calming.

"Now, are you ready to tell me what's bothering you? I want to help."

I lift my head, staring my brother in the eye. Reaching up, I move his shirt-sleeve off his right shoulder, staring at the long scar that runs the length of his arm.

"Ell…"

"You were bleeding…god, you were bleeding so much and I just…"

I shake my head, burying it back in his chest. "You bled so much…"

"Hey. I'm okay," Rocky says gently. "I'm right here. I'm here with you- I didn't die."

"You did," I whimper. "You flat-lined in the ambulance, Rocky…you don't know it, but I actually _did_ watch you die…"

Rocky stiffens. "You…you watched me die…holy _fuck_…"

I sniffle against him, nuzzling my nose against his dampening shirt. "I'm sorry. It's been almost four years, I should be over it by now…"

"No, Ratliff. You shouldn't have to be over _anything_. You watched me jump off a fucking _building_, for fuck's sake. You're emotionally scarred and traumatized, and it's perfectly understandable."

"I'm not strong enough to handle this, Rocky…this is what I have nightmares about…I dream of being too late. Or…the ambulance not getting there in time, and you dying in my arms…or, you dying and Riker and Rydel hating me and throwing me out on the streets because I let you die…I think there's something wrong with me…"

Rocky's gasp is audible. "Oh, Ell…baby, no…god, no…you can't be thinking like that. That's absolutely horrendous, and I'm so sorry…I had no idea how much it actually ended up affecting you."

"Me?" I whisper. "What about _you_? You wanted to do it again…do you know how badly the drowning episode you had…do you know how badly it _terrified_ me…? I can't go through this again, Rocky. I'm already damaged from last time…"

I press my face further into his chest, sniffling and trying to control my sobs. "I'm sorry…"

"Hey. You have _nothing_ to be sorry for, Ell. Absolutely _nothing_. It's going to be okay- I promise, I'll take care of you. I promise- I'm never leaving your side."

"You're not going to try again?"

Rocky shakes his head. He cradles me against his chest, leaning down to drop a kiss on the crown of my head. "Never again. I swear on your life."

* * *

**Thoughts? So, you've actually got insight on how Ratliff's dealing with everything- because honestly, he's scarred for life. 210 reviews will get you the next chapter- thank you guys so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	41. Chapter 40

**Yeah, sorry for being late. Lots of school shit to do- it'll all be over in the next 9 days, updates will be sporadic until the 20th. Trigger warning- anorexia, bulimia, suicide, mentions of self-arm and depression.**

* * *

"Ry, what'd you do?"

I cradle Austin's sleeping body against my chest, glancing at my sister for some kind of an answer. This entire thing looks fishy…

Rydel sighs. "I don't think it's what I did, more of what I _said_, and the memories it brought back for him."

"They're only memories if they're good."

"Then flashbacks," Rydel amends. "I said something…and it brought back flashbacks of Rocky's accident, and what Ratliff was put through…"

My eyes widen. "What did you say to him? What triggered this?"

Rydel hangs her head. "It started off when he made me reveal that I've been getting harassed on Facebook, by some kids at school. But then…then I asked why _I_ couldn't jump off a roof…because Rocky did, and he just snapped…"

"Rydel…why would you even _say_ something like that?" I gasp. "You _know_ how damaged Ratliff still is from the incident…why would you…?"

"I'm sorry," Rydel says desperately. "I didn't mean it. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back. I know it hurt him…"

I sigh. "And what's this about being harassed on Facebook?"

"Just…forget about it. Right now, our priority is making sure Ratliff won't try and fucking off himself in the next few days."

* * *

"You okay now?"

Ratliff shifts in my arms, burying his face in my chest. "I wanna see Austin. Is he okay?"

"He's still sleeping, I'd think," I reply, running a hand through his hair. "That cracked skull needs to heal- sleep is really good for him."

Ratliff sighs heavily. "Let's go out there. We can't hide out in here forever. I'll be okay…just stay close? I need to reassure myself that you're not bleeding on the cement- because my mind keeps attacking with those images…"

"Of course," I promise, helping him up. I keep an arm wrapped around his shoulders, leading him out the door. We walk into the living room- and despite the wide eyes I get from Rydel, Riker, _and_ Austin, I guide Ratliff down to an empty space on the couch, and lower him down. Sitting down next to him, I allow him to rest his upper body against me. He glances blankly at the wall, not really looking at anything, as I run my fingers through his soft hair.

"Is he okay?" Austin's voice is soft, his eyes flashing with concern. Riker has a strong hold on his waist- deterring him from moving sharply and causing fire to shoot through his ribcage.

"Not really," I reply, sighing heavily. "He's a lo more traumatized by what happened to me, than I ever realized…"

"When you…jumped…?" Austin asks.

I nod. "He kept me alive until the ambulance got there."

"But you died anyway," Ratliff says hoarsely, releasing a shuddering sigh.

Riker stares at me. "What the _hell_ is he talking about?!"

"I…I flat-lined in the ambulance, according to him. He said they had to shock me back to life…but… Ratliff basically watched me die, you guys…"

* * *

"Austin, you need to eat something," Riker mutters, lathering cream cheese on a toasted bagel. "You're not starving."

I'm not in the mood to eat, honestly. I can't purge it- I can't walk- so I'm actually going to digest it, and it's going to make me fat and disgusting and I don't want to eat. I just want to sit here and play guitar. Cutting would be nice as well, but there's no way to hide the cuts- I can't even dress myself, so when they help me in the morning- one of my brothers would inevitably figure it out.

I hate this wheelchair. I hate being injured and having bulky casts on my legs. They make me feel like a goddamn invalid- I cannot do _anything_ on my own. My siblings have said that they don't mind helping me out- but I want to have _some_ kind of independence. I just feel like a pathetic, useless lump of fat.

I can't even run anymore. Not for at least three months, and god fucking dammit- I think that's the worst thing about this entire situation. Running is my life. When I can't run, I can't eat. Running burns off everything I don't throw up- it's sort of like my back up plan. And now I have no back up plan and absolutely _no_ way to throw any of my food up, so I'm basically screwed.

"I'm not hungry," I growl, crossing my arms over my chest and turning my face away.

"I don't care," Rocky cuts in. "You are eating."

"You can't make me."

Riker snorts. "We can- and we _will_- shove this piece of toast down your throat if you keep fighting us. And if you don't believe us, you don't know us as well as you think you do."

"I do know you," I protest tearfully. "I know you and I know you would never ever do that to me."

"If it comes to your health at stake," Rocky replies. "We'll do whatever we have to, to keep you from doing something detrimental."

* * *

"Rydel, _look_ at him. He's not eating. Doesn't this tell you something? You're doing exactly the same thing."

I scoff. "Austin's bulimic. I'm anorexic. There's a difference, dumbass."

Riker sighs. "I'm not stupid, I know there's a difference. But he can't purge. He can't even wheel himself to the bathroom, forget wheeling there, getting out of his chair, and throwing up."

"I'm fine," I mutter. "This is not going to kill me."

"How do you know?" Riker shoots back. "How can you be sure?"

"I just am," I reply. "I know exactly what my limits are."

Riker shakes his head. "That's the thing, Ry…you don't. You don't know what your limits are- not when you're in that zone. It's like me and cutting. When I make the first cut, I can't stop. I can't stop after one. I just keep going and going until I'm covered in blood. You just keep purging and purging until you _throw up_ blood. It's the same principle, Rydel. And just like I can kill myself from cutting too deep, you can kill yourself from purging."

"Fuck you," I hiss. "Get off my fucking ass about my damn eating disorder. I have it under control. It's fucking _fine_."

* * *

"I'm so tired…"

"Ell, it's only five pm…"

"Still tired," I mutter, shoving my face into the crook of Rocky's neck. "Aus?"

"Yeah?" Austin mumbles, his voice still holding traces of anger.

"Why are you so pissed?"

"Because these people are fucking _insistent _on shoving food down my throat," Austin grumbles back, dropping his gaze to the ground. "I'm fine."

"You are not. None of us are fine, so stop pretending that you are. Rydel's in the same boat as you," Rocky says. "You _both _are going to eat, and _neither_ of you are purging afterward."

"Like I could," Austin says bitterly. "I can't even walk."

"Then maybe, you shouldn't have been a dumbass, and actually gotten out of the way of that car," Rydel growls. When we look at her in surprise, she shakes her head. "I'm done being nice. You guys are pissing me off."

"Why, because we're making you eat?!" Riker exclaims. "God, you make it sound like we're holding _knives_ to your throats. Like our _purpose_ is to torture the fuck out of you."

"Could you actually do that? And slit my throat?" Austin mutters.

"No. Don't even think about it."

I shake my head slightly, pressing closer to Rocky, refusing to partake in the argument that's brewing.

"I'm not going to stick around and watch you _destroy _yourselves," Riker says.

"No one's asking you to. If you don't want to watch," Austin replies, his tone cold. "You're free to leave."

* * *

**So we've got problems in the house now. They're all fighting with each other- let's see how this goes, shall we? I dunno when the next chapter will be posted- but if you guys can surpass 220 reviews, it'll be faster. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.**

**-Neha**


	42. Chapter 41

**Important author's note at the bottom- please read. Trigger warnings- suicide, self-harm, eating disorders.**

* * *

"What are we gonna do, Rocky? They're falling apart."

Riker sighs heavily, brushing his bangs out of his face, and continuing to rub circles on a sleeping Austin's back. It's obvious that he's exhausted. His entire experience is haggard- dark circles under his eyes, and overall sluggish appearance, not to mention the weariness in his voice.

"Well, right now, you and I are going for a walk," I mutter. "Rydel can take care of Austin- you and I need to have a talk."

Riker nods slightly. "I wanna talk to you about some things as well…" He slips out from under Austin, placing a pillow in his previously occupied spot.

"Rydel!" I call. "I'm going for a walk with Riker. Watch Aus and Ell, make sure you give Austin his pain meds in another half hour- I don't care if you have to wake him up, he needs to take them."

Walking into the room, Rydel nods. "Take as long as you need. We'll be fine."

"Alright, thank you," I reply, sending her a small smile. I wrap my arm around Riker's scrawny shoulders, hugging him close to my body, as I grab my keys and lead him out the door.

* * *

"You wanna start, or should I?" Rocky mutters.

"Go ahead," I offer, shoving my hands in my pockets. "I'm not exactly sure how to say what I want to say, anyway."

"Alright," Rocky sighs. "So…these past couple of days have been a whirlwind of emotions, extremely hard on _all_ of us, but mainly on you. You're tired, Riker. Exhausted is an understatement. You're trying to do too much- and I can see pain very clearly in your eyes. You need to lay off for a bit- let me handle things."

"They need me," I sigh. "Austin…he won't talk to anyone else about his problems. And you know about the special bond that Rydel and I have. I'm needed, Rocky. I just can't ignore them. Ratliff only comes to you- I can't do much to help him, but Austin and Rydel are attached to me."

Rocky looks me in the eye. "What landed you in the hospital for that second suicide attempt, Riker? Stress, wasn't it? Trying to do too much, trying to watch out for _all_ of them, and not being able to handle the pressure. I was in a coma at that time- but now, I'm _not_. I'm fully healthy- and I _can_ take care of this. I've been your guys' guardian since you were 16. It's almost been three years- I've worked up the tolerance- and believe me, mine's a lot higher than yours."

"I just…I can't sit back and watch them not eat…it kills me, Rocky, it really does. Why won't they just fucking _eat_? Why are they purposefully _starving _themselves?"

"That's a question only Austin and Rydel can answer. We know that Rydel thinks she's fat- which she is far from- but Austin- we don't know why he's doing it," Rocky replies. He exhales a heavy sigh. "I think it's because he wants to control something. He was cutting, but I don't think that was enough. He wanted- he _needed_ to feel in control. Everything was spiraling all around him, and he was just drowning."

"I get that, I do," I say. "But why _starve_? I can understand cutting, but I can't understand purposefully _starving _yourself, or _forcing_ yourself to throw up after every meal."

Rocky shakes his head. "Just like Rydel doesn't understand why we feel the need to slice into our skin, to feel relief. They're eating disorders, Rik. A person who has an eating disorder sees distorted body images- when they look in the mirror, they see fat. It's taken over their mind- not just their bodies. That's the problem here, Rik. We can't just force them to eat- that isn't going to be effective at all."

"How do you know?" I whisper. "How do you know for sure? If we can just get them on a routine eating schedule, they'll get used to it, and eat without even thinking about it."

"Riker," Rocky says firmly. "Listen to yourself. That's irrational- and let me tell you exactly why. When Austin was itching for a blade, back when we first met him, do you remember what I told him?"

"No," I mutter. "My mind is fog right now."

"I told him, that for him to be able to quit cutting, he had to _want_ to do it. It just doesn't happen, no matter how much you want it to. When I first found out that you were cutting- you have no idea how badly I wanted to rip that razor out of your hands, get rid of anything sharp in the house, and basically lock you inside a bubble. But what would've come out of it? You would've been miserable, and I would've felt extremely guilty for doing that to you. What _did_ I do to help you stop?"

Memories flash in my mind, as I answer. "You told me to see if I could cut one time less every week. Like, five times for one week, then four, three, two, once, until I wasn't doing it."

"Exactly," Rocky nods. "I eased you off it. It's like smoking or alcohol, Rik. You can't just quit cold turkey. You gotta take baby steps, but eventually- if you're strong enough- you _can_ beat that addiction."

"Was I strong enough?"

"You were more than strong enough. It took time, but eventually, you used your courage to beat that addiction. You have no idea how proud I am- you did so well, Rik. So well."

* * *

"Did you give him his meds?"

Rydel nods. "Yeah. Ten minutes ago. He fell right back asleep afterward, he looks exhausted."

"He is," I sigh. "The pain's been keeping him up, as of late."

"Ratliff…I wanna apologize for before," Rydel says. "That was kinda out of line. I'm not suicidal. I just…I don't know why I said it. I'm sorry for bringing back all those awful memories, you didn't deserve that."

"It's okay," I smile. "You weren't in the best place, I get that. Don't worry about it…just try not to bring that shit up again, yeah? It does bring back shitty flashbacks for me…and I just…I can't relive those moments, they're already the source of my nightmares."

* * *

"I think…I think we all need to take a break," Rocky suggests. "Everything's just getting out of hand."

"Wanna play Monopoly?" Riker replies, shooting a grin at him. "I can kick your guys' asses again."

"No! We are_ not _playing that game," I protest. "It's rigged."

"He's right," Rydel agrees, crossing her arms over her chest. "Rigged so _we're_ always the losers."

Austin snorts. "You guys are pathetic. We're just better players than you, and you're too much of cowards to admit it."

My eyes widen. "Damn Austin, when'd you get so sassy? You were never this out-spoken."

Austin waves his uninjured hand. "Time changes people. Anyway- let's play again. But let's make it a little more interesting…if Rydel or Ratliff wins, we'll never play again, and call the game rigged. If Rocky, Riker, or I win, the game will go on until all of us are out, no matter how long that takes."

"You're on," I say, looking Austin in the eye. I turn to Rydel, a mischievous glint in my eyes. "Let's do this."

And the gameplay starts.

Within minutes, it's a riot of curses, cheers, and full-out laughter. I'm already landing on our properties, and Rydel's cursed with the tax spaces- the ones where you have to pay like, 10% or 200 bucks or some shit like that. It's hilarious. We're never going to win this.

The doorbell rings, and relief floods through me. "I'll get it," I mutter, rising to my feet. "Ry, make sure none of them touch my money."

She nods, and I make my way over to the door, still half-laughing about the entire thing. I pull open the door, but the sight that greets me knocks all the air out of my body- my face frozen.

"Mom? Dad?"

* * *

**So guys, there's two things I wanted to say. The first of which- is the fact that this is the last chapter of _Recovery_. Now, before you guys go ballistic on me- it's gonna work the same way _Broken_ did. I'm making this into a three-part series, and I'm picking up the third part _directly_ where this one leaves off. The third part focuses mainly on this major plot twist, another plot twist, and a maybe a suicide attempt? I haven't figured it all out yet- but I have a plan in place. The story should be posted on June 20th, my last day of school. You guys have to wait a week, because next week is finals for me- Monday to Thursday, so I'm going to be extremely busy. **

**The other thing. This series is _not_ an Auslly love series. I can guarantee you that they will _not_ get together, and even if they _do-_ they won't stay together. When I started _Broken_, that was my original plan- and I'm sticking to it. Auslly is a brother/sister pairing in this series, and it's staying that way. Austin cannot form a romantic relationship with Ally- even though he has forgiven her. She's scarred him for life- it's not something he can forget. I'm sorry if that's not what you guys wanted- I try to satisfy every request you have, but this is just something I can't do. If you want Auslly, there are tons of stories on this archive with them as a couple. I ship them to no end- they're adorable on the show, but they're not getting together. I'm sorry. **

**Anyway- thanks for reading, I hope you guys enjoyed _Recovery_. And I'll see you on the final story- which I have yet to name. But I'll update this when I post it, so you guys know :)**

**-Neha**


	43. Notice

**Alright, the new story is up. It's called Relapse, and I just posted it, so head on over and check it out. Thanks, guys.**

**-Neha**


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